Back in the days before society and political correctness and cell phones went and made everyone soft, you would smash an insect, rodent, or other small intruder with your bare hands, and if you were poor enough, you’d add it to whatever you were making for dinner, because it’s cheaper than buying fancy store seasonings. But that’s pretty old school, and we understand that most people have gotten off that bus. It’s a lot easier just to vacuum stuff up and be done with it.
Vacuuming will no longer feel like a chore with this powerful canister strapped to their back. Liberating and sporty, this dust-defeating, crumb-eating soldier of suction is strictly reserved for today’s most ambitious and orderly housekeepers. The latest in domestic fitness regimens, this lightweight apparatus will strengthen their core while reducing unsightly nicks on walls and unnecessary scratches on floors. Tidiness redefined.
Back in the old days you were really rolling the dice when you chose a hotel. Either you called blindly after skimming the phone book or simply drove all night and hoped you saw a vacancy sign before you ran out of gas and got murdered by a vagrant. A hotels.com gift card is not just a way of picking up the tab for a night’s stay; it’s also the priceless gift of peace of mind.
Give the gift of beautiful views, bucket-list achievements, and especially if they’re afraid of heights, hours of entertainment for you. It veers away from cruel since it’s completely safe, but you’ll definitely get your money’s worth watching them rotate between admiring the splendor and clutching the basket while praying in four languages. Especially since they only speak one.
The last thing anyone wants to do after a long day is wrack their brains trying to figure out what to drown their sorrows with. That’s really the last straw. With this beautiful, handcrafted set of drunk dice, the possibilities are endless—and so are the regrets. But hey, a party isn’t complete until things get a little dicey..
If you’ve ever suspected that you can’t trust your tongue, here’s proof. Adding volatile scents to these specialized forks completely changes the experience of eating, as your brain processes much more information through your nose than your tastebuds. Give this as a gift and help them have the weirdest, most surreal dinner parties in the neighborhood.
Polaroids may be dead, but the people who like to use them aren’t. Not all of them anyway. There’s something especially gratifying about holding a tangible photograph, especially in a world dominated by virtual commodities where everything is becoming digital. Having an instant printer on hand means they don’t have to wait for a photo printing company to print their photos from the cloud and mail them by horseback or whatever. And we all know that nobody has time to wait for a horse these days. Oh, and we should also mention: these look way better than Polaroids.
Look, we know that not everybody needs to have a giant five pound gummy bear, but not everybody technically needs pants, either. Having a giant gummy bear is like having a pair of pants: once you have one, it is hard to imagine life without it. The point is that need has nothing to do with it.
What other diversion affords the opportunity to let out both bloodcurdling screams and unrestrained giggling while indulging in sweet candy treats? Embrace the carefree silliness of youth and give them a little license to check out for a few hours. Responsibility can wait. Slap on that wristband and hop on the ride of a lifetime.