Retirement is a momentous occasion that marks the turning point from, “Jesus, I can’t believe I have to do this another day,” to “Holy Christ, what the hell am I going to do with all this time?” A major milestone indeed. And whether it’s goodbye or good riddance, you’re sure to have some feelings about losing that coworker to the great hereafter. Whether you’d like to give them something useful, something sentimental, or a gag gift to subtly taunt them about their advancing age, you can find your retirement gift muse lurking somewhere on this page.

Day Clock
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Day Clock

When you are retired, time doesn’t mean quite the same thing anymore. The day clock will tell you what day of the week it is (they all blend together), and it will give you a vague sense of what time it might be (which, let’s be honest here, is all you really need). What it won’t tell you is what the exact time is (let the working stiffs worry about that).

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Photo Signed By Colleagues

Assuming it is possible for everyone else to swallow their jealousy long enough to write something nice, a signature frame is probably the most meaningful retirement gift a person could receive. This is also assuming the person retiring wasn’t a huge jerk their entire career.

Lottery Ticket Bouquet
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Lottery Ticket Bouquet

When you are on a fixed income, any extra bit of money helps. That’s why making a lovely bouquet of (potential) extra money is such a fun idea. Why not just give cash, you may be asking? Here’s a reason: if they win, they might share with you, but they’re definitely not going to share the cash you just gave them.

emoji golf balls
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Emoji Golf Balls

Newly retired people are probably not up on the all the latest emoji, but they do have plenty of time for golf. These practice balls are a way to give the retiree in your life a way to use emoji without making you cringe. Fore!

250 Retirement Questions Everyone Should Ask
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Retirement Questions Everyone Should Ask

So, yes, we agree that this informative book might make more sense as a ten-years-until-retirement gift, but there is still plenty of good stuff in here that will come in handy even for someone who has already retired. Better late than never we say!

Personalized Travel Map
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Personalized Travel Map

The world is a huge place, and it can be hard to keep track of where you have been and where you still want to go. This personalized travel map comes complete with color-coded flags and pins to help with that. It’s the perfect decoration to hang in the RV.

Custom Bobblehead
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Custom Bobblehead

Bobbleheads were cool at sometime in the past, apparently, but not anymore. We realize this. But consider that the same is probably true for a person just entering retirement. Cool a long time ago, now not so much. Well the gift should match the recipient, right? It just makes sense.

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Bucket List Bucket

In case you’ve been living in one, a bucket list is the list of all the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. And what better place to place your bucket list than in a bucket?

small gifts
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Box of Small Gifts – 1 For Every Year Of Work

Giving just one gift is boring! Instead, how about giving a whole boxful of them? Give a small gift for every year your retiree worked, and make it seem like it was all worthwhile. Sure, it takes a little more thought, but the thought is what counts anyway.

xbox gift card
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Xbox Gift Card

Just because someone is old enough to retire doesn’t mean they don’t want to blast aliens. Why not give them a way to put all their extra time to waste? If Xbox isn’t their thing, PlayStation sells gift cards too. Heck, they’ll probably get both systems anyway.

travel plans
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Travel Plans

Retired people love to travel, and they love it even more if they get to do it with someone they love. So plan a trip and bring them along! You get to decide where to go and what to do, while they can do what retired people do best: RELAX.

Good Bye Tension, Hello Pension
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Good Bye Tension, Hello Pension

People still get pensions? Retirement is the BEST. Give the gift of smug satisfaction with one of these novelty mugs and glasses that tells the world your favorite retiree is kicking back, forgetting about all the stress, and still getting paid every month.

Napping Pillow
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Napping Pillow

The only to-do list that helps to complete itself, this fun pillow is the essence of retired life. It is unclear why the back side of this plush novelty is made to resemble old concrete. Perhaps the answer will come in a dream.

Never-Ending Congratulations Card
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Never-Ending Congratulations Card

Congratulate your retiree for hours at a time with this musical greeting card. Once the music starts playing it keeps playing for three hours whether the card is open, closed, or in the trash can.

Never Have I Ever Game
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Never Have I Ever Game

Turn a retirement party into a college drinking game with Never Have I Ever. Find out everything they didn’t have time to do while working all those years, and get hammered while doing it. Hangovers aren’t half as bad when there’s no work to go to in the morning.

art
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Original Artwork

Give the gift of beauty with a piece of original artwork from Artsy. These are not prints. This is the real thing, suitable for mature adults with refined tastes, like a retired person is supposed to have. Of course, some of the stuff here maybe isn’t all that refined, but at least it is original.

Melting Time Clock
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Melting Time Clock

Being home all day with nothing to do can be a surreal experience for someone who has spent the last 40+ years in the workforce, which makes this Salvador Dalí inspired melting clock the perfect way to mark the persistence of wasting time.

Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals
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Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals

What a way to walk off into the sunset! These fashionable flip-flops allow the new retiree to leave a trail of words like breadcrumbs down the beach beckoning one and all to follow along and bring some suds to share.

Golf Club You Can Pee In
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Golf Club Urinal

Here are two things we know about old retired men: (1) They like to play golf. 2) They have to pee a lot more often than younger folk. The golf club urinal solves the second thing so they can focus on the first. It even comes with a towel so nobody gets arrested.

Custom Retirement Award
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Custom Retirement Award

Just because the company didn’t give the retiree in your life an award does not mean they didn’t deserve one. Class up the place with a cut crystal eagle or a rosewood plaque. It’s the perfect thing for them to put in their home office while they stare vacantly at the wall.

Unforgettable Senior Moments
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Unforgettable Senior Moments

Make them feel better about their slow slide into dementia with this compilation of some of the funniest mental lapses in history. They might not remember to thank you for this gift, but they will at least laugh out loud. If they can remember where they put it.

Letter Of Appreciation From Former Presidents
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Letter Of Appreciation From Former Presidents

If you know someone retiring with 30 or more years of service to the federal government, civilian or military, perhaps a letter from a President of the United States is in order. Have their favorite leader commemorate their retirement with this one of a kind gift.

You're Only Old Once
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You’re Only Old Once

Dr. Seuss isn’t just for kids, you know. He wrote books for people of all ages, even the ones who are at retirement age. This hilarious and insightful gift will be a pleasant surprise for any loved one entering their golden years who loves to laugh and remembers being young.

prop money stack
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Prop Money Looks Like $50,000

Give the gift of fat stacks of cash with this genuine bundle or real fake US currency. This prop money looks good enough to fool even the most discerning filmgoer, and makes a fun gift for a retiree who is about to discover life on a fixed income.