Expensive Housewarming Gifts

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No light shines as bright as the light of wisdom. Even better if that wisdom is delivered in weird syntax that makes you stop what you’re doing to figure out what you’re being told. That is, after all, Yoda’s whole schtick. Clever little bastard. This intricately crafted lamp includes one of his best-known motivational slogans — imploring the world, more or less, to “just do it.” Seriously, if you know any over-the-top Star Wars fans, just get this for them. It’s as close to a can’t miss gift as you’ll ever find.

Stress reduction is damn near the holy grail of happiness and health. But let’s face it — the world seems hellbent on keeping everyone’s cortisol at a solid 9 out of 10 just about every waking moment. And with the constant barrage of advertising, social media alerts, emails, text messages, work-related fire drills, “Mom/Dad I’m hungry,” actual fire drills, natural disasters, news stories about nuclear missiles and global warming, inconsiderate/psychotic neighbors…All we’re saying is, everyone needs an impenetrable fortress of calm to retreat to every once in a while.

Video game arcades in every town may be a thing of the past, but with the 80s revival that’s washed over the western world, demand has spiked again for old-time video games that look like they were designed by an 8-year old and housed in giant man-sized boxes. And for good reason: they’re so much fun that you could lose your entire childhood chasing the high score in Asteroids. Don’t ask how we know that.

These days, real furniture does double duty. When you see how far telephones have come, it makes you wonder how much more you should be asking from other household items like tables, chairs, TV stands, and so forth. The bottom line is that furniture’s been getting off easy for far too long. Well, this table’s out to change all of that. With a built-in refrigerator drawer, touch screen controls, and laptop/phone charging capabilities, here is a piece of furniture that’ll truly earn the space it occupies.

Much like with the mummies of old Egypt, dehydrating food is a very handy way to make it last longer. But you have to do it just right — simply leaving fruit, vegetables, and meat out on the kitchen table is not the answer (as so many people have found out the hard way). Thankfully, the inventors of the electric food dehydrator have done all the learning and thinking for the rest of us, so now all we have to do is load it up and turn a dial. Mmm, beef jerky.

For centuries artisans have toiled away, diligently refining their skills until becoming masters, so that they can create exquisitely detailed work of the highest craftsmanship. Well, there’s a much easier way now. 3d printing technology has rapidly advanced over the past few years, to the point that they’ve begun printing just about anything. Even houses. The kind people live in. We’re not suggesting that you need to invest in a home-building 3d printer, as those are rather large and might be out of your budget. But 3d printing can be used for all kinds of smaller things as well, from artistic models to home furnishings. And 3d printers are really fun to play with. If you know someone who needs a new hobby to keep them out of trouble, this could be just the thing. And if they’re lucky enough to get this as a gift from you, you will in turn be the recipient of printed thingamajigs for the rest of your time on Earth.

Everyone, from Elon Musk to your next door neighbor, is straight-up terrified of the robot takeover, envisioning all kinds of post-apocalyptic horrors being visited upon us by our own creations. But then one of them offers to mow the lawn and everyone’s like, “Well, they can’t be that bad.” And it’s true - there might be a few bad apples coming down the assembly line, but you won’t find any in the lawn mower category. Just helpful, friendly, sort-of-intelligent mini landscapers who just want you to give them a place to lay low and recharge in between jobs. Nothing to be scared of here.

Don’t just give them one piece of art, build them a gallery. We’re not expecting you to go and build an actual gallery complete with gift shop but we think they’ll be just as impressed with this gift. A digital art museum lets them curate a unique art collection and makes the perfect gift for any art enthusiast. They can even upload their own artistic creations if they’re handy with a paintbrush themselves.

Spherical food is classy. And now you can turn just about any food into little caviar-like pearls by blending it with water and adding a gelification agent to the mix. Then place it inside this pepper grinder-looking thing and in a few minutes you’ll be shooting out little balls of food. And when you place little balls of food on other non-ball shaped food, everything looks a thousand times fancier, and fancy looking food always tastes better.

Sure, we lived for hundreds of thousands of years without electricity, but that’s not the point. The next time they’re in the middle of baking a casserole and a squirrel falls in the wires at the power plant, don’t make them resort to eating lettuce and raw cookie dough for dinner. Every house needs one of these.

Offering to vacuum your friend’s house every day would be an insane (and insanely good) housewarming present that nobody would ever give. And yet, if you think about it, that’s exactly what giving them a robot vacuum amounts to. Give the gift of clean floors every day with this amazing invention.

You could buy them a 17 man band that could live in the corner of their den and serenade them every day, or you could just go with this unique piece of furniture that can play 17 instruments at once. Plus this pneumatically controlled Hootenanny can remember how to play 13,000 songs.

Quadruple size your triple word score with this enormous Scrabble board. Your wordiest, nerdiest friend will love letting passing strangers see them crush all opposition through their front windows as they walk by on the sidewalk in front of their new home.

What could be better for serving drinks at the round table than a knight in shining armor packed full of liquor? This full suit of Gothic plate armor makes your home a castle while also defending guests and homeowners alike from the ravages of thirst. Sword not included.

One day soon, artificial intelligence is going to be a reality, and the machines are going to take everything. Until then, you might as well get as much out of these bastards as you can. Here’s a robot who will make fully-customizable drinks until he knows better.

Jesus turned water to wine, and everyone had a great time. But if you’re looking for a more useful trick, one that could really save your rear in the case of some kind of catastrophe, the AquaBoy provides you with a more utilitarian option - making air into water. Produces up to 2-5 gallons of water a day, just like magic, so the user can get through the next drought, natural disaster, or boil alert without breaking a sweat.

A major problem with modern houses is the lack of surprises. A hidden door adds a sense of mystery and danger, two things sorely lacking from so many people’s lives. What they do with the hidden room is their own business…

Brewing beer sounds fun, but ask anyone who’s tried it and they’ll tell you that it takes a lot of boring cleaning and babysitting of the brew to do it right. Add to that the difficulty of getting consistent, reproducible results, and it just makes sense to let this clever machine do the work. Watch the home brew progress from phone or tablet while taking it easy.