It’s true – a bottle of their favorite wine will last a few hours, at best (and they may not even remember drinking it!), but the memory of that crazy day spent white water rafting or skydiving will last a lifetime – even if they did have their eyes closed and were screaming for most of it!
The morning drinker: one of the most misunderstood fellow citizens. Once imbued with the spark of firewater, they can do anything, especially if it’s delivered with the bold energy rush of caffeine. You think we should eradicate morning drinking? Well, you can kiss all your favorite novels goodbye then, because all great authors are drunk by 10 am. But I guess if you want to try tricking someone out of their morning cup of whiskey, this would be the best way.
Different people learn in different ways. Not respecting those differences is a major reason the public education system has failed us so terribly. Some people learn visually, some learn by mimicking, and some learn by beer. This book is for the last group.
We are intelligent survivors by nature. Despite its ominous name, a worst case scenario can be a lot of fun, provided you have the tools available to pull a MacGyver-like exit. This little kit can save someone’s life over and over again. Check that, only their primal genius can save their life. But this lends a helping hand.
Musical genius is not a prerequisite for this delightful sound machine. Whether it’s cranking out an original score or “Born to Be Wild,” the sweet melodies of this tabletop hurdy gurdy will capture the ears and lighten the hearts of all those who gather ’round for a listen. Add this customizable heirloom to the instrument collection and inspire a newfound appreciation for all things classic.
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or maybe just gives you PTSD. Either way, it’s better than dead. Here’s a book that can help the owner avoid the dead category for a little longer, even when things get hairy. Rough world we live in.
We think the 30th birthday is about as young as we’d recommend for this gift. It looks like a magic wand, and operates pretty much like one, as an electric blue, 2,012° F arc erupts from the tip to light candles. Or light everything in the whole house playing wizard, if the younger kids get hold of it.
Bacon is the official food of the month, every month of the year. Now somebody has gone a step further and made a delivery service with a special kind of bacon for every month. Every time we go a level deeper with bacon it just gets better. Rumor has it Elon Musk is working on a bacon replicating machine. It’s about time he did something useful.
Propane tanks are convenient and useful, but the last thing you need is to have the damn thing run out at your next barbecue and everyone ends up eating undercooked chicken. It used to be the manliest man in the group picked up the tank, said how many hours were left, and then by the time the tank was empty everyone was too drunk to remember how wrong he was. Boy we’ve come a long way.
Nothing creates a sense of urgency like counting the seconds until the time when you can’t count the seconds anymore. The surest way to beat procrastination, this watch doesn’t let you off the hook. Strap it on someone’s wrist, give them a hearty slap on the rear, and tell them to get to work.
If there’s one skill that every responsible citizen should have, it’s the ability to access things that aren’t theirs. But you better believe you don’t get there without practice. Some day they’re bound to come across something they want that has been locked away by some other thoughtless and selfish human. Don’t let them approach this dark situation unprepared.
Sushi’s great, but not as great as when launched from a cannon. Good news for you – and everyone else within ten feet – it doesn’t have a great deal of firepower, but still helps spice up meals with some unnecessary– scratch that, totally necessary action hero elements.
Know someone who just can't stand waiting a few minutes for their eggs to cook? This gift’s great for hosting dinner parties, brunches, and most importantly, seeing how many eggs they can make in an hour. Careful though, once they realize this machine’s true potential, they may never stop inviting you to brunch. Welcome to the rest of your life: hope it’s EGGcellent.
Their very own Tyrannosaurus skeleton. Enough said. It fits all occasions, and those who disagree can take it up with the dinosaur. Help them earn a reputation as the coolest person in the neighborhood, and when holidays swing around, wrapping it in lights and adding a hat can only earn you Alpha Friend status.
Buy them a couple tickets to a great event or show as a little test. Will they give the extra ticket to you? You just gave them this very thoughtful gift, after all. Or do they keep them both. In which case, maybe they just get a box of chocolates from the drug store next time.
They are bound to receive a lot of jewelry for a 30th birthday so break the mold a little and give them something a bit different. We’re sure they’ll want their precious mementos to last a lifetime but won’t want to spend a lifetime cleaning them. An ultrasonic jewelry cleaner is the perfect answer to keeping everything sparkling while leaving them free to do whatever 30-year-olds do.
Sure, they’re good for visibility and warning cars, but honestly: these things are like a disco on their feet. Give the 30-year-old in your life a chance to dance in their very own light show. Or, you know, give them these shoe headlights to keep them safe or whatever. But it’s totally for the light show.
We shouldn’t have to even sell you on this. If you can afford to give someone a The Big Top Calliope for their birthday, and they can afford to have one, and would actually want one (this is key), then it really makes no sense that you haven’t already bought this by the time you get to the end of this sentence.
Give the gift of beautiful views, bucket-list achievements, and especially if they’re afraid of heights, hours of entertainment for you. It veers away from cruel since it’s completely safe, but you’ll definitely get your money’s worth watching them rotate between admiring the splendor and clutching the basket while praying in four languages. Especially since they only speak one.
Sometimes, you need to get down to business and do your work, but other times, you need to procrastinate—help your friend do the latter. There’s a time and a place for efficiency and that’s not when you have a pen that can bend in your hands.
The years seem to start to speed up by the time a person’s thirtieth birthday rolls around. Thirty years might not seem like so long. This framed reproduction of the New York Times front page from the day they were born will remind them that 30 years is actually a pretty long time ago.
The birthstone for the month of April is diamond. Other months have ruby, or emerald, or sapphire, and the list goes on. What we’re really talking about here is getting someone a very nice piece of jewelry. Don’t think you can cheap out just because it’s a birthstone.
According to research, a woman spends an average of 76 days looking for items in her handbag during her lifetime, so we think she'll love this addition to her favorite accessory that will save her time finding keys, phones, and whatever else she squeezes into her satchel.
By their 30th birthday, your friend or loved one may have already started to suspect something about the inherent absurd futility of life. If not, then perhaps you can inform them with this gift, which is an extraordinarily apt illustration of the horrifying predicament in which we the living find ourselves.
Appeal to the material side of fun and indulge your trend-setting 30 year old in some hedonistic, haute couture entertainment. So what if her closets are busting at the seams, there’s always room for that extra pair of designer jeans and some famous label dresses. Whip out that plastic and take pleasure in some serious swiping and tap-and-pay consumerism. Max out the fun factor and celebrate their birthday with some good ole fashioned excess!
If you’re looking for a subtly stylish gift, we’re sure that this necklace will be universally loved. It’s a beautiful piece of jewelry that people will certainly gravitate towards. It’d also be a good time to remind them that in comparison to the cosmos, they’re positively youthful, something they’ll love you to the moon and back for.
30 is not too old to get hammered once in awhile, but it is too old to get hammered drinking inferior booze. Get their sophisticated adult drinking life started right with a bottle of top shelf liquor that has been aging for as long as they’ve been breathing. They’ll see the light.