Programmable Alarm Clock
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Programmable Alarm Clock

Going to college means getting up and motivated for early morning classes, often after a late night of doing what college is really about – homework, right? It’s easy for students to forget to set an alarm, or to select PM instead of AM before passing out, from all that learning. A smart alarm clock can be programmed ahead of time to match their class schedule. On Monday it knows to go off at 7 in the morning, but on Tuesday it lets them sleep it off till 10.

refrigerator end table
mantables.com
Refrigerator End Table

Save your favorite college student the indignity of walking back and forth from the couch to the kitchen for a beer. We put a man on the moon for God’s sake. Hand-made by Amish craftsmen and built to last for generations, this is no flimsy Walmart furniture. Class out the wazoo.

Rocketbook Wave Smart Notebook
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Rocketbook Wave Smart Notebook

This high-tech notebook combines the best of cutting-edge technology and old fashioned pen and paper. Send notes directly to the cloud using the Rocketbook smartphone app, and erase the notebook for reuse up to five times using a microwave. For real. Now if you could only microwave away your long history of embarrassing Instagram posts.

Scanner Pen
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Scanner Pen

Capture text in easy-to-read JPEG format through this pen’s built-in laser scanner or save important voice notes in WAV format with the built-in microphone. Or just use it as a ballpoint pen, like it’s 1920 or something. If James Bond had this, he would have been as cool as you.

Motorized Cooler
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Motorized Cooler

The most important innovation in motorized vehicles since the Model T, at least. This is just a car without all of the parts you don’t care about, at a tiny fraction of the cost. Live in style and let everyone know about it.

Electronic Notepad
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Electronic Notepad

Evernote users take note, Sharper Image now has a Bluetooth-enabled tablet that gives you the pressure-sensitive feel of writing on a pad of paper…if that pad of paper could hold about 5,000 PDF files! Transfer handwritten notes seamlessly to an Evernote account, with the flexibility to work with Adobe Illustrator files as well as being OCR compatible. And while it is battery operated, a single charge lasts five days! Just try doing all that with a pad of paper!

college ostrich pillow
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Ostrich Pillow

Studies show that short naps can significantly improve mental performance. Here is their very own plush, portable head enclosure, so no matter where they are, they can take a nap so peaceful they’ll be angry that they woke up. Angry and smart as hell.

Home T-shirt
thehomet.com
Home T-shirt

Don’t send your precious kin off to school without one of these insanely comfortable t-shirts to remind them where they’re from. A great antidote to homesickness and scratchy-clothing syndrome. And if someone should find them drunk and unresponsive on the front lawn, they’ll know approximately where to send them.

HTML Beer Glasses
uncommongoods.com
HTML Beer Glasses

Most people don’t understand the technical side of beer pouring, or beer consumption for that matter. Display your nerdhood proudly for all to see, and let everyone know you speak the language. These glasses send a clear message: get with the program.

College Hacks
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College Hacks

Here is a compilation of tips, tricks, hints and advice for the college bound student. For example, did you know that instead of taking a shower and cleaning up their dorm room they can spread dry tea bags around to absorb the odor?Or instead of keeping their shoes off the coffee table they can use oil and vinegar to get the scratches out. There are lots of useful ideas in here that can help one navigate through these challenging years of academics and hygiene.

First Aid Kit
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First Aid Kit

When you send your kids off to college, you try not to think about all the bad things that can happen on a given day with nobody responsible to look after them. Contusions, scrapes, broken bones, burns, gouges, dislocations, etc. Anyway, it’s not your problem anymore. Ship them off with a clean conscience.

Water Balloon Russian Roulette
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Water Balloon Russian Roulette

Help reinforce good choices by giving a young person this hilarious version of the world’s most famous death game. Just load up a water balloon and pass the pistol around the table, then wait to see who gets soaked.

How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big
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How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big

Who would have ever thought that failure would become so universally celebrated? Scott Adams does as good a job as anyone explaining the benefits of failure and why being willing to fail (over and over again) is so important to your future success. A great gift for anyone about to enter that silly thing we call the “real world”.

selfie toaster
BurntImpressions.com
Selfie Toaster

Wouldn’t those eggs look better with their gorgeous face next to them? Any photograph can be converted into a template that will burn their beautiful mug right into every piece of bread that goes in the toaster. Fret no more, narcissism doesn’t have to wait until after breakfast.

Everything You Need to Know Before College: A Student's Survival Guide
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Student’s Survival Guide

Time to do some studying before you arrive on campus. Get some sage advice on how to avoid the most common pitfalls of college freshmanhood, from someone who’s been there and done that. They’ll sit back and laugh at their classmates as their lives unravel.

Under Bed Personal Safe
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Under Bed Personal Safe

Now that the internet has taken the place of “those magazines”, your college student should have plenty of room under the bed for this compact, sturdy rolling safe. Help them protect their valuables from that drunken, morally-challenged stranger they’ll be sharing an intimate space with. And their roommates.

UV Sanitizing Portable Vacuum
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UV Sanitizing Portable Vacuum

They will make lots of friends in college, and some of them will be grimy as hell. Their roommates’ friends will be even worse. And their roommates will possibly be worse still. This handheld vacuum not only leaves everything it touches spotless, it eliminates most of the things you don’t want to catch while sitting on the couch or walking across the bathroom floor.

Fire Extinguisher
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Fire Extinguisher

God, do we even have to explain this one? It’s unlikely you remember a single house party from your college days where something or someone did not end up aflame. Or maybe you didn’t go to a state school. But it’s always better safe than sorry. Even more, better safe than on fire.

money-bouquet
DIY
Money Bouquet

Show your appreciation and love symbolically and financially at the same time. What lasts longer in a college student’s dorm room/apartment: a dozen roses, or a dozen wads of cash? We’re betting on the former, but now you can find out.

Rugged External Hard Drive
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Indestructible External Hard Drive

Rugged, non-slip, waterproof, and shockproof, this rock-solid external hard drive will keep their data safe no matter how hopelessly clumsy or reckless they are. USB 2.0 and 3.0 compatible and built like a tank. The coordination-challenged student’s best friend.

Gold Rush Gold Panning Bucket
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Gold Panning Kit

The market is saturated with college grads, and they’re going to need a backup plan. That plan is, and always has been, gold! While they’ve been drinking Keystone Light and playing X-Box (or worse, writing math problems and studying business plans), the smart folks have been in the hills filling up their pockets with precious metals. And having a blast doing it.

The Self Finding Wallet
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Self Finding Wallet

When they can’t find the motivation to study, they’ll need to be able to find their ID so they can get into the bar. They’ll be able to find their wallet from up to 100 ft away using the handheld bluetooth locator. If the wallet is lost, the accompanying app will send them an email with a Google map of its last known location.

Stun Gun Flashlight
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Stun Gun Flashlight

The perfect portable self-defense device/sock-under-the-bed finder. If they had these in horror movies, everyone would still be alive. Compact and heavy-duty, this stun gun flashlight will fit right in their purse or sit comfortably on their nightstand for when their roommate sneaks in to steal their favorite shirt again.

Giant Beanbag
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Giant Beanbag

This giant bean bag is big enough for two, but it’s so comfortable they may not want to share it. Study in luxury or take a long nap between exams. Either way, we promise they’ll find a use for this that they soon can’t live without. But beware: just like their last questionable relationship, people have been known to disappear into these for months.

Metal Balloon Dog Sculpture
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Metal Balloon Dog Sculpture

This shiny, meticulously crafted piece of fine art is so beautiful and weird that it will fit in absolutely anywhere. Their little sister will think it’s hilarious, their friends will be confused but impressed, and their art teacher will recognize them as a true connoisseur. Time to level up their art game.

Portable Ping Pong
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Portable Ping Pong

Get a game of ping pong going on the fly using any existing table in your apartment. It’s great for parties, and for building basic old-school skills like hand-eye coordination and face-to-face communication. If that gets too weird, you can still text verbal insults at each other from across the table.

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White Noise Machine

This white noise machine makes sleeping in even the most raucous frat house a breeze. Compact and fully adjustable, it will drown out the sound of their roommates playing beer pong, dancing, yelling, or doing whatever fun activity they have decided to forego out of a sense of responsibility to their future.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
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The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Mark Manson seriously doesn’t give a f*ck, and he wants you to not give a f*ck too. Despite its (not so subtle) title, this book isn’t about not caring. It’s about not caring about the things that don’t matter so you can give your energy to the things that do. Straightforward, contrarian, and positively life-changing.

Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer
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Germ Eliminating Toothbrush Sanitizer

Their toothbrush cleans their mouth, but then what cleans their toothbrush? How have you not been thinking about this? If you don’t have one of these, your mouth and your toothbrush are just playing volleyball with all that crap that comes off your teeth. College is gross enough without walking around with a bacteria factory in your face.

Beard Head
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Beard Head

Social standards are always changing, and these days a gentleman takes off his beard when he enters a building. Ladies too. It’s so much easier to do when that beard is attached to a hat. Don’t let him be that embarrassing guy eating at a nice restaurant with his damn beard on.

bubble ball
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Bubble Ball

They’ve survived this far living outside the bubble, but why push their luck? Give them this insanely fun inflatable bubble ball, and hope they’re inside it the next time they do something indescribably stupid. A great way to insulate themselves against life’s hard uncertainties.

The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You
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The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You

In case you’re not aware, death is always clawing its way into you through every pore. Make sure everyone else knows this too by giving them this book. College students are especially clueless. Shatter their precious illusions of health and vitality, in the most entertaining and hilarious way possible. A perfect gag gift for your favorite hypochondriac.

Navigation And Fitness Tracking Insoles
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Navigation And Fitness Tracking Insoles

Let your feet guide you, and never get lost. These removable insoles link up with a smartphone app and use GPS to guide you to your destination through subtle vibrations. Lead the way without having to stare at your phone or wait for Google Maps to load. Like the pied freakin’ piper, without the annoying pan flute.

Air Swimmers Remote Control Flying Fish
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Air Swimmers Remote Control Flying Fish

Good luck convincing your roommate this isn’t an acid flashback. This remote-controlled fish will be a welcome break from conventional pets that need feeding and only stay in the air for a few seconds. Holds enough helium to turn any house party into a chipmunk colony.

experiences
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Experiences Are The Best Gifts

Let’s face it, many of these other gifts they’re either going to break, lose, or trade for something you would rather not know about. Experiences can’t be broken, lost or traded…we don’t think. We do know they make great gifts.

Breathometer
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Oral Health Monitor

What’s going on in your mouth?! Did you have a hard time answering that? This breathometer will help them track their oral health so they know whether there’s anything to be worried about without some stranger digging around in there. Links up with an app to track the presence of harmful bacteria and other health indicators.

mBerry Tablets Alter Taste Perception
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mBerry Tablets Alter Taste Perception

We all get sick of real life from time to time, and that extends to the things we put in our mouths. These tablets, made from the West African miracle berry, alter taste perception by turning sour flavors to sweet. Drink a bottle of lemon juice like it’s Kool-Aid, or eat a lime like it’s a strawberry. Guaranteed to confuse, worry, and astound everyone you know.

Grow the F*ck Up
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Grow the F*ck Up

The ultimate guide to what you should have taught them already, with a title that communicates what you can’t bring yourself to say out loud. The world may be a nicer place than the one you grew up in, but it still can’t help punishing dumbasses. Help a college student or new graduate get it together.

Custom Fortune Cookies
fancyfortunecookies.com
Custom Fortune Cookies

The most terrifying part of eating at a Chinese restaurant is having your future dictated by the random whims of a cookie manufacturer in Taiwan. That and the MSG. Take care of the first problem by giving fortune cookies with custom messages to someone you know. The only reliable way to control someone from afar.

Solar Cooker
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Solar Cooker

Why are you still struggling to light a charcoal fire when there’s a 90 billion megaton flaming ball hanging above you? Stop trying to be the hero of the story and set up this reflective solar cooker, then let daylight do the rest. Does NOT double as a tanning device.

Rotating Pizza Oven
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Rotating Pizza Oven

The only problem with an oven is that it’s so much bigger than a pizza. Nobody knows why. This rotating pizza oven is compact and has separately-controlled, programmable bottom and top heating elements so your pizza comes out perfect every time. Fast, efficient, energy-saving, and delicious.

Never Have I Ever Game
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Never Have I Ever Game

Help them learn more about the people around them than they could ever possibly want to know with the classic party game Never Have I Ever. The game is simple: each player takes turns drawing a card and reading the “Never have I ever…” statement out loud, answers truthfully, then hopes everyone is too drunk to remember what they said.

netflix as gift
netflix.com
Netflix Subscription

You’d be surprised what passes for research these days. A show like Game of Thrones can replace the hours a student would have had to spend poring over Machiavelli’s The Prince and the Kama Sutra. Come to think of it, they might not teach those books in college. Whatever. Learning is learning.

Shopping Spree
DIY
Shopping Spree

Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop. You probably don’t either, so why don’t you just hand over the credit card and let the magic happen. Many a sorrow has been drowned in the aisles of America’s malls.

Forbidden Knowledge: 101 Things NOT Everyone Should Know How to Do
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101 Things NOT Everyone Should Know How to Do

One of the things about college is that, while you do learn many useful things, you also learn a lot of stuff that sounds nice but doesn’t actually work. It’s good to balance that out with some really terrible things that do work, even if you kind of wish they didn’t. That’s pretty much this whole book.

NASA Sleep Promoting Light Bulb
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NASA Sleep Promoting Light Bulb

Some college students suffer from a rare disorder in which their chemistry and history text books fail to put them to sleep. In that case, they should be read in the glow of this NASA designed light bulb, which filters out blue light to help stimulate production of melatonin. Help them re-establish a healthy reaction to learning.

Swiss Army Knife
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Swiss Army Knife

This pocket implement is full of old-school charm. Besides, very few of life’s problems cannot be solved with a miniature knife, a miniature nail file, or a miniature pair of scissors. This is the very tool that helped the Swiss Army win the famous Battle of Naples in 1976.

The Man Bowl
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The Man Bowl

He ain’t no child anymore, so don’t make him eat like one. Help him feed his inner animal with this dog bowl inspired man bowl. With this in front of him he will command respect, attention, and maybe a few pats on the head.

Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals
flipsidez.com
Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals

Having to repeat yourself is such a bore. These comfortable foam sandals leave a clear message behind you, so you can give the command without opening your mouth. Trips to the beach will get a lot cheaper and easier now that your minions know exactly what to do.

Cricket Energy Bars
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Cricket Energy Bars

If you’re like most people, your mouth waters when you hear the sound of crickets chirping, but you hold back because of the social consequences of eating live insects. Or perhaps not. Maybe you just know someone who’s looking for a more interesting, eco-friendly way to get a nutritious protein fix. These are for them too.

Life Hacks
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Life Hacks

This book will take the brakes off their life by teaching them how to get around all kinds of everyday annoyances, so they can free up their mind for more important decisions, like what to write on their roommate’s face while he’s asleep, and whether to wear that same pair of jeans for the 37th day in a row.

Fidget Pen
thinkinkpen.com
Fidget Pen

Sometimes they’d like to do their homework, but they can just feel their brain cells dying of boredom. With more moving parts than their social life, this pen allows for endless fidgeting, which has been proven to increase focus and attention span.

Virtual Reality Headset
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Virtual Reality Headset

Escape the stressors of the real world by venturing into the virtual land of, well, whatever some demented programmer came up with. Virtual reality applications are expanding all the time into areas no one ever thought of, and pretty soon everyone is going to want one of these. Help a college student you know get on the VR train first.

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Brain Specimen Coasters

Mull the inner workings of the human mind while you slowly ingest liquid nourishment. There’s nothing like having a visual guide to help you ponder where your roommate’s latest moronic comment originated. A perfect gift for the geeky and morbid alike.

Watermelon Keg Kit
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Watermelon Keg Kit

Nothing adds a bit of natural flair to an outdoor party better than a large piece of fruit that gets you drunk. Just hollow out a watermelon, insert the tap, and fill it up with your favorite beverage. Let them show off their inner DIY in the coolest way possible.

Pens No One Will Borrow
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Pens No One Will Borrow

Do you ever feel like you’re buying pens for the whole damn block? People will think twice about pocketing these when they see the bizarre and embarrassing messages printed on them. Just make sure not to bust them out at a job interview.

World’s Largest Coffee Cup
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World’s Largest Coffee Cup

It has been prophesied that the apocalypse will not come via comet or nuclear war, it will come when the world’s caffeine sources dry up. But that’s not for another 15 or 20 years. Until then, it should be approached with a complete lack of self-control. Give them a leg up at exam time with a buzz you should need a prescription for.

Career-Coach
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Career Coach

Whether it’s the simple act of putting together a résumé or the shifty art of mastering office politics, a new or soon-to-be graduate needs guidance from someone who has had their boots on the ground. They’ve put all this work into getting smart; don’t let them get stomped by some stone-dumb backstabber with a better plan.

naked roommate college book
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Issues You Might Run Into In College

Help alleviate their fear of the unknown by bombarding them with all the sordid details upfront. Bestselling syndicated advice columnist Harlan Cohen will hold their proverbial hand as they navigate the choppy waters of college freshmanhood. Prepare them for their first adventure living away from home so they can take the weird in stride.

Laptop
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Laptop

You have to admit: after a spaceship, this really is the mother of all gifts. And unlike the spaceship, they’ll know how to use a laptop. From paper writing to research to visual design, a laptop is an indispensable piece of equipment that will get constant use. If they don’t give you a sincere, wholehearted thank you for this, you have strict permission to never talk to them again.

Loaded Toolbox
DIY
Loaded Toolbox

In the modern world, someone who can fix real life material objects is bound to be heralded among the living miracles. If you’re old enough to remember seeing the first man step on the moon, that’s how your college student’s roommates will view the changing of a doorknob. God status awaits in these metal drawers.

Non-electric Portable Compact Mini Washing Machine
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Non-electric Portable Washing Machine

Admit it, you always secretly hoped they’d grow up to be Amish. But you knew if you ever brought it up directly they’d just dig their heels in. Subtly nudge them in that direction by giving them a non-electric washing machine. The operation is surprisingly fast and easy and they’ll save on both electricity and trips to the laundromat. Great for emergency spills and stains.

Auto Survival Kit
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Auto Survival Kit

Cars are fun, sexy, and practical, but people rarely think about how quickly they can turn into a flaming, frozen, or mangled death trap. This compact kit gives you the tools to cut or break yourself free from most automotive emergency situations, and also contains basic first aid and survival supplies.

Mini-Sandbox For Desk
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Mini Desktop Sandbox

They won’t always have time to jump in the car and drive to the beach, so bring the beach to their desktop. They’re way too old now to play in the neighborhood sandbox without starting rumors, so let them relive their childhood in privacy.

Beats Headphones
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Beats Headphones

These are the hottest headphones on the market for a reason. Sturdy and versatile with a strong, tight low-end sound, they perform well with anything, but really shine when playing modern music. If you ever thought college students were hard to get through to, you should see them when they’ve got these stuck to their skulls.

Lottery Ticket Bouquet
DIY
Lottery Ticket Bouquet

Everyone knows that money doesn’t grow on trees, yet no one thinks to ask why we continue giving leaf-bearing plants to each other. Just give them money and they have nothing to complain about. Or at least the false hope of money. Even if every one of the tickets is a dud, you know damn well you aren’t getting squat out of a rhododendron.

Beanbag Chair
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Beanbag Chair

Bean bags aren’t just for kids anymore. And even if they were, everyone knows Millennials have no intention of growing up. A bean bag chair is the perfect midway point: it feels just like what they want to sit on, but it’s shaped sort of like the furniture old people use.

drinko shots game
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Drinko Shots Game

Let the chips fall where they may with this knockoff of the famous The Price Is Right game. This will add a little suspense to one of college’s most time-honored traditions, the obliteration of unneeded brain cells. Drinko helps facilitate social bonding by giving them a chance to delight in each other’s misery. House parties will never be the same.

Solar Power Backpack
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Solar Power Backpack

When you were a kid, you thought we would all have jetpacks by now. Somewhere along the line they dropped the ball on that one, but this is a nice consolation prize. Help them harness the cosmic rays that maintain all life on Earth for what they really care about: keeping up with their Facebook news feed.

The Manual to Manhood
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The Manual to Manhood

Chivalry, handiness, and other old-time male values are making a big comeback. This is the perfect guide to how to be the manly man that girls swoon over and lesser man-boys look up to. Let him read this once over before he heads off to college, and he’ll be the only adult in the room – well, relatively speaking.

AAA membership
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AAA membership

You like the idea of throwing them to the wolves, but then you remember how many times you’ve sat back and watched in disbelief. Add a car to the mix and it only gets worse. Trust us, roadside assistance is a really good idea. Because deep down inside, you know that for every happy ending, there’s a 1990 Camaro on the side of the road somewhere with a skeleton in the front seat.

Dorm Mini Fridge
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Dorm Mini Fridge

When you go off to college, one of the things that weighs on your mind is who is going to monitor your perishables. They’re likely to have lots of fruit and dairy products that could easily spoil if left in the wrong hands. God, think of all that wasted wholesomeness.

Bike-Safety-Lights
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Bike Safety Lights

Usually, the less attention they draw the better. Just think back to Christmas a few years ago, prom night, great uncle Ed’s funeral, that one time at the DMV, or (insert regrettable memory here). Among the few exceptions are those times when they’re likely to get run over. Give the gift of visibility.

Smartphone Charging Emergency Weather Radio
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Smartphone Charging Emergency Weather Radio

Since the dawning of time, chaos, terror, and death have periodically rained down from the sky. Only the lucky were spared. But now we have weather radios, so you can go inside instead of dying. This one also conveniently charges your phone so the next hurricane doesn’t have to interrupt your game of angry birds.

GoCubes Chewable Coffee
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GoCubes Chewable Coffee

Packs of four chewable gummies, each with the caffeine potency of half a cup of coffee. Perfect for all the times when it isn’t practical to brew up a pot or there isn’t a Starbucks within 20 feet. The only real alternative to becoming a speed freak.

Blobfish Pillow
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Blobfish Pillow

The infamous deepwater blobfish has been voted ugliest animal in the world. Show it some love by sending its so-ugly-it’s-adorable pillow likeness home with a college student you know. Adds a touch of charm and pity to any living room or bedroom.

Digital Pen Saves What You Write
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Digital Pen Saves What You Write

Finally, you can write freehand on your computer without ruining the screen. This combination bluetooth pen/receiver captures your silly little doodles and saves them as digital files. Save your notes without having to type them into a word processor.