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Meetings are inherently stupid. A meeting is where good ideas, ingenuity, and morale go to die. So it would be extra stupid for anyone to put any more effort than necessary into contributing or looking smart. Here is a guidebook for the enlightened.

Sometimes a mirror just isn’t enough. You’ve heard it said that you are what you eat, so it stands to reason that it’s easier to digest things that already look like you. The selfie toaster is here to revolutionize your relationship to food.

Your feet are the hardest workers that never get any recognition. In fact most people like to pretend they don’t even have them. How do you think that makes their feet feel? Let’s face it, most office workers’ brains are on a permanent vacation. How about a vacation for their feet too?

Executive communication often tends to be dry and uninspiring. In truth, there’s no reason for that. The right props can make any old shriveled suit into a performance artist that grabs the audience by the throat and won’t let go. The executive mic will add just the right punctuation to their next board meeting.

In the overly political environment of the office workspace, every moment of social signaling matters. Which means that Doris in accounting wouldn’t be caught dead with a pen from the Springfield Sexual Addiction Center or a local proctologist’s office. Now if only someone could invent a “Borrow My Promotion?” product to keep people from stealing those.

We like to think of chickens in two categories: free-roaming farm animals, and dinner. But the truth is that nothing is stopping you (or one of your crafty co-workers) from domesticating and civilizing this iconic barnyard fowl. In fact, for someone seeking a pet with that “huh?” factor - the one that is sure to turn heads - the chicken makes a fine choice indeed. The only thing stopping them is the question of how they’ll walk it. Petco may not carry chicken harnesses, but fortunately for one of the people in your white elephant exchange, Amazon sure does.

Generally speaking, the last person in the room who needs more wine is the person who’s already gone feet up. But as long as that posture signals relaxation and not unconsciousness, it’s probably fine. There may be a moral grey area, but that’s not your problem. This is the perfect gift for the office’s most shameless wino.

Complaining about how hot it is in the office is for losers. “Adapt and survive” has been the motto of our race, and this is the next great leap in human evolution. No more does the recipient of this amazing piece of engineering need to rely on the outside world to ensure their comfort. This future is here, and man is it cool.

These days, it’s not just water contaminants and government spies that you need to keep your family safe from. Now the aliens have come for us, and in case you haven’t noticed, we’re being harvested like walking vegetables. A high-tech UFO detector has become a must-have for every modern home.

Look around the office. How many people are living their dreams right now? Don in accounting always wanted to be a getaway driver, but now all he can do is squeal the tires of his Dodge Intrepid on the way out of the parking lot. Mary in sales dreams of being a diamond thief, but she’s afraid to take the leap so she settles for stealing staplers and pens off people’s desks and stupid crap like that. It’s time to set these people free. All they need is a little nudge.

We’ve come a long way from the prehistoric custom of drinking warm beer. Now all of mankind’s greatest inventions have been combined into one neat package. This vehicle will be the envy of all who lay eyes on it, a motorized testament to mankind’s greatest accomplishments.

A certain percentage of the population has a strong obsession with animal butts. Most of them are under 10 years old - the ones who aren’t end up making thinks like this for a living. Go on, admit that you want to pull a tissue out of this cat’s butt. No one’s going to care. As long as you’re only pulling things out of the rectums of figurines and other likenesses, there’s no problem. Watching the recipient’s reaction to this gift at your white elephant exchange can probably tell you a lot about them…we’re just not sure what.

Flowers are indeed edible, with species such as rose, jasmine, and hibiscus being just a few examples of petals commonly used for flavoring. The problem is that they’re just not very filling. An entire sunflower hardly registers on your appetite. Beef jerky, on the other hand, will help quell the hunger of even the most ravenous of humans, and a beef jerky bouquet effuses a much more manly scent than a vase full of peonies. Just a more satisfying choice on so many levels.

Heavy drinking and recovery food are the yin and yang of the YOLO life. This book is 128 pages of pure detox alchemy, a journey through a magical culinary landscape where nausea evaporates like the morning dew and headaches turn to, well, less painful headaches. A must-have for the hard liver with a hard liver.

If you can’t be good, then you need to be the best at being the worst. No artistic tool better equips you for that lofty goal than the Otamatone. This thing is a crapstorm of godawful atonal noise. You’ve never heard anything worse.

A bad stomach virus will elicit fewer groans than this book. When your sense of humor has calcified into something like petrified wood, it’s time to beat people gently into a stupor with it. This is the perfect instructional guide to doing just that.

The squirrels have been playing tricks on us for years, and most of us don’t even know it. In fact, squirrels often go way over the line. From house fires to divorces, they are responsible for untold misery, suffering, and property loss. It’s time we start giving them a taste of their own medicine. Start small. Start here.

Ever wondered what ten billion dollars feels like in your hand? Surprisingly unremarkable, as it turns out. And the design doesn’t seem appropriately inspiring either - just a few rocks and some kind of wild shrub. But hey, that doesn’t matter, because it’s still ten billion freaking dollars, right? Well, not exactly… it’s Zimbabwean money from way back during the height of their economic crisis, so it’s basically worthless. But it does have a lot of zeroes on it and the really impressive words “ten billion dollars”.

It was only with the advent of modern society that we decided the broad world was no longer our toilet. This made us feel better about ourselves (and each other), but it’s so damn inconvenient. Thankfully some genius made this thing, which combines the best of both worlds - the carefree and the socially conscientious. Now we can feel whole again.

We’ve been living with goats for hundreds of thousands of years, but most of us needed the internet to find out they scream like humans. And we can’t get enough of it. Murphy’s Law guarantees the most obnoxious person in your white elephant exchange will end up with this. And then everyone will definitely get enough of it.

You might be wondering why we need another liquid metal to play with. Well, sometimes people lose their mercury, and then they get bored because they have to play with stuffed animals instead. Just make sure you don’t spill this on your car (see video).

Subtlety is not a quality that is often attributed to remarkable butts. From Brazilian calendar models to Dave in HR (in whose wake no sane person walks), the human posterior tends to grab attention forcefully, or not at all. A small company with a social conscience is looking to change that. Enter Subtle Butt, the fashion accessory you wish everyone else had.

If you enjoy the world-renowned photography of National Geographic, you’re going to love this calendar. Walmart may be a historic case-study in ruthless bottom-line economics, but it’s most remarkable as the central gathering place for the rarest specimens of rural white America. Darwin may have reconsidered his fancy theory if he had one of these handy.

As modern fashion becomes more and more demanding, and requires an ever-heavier personal commitment, it’s easy to fall behind the times and look like someone’s great-grandparent. A gold grill is a borderline necessity these days, but not everyone can afford the cost or has the inclination to undergo major dental surgery. The answer is right here.

Diabetes, obesity, and tooth loss are major problems in modern society, yet for so many they still seem so far out of reach. And let’s face it, your co-workers are much less likely to get there eating the typical pitifully-portioned candy bars that can easily fit in their glove compartment. Time to haul out the big artillery. Here comes the insulin h-bomb.

Every once in a while, even the most accomplished chef needs to shake it up. People make way too many decisions throughout the day as it is; sometimes they need someone else to make a big one for them, like what to stuff down their throats. And rest assured, the responsible souls who crafted these dice filled them with things you wouldn’t mind filling yourself with.

If you’re going to make use of a hideous cliche, you might as well own it. In fact, go ahead and wear it. Better yet, give it to someone else to wear, and see if they have the cojones to pull it off. Sure, the company Christmas party is the safe place to bust this thing out. But do they have the guts to rock this in February? If so, you’ve got a real killer on your hands.

DIY

The worst thing about this gift is the disillusionment. Like planting a hidden camera on a magician, you just won’t care to watch the show once the secret has been revealed. This small box of simple tools is all anyone will ever need to get out of any dangerous predicament they might find themselves in. But go ahead and give this to someone you care about. Survival always trumps entertainment.

Mice are so much cuter once they’re dead. They’re even cuter if you dress them up as famous historical figures - so long as you do all that taxidermal stuff to keep them from rotting. But someone else already took care of that for you. Best of all, you might even get a scream when the recipient realizes they’re holding a real dead mouse in their hands.