Retirement Gifts

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Retirement is a momentous occasion that marks the turning point from, “Jesus, I can’t believe I have to do this another day,” to “Holy Christ, what the hell am I going to do with all this time?” A major milestone indeed. And whether it’s goodbye or good riddance, you’re sure to have some feelings about losing that retiree to the great hereafter. Whether you’re looking for retirement gifts that are sentimental and thoughtful, things that are useful, or gag gifts to subtly taunt them about their advancing age, you can find your retirement gift muse lurking somewhere on this page.

The great thing about retirement is that you can finally say whatever the hell you want, because you’re no longer bound by the normal financial and social rules. If you put it on a business card, they can say it without even having to open their mouths. Help make retirement a time of great relaxation and catharsis.

Assuming it is possible for everyone else to swallow their jealousy long enough to write something nice, a signature frame is probably the most meaningful retirement gift a person could receive. This is also assuming the person retiring wasn’t a huge jerk their entire career.

A bottle of Dom Perignon is the gold standard in beverages for celebrating a major milestone. It’s also rumored to naturally run through the veins of royalty, explaining its popularity with social climbers. And while one bottle of the Dom isn’t going to turn them into a king, it can make them feel like one for a night. And after all, isn’t that what a retirement party is all about? Help them kick off the rest of their life with a bang — or at least a hearty pop.

Almost everyone has a bucket list. But if you talk to enough people, you’ll find that a lot of those buckets are kind of empty. The Bucket List Experiences Gift Box allows you to dump a whole bunch of stuff into someone’s bucket, and let them pull one of those things out for free. It’s simple: for a flat price, you buy them access to a whole list of unique activities and experiences at locations across the world, and they get to choose whichever one tickles their fancy the most.

When you are retired, time doesn’t mean quite the same thing anymore. The day clock will tell you what day of the week it is (they all blend together), and it will give you a vague sense of what time it might be (which, let’s be honest here, is all you really need). What it won’t tell you is what the exact time is (let the working stiffs worry about that).

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When you are on a fixed income, any extra bit of money helps. That’s why making a lovely bouquet of (potential) extra money is such a fun idea. Why not just give cash, you may be asking? Here’s a reason: if they win, they might share with you, but they’re definitely not going to share the cash you just gave them.

The plane has finally landed, and it’s time for them to get off. It’s been a wild ride, but who’s to say that retirement won’t be even wilder? Here’s a special delivery of unique messages to that newly retired person - 31 of them, to be exact. Enough to ease them into their new life of freedom and do-whatever-they-damn-well-please with a daily reminder of how much they’re appreciated. Good job, old champ. You’ve come out the other end smelling like a rose. Choose from ready-made sets with messages already included, blank cards that you can fill in yourself, or Kindnotes will custom print your personalized set and jar.

Let’s be honest, this is what they’ve been working towards: margaritas at 10 in the morning. Or whenever. And nobody wants the hassle of having to clean yesterday’s fiber pulp out of the blender or remember a recipe just to enjoy what they’ve earned. A dedicated frozen cocktail machine is the only sensible answer. The taste of paradise on command whether they live in the tropics or in a trailer park in Idaho.

Progress can be harder to track when you don’t have a boss breathing down your neck anymore. Here is a solution for the retiree who doesn’t want to spend all their time feeding birds. After all, the hardest part of staying busy is coming up with the ideas. But give the old champ a set of challenges, and watch them spring to life with a renewed vigor. All it takes is a little encouragement, and maybe a slight disregard for personal safety.

Making it to retirement can sometimes be like getting to a vacation destination after an interminably long drive only to realize you don’t know why the hell you came. Help them begin their golden years with a good laugh and a head full of questionable but outrageously fun ideas. At last, they’re freed from the shackles of gainful employment. Now is the time to let it rip.

There is no greater symbol of no-frills comfort than the classic hammock. They’re too old now to be confined to the standard furniture used by the sheeple who still wake up every morning to go to work. This retirement gift is the epitome of primal luxury.

Dr. Seuss isn’t just for kids, you know. He wrote books for people of all ages, even the ones who are at retirement age. This hilarious and insightful gift will be a pleasant surprise for any loved one entering their golden years who loves to laugh and remembers being young.

Retired people love to travel, and they love it even more if they get to do it with someone they love. So plan a trip and bring them along! You get to decide where to go and what to do, while they can do what retired people do best: RELAX.

It’s a great big world out there, and now that they’re old enough that their employer is fine with them not coming in to work anymore, they’re going to need some guidance. Don’t let them spend their golden years aimlessly roaming public buildings and eating hot dogs at Target every day just because they don’t have any better ideas. We’ve got fifty U.S. states genuinely packed with beautiful, breathtaking, and sometimes downright weird surprises. It’s enough to fill a few lifetimes at least. So give them the information they need to get to it.

Not everybody on the brink of retirement is looking to cut the cord altogether. It’s nice to have a little reminder of the place they gave some of their best years to, even if it’s only in the form of a small trinket. Sort of like the way that poison in small doses can be healthy.

Retirement parties are all about giving thanks for the hard work, companionship, support, and dedication the retiree has given over the years. And for the inappropriate jokes too — the never-ending inappropriate jokes. A guest book is the perfect way to let all those people your beloved retiree has touched over the years (hopefully metaphorically) leave their well-wishes and share their favorite memories. Besides, as old as they are, they probably won’t remember half of what anyone says to them at the party, so it’s better to have a written record.

The world is a huge place, and it can be hard to keep track of where you have been and where you still want to go. This personalized travel map comes complete with color-coded flags and pins to help with that. It’s the perfect decoration to hang in the RV.

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Everybody knows that when the time comes, you don’t just leave the prison, you burn it to the ground. Since following that tradition to the letter is actually very illegal, it’s probably better to do it symbolically. The equipment is cheap, but the emotional payoff of this retirement gift is priceless.

It’s been proven that a bottle of wine tastes a lot better once you don’t have to worry about the hangover. For decades, bizarre responsibilities like work and family have cut into their drinking time. That’s all over now, as they’ve entered the glorious don’t give a f*ck stage of life. It would be a shame if their retirement gifts didn’t reflect this.

So, yes, we agree that this informative book might make more sense as a ten-years-until-retirement gift, but there is still plenty of good stuff in here that will come in handy even for someone who has already retired. Better late than never we say!

Now that retirement is upon them, they probably talk a lot about the far-flung places they’re going to visit. There are whole continents to be explored, and the other side of the world is just a plane ticket away. Just smile and nod. We all know where they’re going to end up. Just make sure they don’t get lost.

It took years of hard work to reach this point. Or, more likely, years of pretending to work hard. When someone finishes a marathon, they get all kinds of swag to prove they made it from start to finish, and that’s only a few hours of discomfort. We’re talking about decades of stress, annoyance, and repressed murderous impulses here. They’ve earned the right to wear their journey for everyone to see.

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Entering retirement means living on a fixed income, which means what they really want for a retirement gift is money. However, money is not the world’s most creative gift so you may want to present it in a creative way. If you’ve ever tried to hand someone a fistful of wadded bills as a gift, you know that doesn’t always go over so well. If you’ve got an artistic hand (or access to YouTube), you can make those bills into something that passes for more than a simple monetary transaction.

If there’s anyone you should turn to for sound financial advice, it’s a Boglehead — the devotees of the late great John C. Bogle, founder and CEO of The Vanguard Group. Follow the Bogleheads through the pages of this easy-to-read book toward the light of a financially secure future. Even if you currently have no idea at all what you’re doing, the Bogleheads will take you by the hand and lead you down the righteous path of retirement solvency. It’s like having a miniature financial genius in your back pocket. Except you never have to worry about sitting on him.

Make no bones about it: it’s over. That’s a doorway they’re never going to walk back through again. And life is so much sweeter on the other side, something that they can remind themselves of with every bite. Time to stick a fork in that old job.

An enduring American symbol of freedom and self-determination. Like a bald eagle with wheels. Now that retirement is upon them, the known world is home. All that’s left is to go out and show everyone who owns it, just like they’ve always said they would.

Now that all that work is finally done, they'll have plenty of time on their hands. What better way to spend it than getting out and seeing the country? What better way to get them out of your hair for a few days? But seriously, you do want their experience to be as enjoyable as possible, of course. When traveling, some people really like an element of predictability to anchor their experience in an unfamiliar place. With a recognizable name like Hilton, you know exactly what to expect. Unfortunately, that name and that predictability come at a premium. You can help take the sting out of a vacation’s most expensive element by picking up the tab ahead of time.

Without a boss to “inspire” them to move their ass everyday, the risk of becoming catastrophically sedentary increases with every passing year. They don’t need to train like they’re gearing up for Mr. Olympia or Miss Universe, but it would be a good idea to get off their keester every once in a while. They’ll enjoy their afternoon gin and tonic and their Matlock reruns a lot more when they feel like they’ve earned it.

The world is full of natural and man-made wonders, and in the modern age we have the means to visit all of them, and furthermore to get there within a day or two. And every one of these wonders is better seen while you’re still alive, which the title of this book is not shy about pointing out. Retirees need something to shoot for in their golden years, and 1000 is quite the ambitious number. Now that they’re not tied down to that silly job anymore, it’s time to dust off the old traveling boots and regain a sense of adventure.

The practice of cultivating bonsai trees has been refined over the centuries into a special art in Japan, one that is heavy with symbolism relating to balance, harmony, and the different stages of life. Who knows if they’re going to care about all that. It sure beats another spider plant.

The only to-do list that helps to complete itself, this fun pillow is the essence of retired life. It is unclear why the back side of this plush novelty is made to resemble old concrete. Perhaps the answer will come in a dream.

Now that they’ve got a little more time on their hands, they can master that whole cooking thing. Of course, that doesn’t mean they have to do it all on their own. A Blue Apron subscription means the right ingredients get delivered straight to their door, so they can set about making meals that would impress a chef, even if the only chef they know is Boyardee.

If you haven’t heard, the digital publishing revolution has been in full swing for years now. Anyone can order their own custom created books, pamphlets, and other propaganda material with the click of a button. Online printing experts Shutterfly have gotten in the game with a custom printed photo book. No more slipping Polaroids into clear plastic sleeves. That was cool in the 60s, but we’ve come a long way since then. Now you can commission the kind of glossy, professionally bound photo book that used to be reserved for the fancy-pantsed big shot photographers.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere. When that somewhere allows you to buy daily necessities in bulk for super cheap, that somewhere manages to fill multiple needs at once. And let’s face it, it’s a lot better than watching them run off to join a cult.

Work may have been a strain on their marriage, a major source of emotional stress, and a general pain in the ass, but at least it gave them a reason to get out of the house for all those years. The great thing about museums is that it’s one of those places you can wander around and stare at things without being asked to leave. They’re going to need more places like that.

Some people just can’t sit still. That makes retirement a little dicey, and can lead to some bad decisions. Keep them occupied with a new skill to learn every month, curated by people who know how to keep the old folks out of trouble. Kind of like remote babysitters.

They worked damn hard for this part of their life, and they deserve some free stuff. Or, if not free, at least cheap. This is like the cool kids club for old people, except everyone can get in if they pay the dues. There’s no reason they can’t go on living in style.

Let’s be real: financial advisors are really there to take your money. Behind that smarmy smile and questionably tailored suit is a walking, breathing, organic pile of self-interest. It’s about time someone dished on what truly makes retirement rewarding. This kind of advice is what they’ve really been waiting for.

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Whatever colors they wore in their younger, more spry years, you can bet they wore them with pride. But god knows they’re not going to fit into that uniform anymore. And even if they did manage to force their old carcass into those youthful dimensions, it would probably only make everyone a little worried for their mental health. But turn it into an everyday use item like a tote bag, and they’ll look stylish as all get-out.

In a couple of generations, nobody’s even going to know what the hell a book is. Have you seen a teenager try to figure out how to use one of their parents’ audio cassettes? But for those of us in the know, books are the real source of pure knowledge and wisdom, untainted by the runoff of digital culture. Like a cold, clear mountain stream, but with words.

Once you’ve got a few (hundred thousand) miles on your bones, low-impact exercise is the way to go. A swim routine is the best tonic for those aching, sagging muscles. But old people tend to get lost easily, so you probably don’t want to drop them at the lake and let them swim off. Better to find a nice pool with a little bit of supervision.

They put a lot of work, not to mention their heart and soul, into making a vision come true. Show them that someone else noticed with a professionally-made video biography narrating the highlights of their career. A nice final ego kick as they make the transition into old people world.

The good life is all about quality over quantity. Or maybe it’s about quality and quantity. We’re not here to argue. If they still want to swill down cheap rotgut wine by the box, nobody’s going to stop them. It’s their life, not yours. But here’s a great way to broaden their horizons once a month by introducing them to the stuff that’s popular with the people who don’t mix their chardonnay with diet sprite.

You might think that retirement is all relaxation, making this kind of gift redundant. Boy, would you be wrong. There’s all that yard work, all those coupons to clip, and all those young people running around acting a fool. Retirement is just as full of annoyance and monotony as anything else. A spa gift card is worth its weight in gold.

This is the old people version of buying them their own pool cue. Like every game of chance, bingo is ruled by the secret and unfathomable rubric of superstition. Using a borrowed dauber is like spitting in the face of the lottery gods. Not a good idea.

Being home all day with nothing to do can be a surreal experience for someone who has spent the last 40+ years in the workforce, which makes this Salvador Dalí inspired melting clock the perfect way to mark the persistence of wasting time.

People still get pensions? Retirement is the BEST. Give the gift of smug satisfaction with one of these novelty mugs and glasses that tells the world your favorite retiree is kicking back, forgetting about all the stress, and still getting paid every month.

Bobbleheads were cool at sometime in the past, apparently, but not anymore. We realize this. But consider that the same is probably true for a person just entering retirement. Cool a long time ago, now not so much. Well the gift should match the recipient, right? It just makes sense.

Help someone get away and recharge in a faraway place where nobody knows them and they can act however they want with virtually no longstanding social repercussions. Because when things get tough, evacuation is usually the only solution.

Just because the company didn't give the retiree in your life an award does not mean they didn’t deserve one. Class up the place with a cut crystal eagle or a rosewood plaque. It’s the perfect thing for them to put in their home office while they stare vacantly at the wall.

Just because someone wants to have a smartwatch doesn’t mean it has to ruin their sophisticated wardrobe. Conversely, just because someone wants a classy watch doesn’t mean it has to be as dumb as…an old watch. The Armani Touchscreen Smartwatch bridges that gap elegantly, with a classic analog-style watch face as well as Android and iOS compatibility. The Armani touchscreen allows them to text, track their activities, monitor their sleep, control the music on their smartphone, and tell the time (as if anyone does that with a watch anymore).

Knowledge is the lifeblood of commerce, and sharing knowledge is how the human race continues its noble march toward destruction. But these days, people would just as soon carry a stone tablet as a paperback. An Amazon Kindle is the best way to look smart in public without seeming like a relic.

Make them feel better about their slow slide into dementia with this compilation of some of the funniest mental lapses in history. They might not remember to thank you for this gift, but they will at least laugh out loud. If they can remember where they put it.

Give the gift of fat stacks of cash with this genuine bundle of real fake US currency. This prop money looks good enough to fool even the most discerning filmgoer, and makes a fun gift for a retiree who is about to discover life on a fixed income.

Despite its name, this is not a field guide to the best edible roadkill, but a legitimate book about things you’ll want to eat in different places across this wide and beautiful land. Packed full of hidden gems and insider tips, this book is sure to keep them full and satisfied no matter which direction they strike off.

Once retirement hits, you’ve really got nobody left to impress. This is the time for them to do whatever the hell they feel like, all day every day. That includes eating what they really want to eat. When you retire, so do the food police. And trust us, these baskets are full of what they really want to eat.

We can’t emphasize this enough: you ride the motorized cooler full of drinks to the party, you drink its contents, and then you WALK it back home. Nobody wants to be the guy on the news who got arrested for drunk driving an empty cooler. So stay safe.

The age-old question is, “Would you even want to know?” Find out a new retiree’s answer to this eternal query by gifting them this watch and observing the look that passes over their face when they realize what it is. It might even give them a goal to shoot for in a phase of life when motivation sometimes runs low.

Get them started on that Bucket List while there’s time and health to finish it, with a tangible, physical bucket. They can pick an adventure whenever life permits. It's a gift that gives them the opportunity to make memories, rather than giving them a reason to make more closet space.

The beginning of retirement is like a starter pistol that tells you to booze it up. There’s really no reason to be sober anymore. The problem is that kind of drinking gets expensive. Time to become the first-world old folks version of the subsistence farmer: the artisan drinker.

Lobsters have many, many great qualities, not least among them are their nutritional and flavor profiles. But they’re dumb as dirt, exceptionally slow, and don’t drive. So if it’s inconvenient for you to go all the way to the ocean to find the best lobsters, you’re going to have to get someone to mail them to you. Thankfully, lobster mail is now a reality.

Generally speaking, the last person in the room who needs more wine is the person who’s already gone feet up. But as long as that posture signals relaxation and not unconsciousness, it’s probably fine. There may be a moral grey area, but that’s not your problem. This is the perfect gift for the most shameless wino you know.

If flowers could get you drunk, men would be all about bouquets. Until then, replace the posies and roses with distilled spirits and ale, and your manly recipient will be as woozy and giddy as a schoolgirl who just got her first love note. After a long day of doing man things, all he really wants is to relax and recover in the glow of a nice warm buzz. And every time he does, he’ll remember you, and think to himself what great taste you have.

What’s the point of moving or traveling if you’re going to do the same things you’ve always done when you get there? Give this anywhere travel guide to someone who’s going away and needs some ideas on how to battle boredom. Cards feature prompts that suggest activities they probably wouldn’t think of if left to their own devices.

Just give it to them. Don’t make a big deal about it, or give them diet books or a lecture or anything like that. They know. They have figured out for themselves that their body is not quite the well-tuned machine that it once was. Just give the Fitbit, and leave the rest to them.

You have no idea how weird the world is. Yeah, we know, you’ve seen your 400 lb next door neighbor dancing to the Bee Gees in his underwear through the front window at 2 in the morning. Take our word for it: that’s nothing. Anyone with a touch of wanderlust and an appreciation for the bizarre will cherish this book.

The beer world has truly exploded with breweries over the last decade-plus, which is great for anyone who likes trying new things. However, this proliferation of choice has a dark side. Dyed-in-the-wool beer lovers now face overwhelming anxiety every time they go to pick up a six pack or fill up a growler. The Craft Beer Club removes this pain point by making the necessary choices for all involved, so beer time can go back to being the sweet revelation it used to be.

Retirement is the time to finally live large, and these jumbo retirement cards are a great way to deliver a big message. They’re also big on laughs, and, well, they’re just really big. It’s almost like a really funny book with no pages, just a front and back cover. They’re great for the kinds of offices where everybody is always trying to one-up everyone else, or where you have to scream to get attention. Save your vocal cords this time and let a big (like, really big), funny (like, extra funny) card do the talking.

The professional world is frought with uncertainty, and we all need a backup plan. That plan is, and always has been, gold! While we've been toiling away to make ends meet, the smart folks have been in the hills filling up their pockets with precious metals. And having a blast doing it.

Happy couple decides to go on vacation, finds quaint lodging belonging to complete stranger for a price that seems too good to be true. In the movies, they get hacked to pieces. So here’s one way you can be happy that real life never ends up like the movies. In real life, they just have a great time and never stay in a hotel again.

After so many years of dutifully showing up and doing what needs to be done, they might need a little nudge to let them know it’s fine to loosen up the old belt, let their hair down, and do their own thing. What the heck, maybe even hit up the dispensary on the way home (if they live in one of those states). After all, what better way to relax than to sit back and take a few deep breaths.

Retirement is the time to focus on the good, to commemorate all of the positive achievements the retiree has contributed over the past decades. This beautifully designed retirement plaque is a reminder of exactly how long they’ve been hanging around the old joint, and a thoughtful nod to all of the happiness they’ve left behind. And not a single mention of any questionable decision making, public blunders, or lingering harassment claims. Nothing but good vibes.


How to Pick the Right Retirement Gifts

Buying great retirement gifts for your boss, coworker, mentor, friend, or family member doesn’t have to be a chore. The best way to delight someone who’s about to embark on the grand adventure of retirement is to pick a gift that shows how much you appreciate all the hard work they put in, and that shows some thoughtfulness too.

Retirement signals a massive life change, and different people react to it in different ways. Choosing a meaningful retirement gift is all about showing that you cared enough to buy something that will make their life better after work.

But we know it can be hard. So if you’re trying to come up with personalized retirement gift ideas and you find yourself stumped, check out the lists we’ve put together below. You’ll surely find something that does the trick.

Sentimental Retired Man

Sentimental Retirement Gifts

Sentimental items can make meaningful gifts if you pull them off the right way. That doesn’t mean you have to try and make them cry, thought that might be fun too. Just dig in to this list and pull out a big ol’ handful of “Aw, shucks.”

Retirement Gifts To Keep Them Busy

Retirement Gifts to Keep Them Busy

After being told what to do for years and years, retirement can be disorienting. Help them find their bearings again with these unique gift ideas perfect for retiring men or women.

Retired Man Laughing

Funny Retirement Gifts

Funny gifts are a great choice for that coworker you shared a few guffaws with over the years. They also make great parting gifts for the boss you banged heads with, just to show there’s no hard feelings (now that you won’t have to look at their stupid face anymore). It’s always better to go out with a laugh, so have at ‘er.

Retired Men Relaxing

Travel & Relaxation Gifts

Retirement is a great time to do all the things they wanted to do for the last several decades but couldn’t because they were shackled by the loving arms of capitalism. Here is a quick list of gifts that will help them undo a lifetime of stress and responsibility.

Retirement Gifts: Related Categories