These days, it’s not just water contaminants and government spies that you need to keep your family safe from. Now the aliens have come for us, and in case you haven’t noticed, we’re being harvested like walking vegetables. A high-tech UFO detector has become a must-have for every modern home.
The worst thing about this gift is the disillusionment. Like planting a hidden camera on a magician, you just won’t care to watch the show once the secret has been revealed. This small box of simple tools is all anyone will ever need to get out of any dangerous predicament they might find themselves in. But go ahead and give this to someone you care about. Survival always trumps entertainment.
Sometimes a mirror just isn’t enough. You’ve heard it said that you are what you eat, so it stands to reason that it’s easier to digest things that already look like you. The selfie toaster is here to revolutionize your relationship to food.
You might call your toes “little piggies,” but the truth is that feet are the real workhorses of the human body. And we tend to be pretty merciless toward them for long stretches of the day, so it’s a nice gesture to show them some love when it’s all over with. And healthy feet make a happy human, so you could try giving a foot hammock to the most unlikeable person you know and see if it brightens them up a bit. Or better yet, give it to someone you like. Trust us, they’ll appreciate it.
Mice are so much cuter once they’re dead. They’re even cuter if you dress them up as famous historical figures - so long as you do all that taxidermal stuff to keep them from rotting. But someone else already took care of that for you. Best of all, you might even get a scream when the recipient realizes they’re holding a real dead mouse in their hands.
There’s nothing worse than having to get up every day and be the same damn person. We all feel the pain, but it’s a rare soul who gets to branch out into alternate identities. Now you can give this invaluable gift to someone you care about. This 48-pack of gag business cards allows the owner to take on whatever persona fits their mood that day - from the mysterious to the reckless to the downright weird.
Ever wondered what ten billion dollars feels like in your hand? Surprisingly unremarkable, as it turns out. And the design doesn’t seem appropriately inspiring either - just a few rocks and some kind of wild shrub. But hey, that doesn’t matter, because it’s still ten billion freaking dollars, right? Well, not exactly… it’s Zimbabwean money from way back during the height of their economic crisis, so it’s basically worthless. But it does have a lot of zeroes on it and the really impressive words “ten billion dollars”.
If you’re going to make use of a hideous cliche, you might as well own it. In fact, go ahead and wear it. Better yet, give it to someone else to wear, and see if they have the cojones to pull it off. Sure, the company Christmas party is the safe place to bust this thing out. But do they have the guts to rock this in February? If so, you’ve got a real killer on your hands.
Beef jerky is a fond favorite of many but, let’s be honest, it’s pretty standard. When you’re looking for a less regular gift for a less regular person, you’re going to have to do better than that. Earthworm jerky might just be the answer. This jerky is packed full of protein and we hear that it’s really tasty too. We did mean to try it ourselves, honestly … but … earthworms.