World’s Softest Blanket
This may sound like a recklessly bold claim, but we have the studies to prove it. We took all the blankets in the world and rubbed them up against a very soft person, then listened to how much they cried. This one elicited a mere whisper.
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Don’t you find it ironic that even though tens of thousands of years have passed, and countless technological innovations stand between us and our hunter-gatherer ancestors, many of us now have to go even farther to get our food? There’s something backward here. But as the modern digital age has taught us, the Internet fixes everything. And nobody who’s recovering from an injury or illness wants to go out and collect their food. This is how the modern tribe takes care of their members in need.
They say laughter is the best medicine, and Netflix is crammed full of comedies to help someone in recovery get well faster. But if they would rather watch torture movies and slasher films with people getting disemboweled and whatnot, they’ve got that too. Whatever makes them feel better.
We all have the urge to make chicken soup for a sick loved one, but that’s hard to do if you live hundreds or thousands of miles away. Enter the Spoonful of Comfort. They will deliver a basket containing gourmet soup, bread, cookies, a personalized note, and even a ladle. It’s the next best thing to doing yourself.
The cool thing about giving an Edible Arrangement as a get well soon gift is that even if they are not feeling up to eating much, it is happy to just sit there looking pretty. It’s like giving flowers that visiting well wishers can snack on. And it’s even healthy to boot!
In reality this translates to, “I’m a hopeless klutz, but nobody thinks I’m important enough to throw someone else down the stairs in my place,” but that would probably take up both sides of the shirt. And part of being a good friend involves making people proud of their shortcomings. This get well gift kind of makes them feel like a badass for busting their sh*t.
Cuddle with the enemy with this box of giant plush microbes. The doctors will do a double take when they see a macro-sized Epstein-Barr Virus on the bed next to a Penicillium chrysogenum bacteria. Fair warning: there’s also a sperm and egg pair.
Smell is considered by many researchers to be the most powerful sense. This is bad news the day after your roommate “wins” the chili eating contest at the county fair, but great news if you know how to use aromatherapy to manipulate your mood and create a better atmosphere for relaxation and healing.
When you’re convalescing, you get all kinds of ideas, because you have nothing but time to reflect. First comes a recognition of all the ways you’re being conspired against by family and government entities. Then you finally realize that the animals know more than they’re letting on. You see where this is going. Give them a puzzle book before they do something stupid.