People of Walmart Calendar
If you enjoy the world-renowned photography of National Geographic, you’re going to love this calendar. Walmart may be a historic case-study in ruthless bottom-line economics, but it’s most remarkable as the central gathering place for the rarest specimens of rural America. Darwin may have reconsidered his fancy theory if he had one of these handy.
Ever wondered what ten billion dollars feels like in your hand? Surprisingly unremarkable, as it turns out. And the design doesn’t seem appropriately inspiring either - just a few rocks and some kind of wild shrub. But hey, that doesn’t matter, because it’s still ten billion freaking dollars, right? Well, not exactly… it’s Zimbabwean money from way back during the height of their economic crisis, so it’s basically worthless. But it does have a lot of zeroes on it and the really impressive words “ten billion dollars”.
These king-sized treats just might be the perfect gift to match their insatiable sweet tooth. This level of candy debauchery might be frowned upon by overeaters anonymous, but life is too short for sugar shaming. No need to wrap these monstrous munchies, the wrapper alone is half the fun and can be used later on as one-of-a-kind wall art to commemorate their gastronomical feat.
Mice are so much cuter once they’re dead. They’re even cuter if you dress them up as famous historical figures - so long as you do all that taxidermal stuff to keep them from rotting. But someone else already took care of that for you. Best of all, you might even get a scream when the recipient realizes they’re holding a real dead mouse in their hands.
Beef jerky is a fond favorite of many but, let’s be honest, it’s pretty standard. When you’re looking for a less regular gift for a less regular person, you’re going to have to do better than that. Earthworm jerky might just be the answer. This jerky is packed full of protein and we hear that it’s really tasty too. We did mean to try it ourselves, honestly … but … earthworms.
Meetings are inherently stupid. A meeting is where good ideas, ingenuity, and morale go to die. So it would be extra stupid for anyone to put any more effort than necessary into contributing or looking smart. Here is a guidebook for the enlightened.
You might call your toes “little piggies,” but the truth is that feet are the real workhorses of the human body. And we tend to be pretty merciless toward them for long stretches of the day, so it’s a nice gesture to show them some love when it’s all over with. And healthy feet make a happy human, so you could try giving a foot hammock to the most unlikeable person you know and see if it brightens them up a bit. Or better yet, give it to someone you like. Trust us, they’ll appreciate it.
We like to think of chickens in two categories: free-roaming farm animals, and dinner. But the truth is that nothing is stopping you from domesticating and civilizing this iconic barnyard fowl. In fact, for someone seeking a pet with that “huh?” factor - the one that is sure to turn heads - the chicken makes a fine choice indeed. The only thing stopping them is the question of how they’ll walk it. Petco may not carry chicken harnesses, but fortunately for whoever gets this gift, Amazon sure does.
Generally speaking, the last person in the room who needs more wine is the person who’s already gone feet up. But as long as that posture signals relaxation and not unconsciousness, it’s probably fine. There may be a moral grey area, but that’s not your problem. This is the perfect gift for the most shameless wino you know.