Retirement is a momentous occasion that marks the turning point from, “Jesus, I can’t believe I have to do this another day,” to “Holy Christ, what the hell am I going to do with all this time?” A major milestone indeed. And whether it’s goodbye or good riddance, you’re sure to have some feelings about losing that coworker to the great hereafter. Whether you’d like to give them something useful, something sentimental, or a gag gift to subtly taunt them about their advancing age, you can find your retirement gift muse lurking somewhere on this page.
When you are retired, time doesn’t mean quite the same thing anymore. The day clock will tell you what day of the week it is (they all blend together), and it will give you a vague sense of what time it might be (which, let’s be honest here, is all you really need). What it won’t tell you is what the exact time is (let the working stiffs worry about that).
Photo Signed By Colleagues
Assuming it is possible for everyone else to swallow their jealousy long enough to write something nice, a signature frame is probably the most meaningful retirement gift a person could receive. This is also assuming the person retiring wasn’t a huge jerk their entire career.
Time Cards Activity Set
Everybody knows that when the time comes, you don’t just leave the prison, you burn it to the ground. Since following that tradition to the letter is actually very illegal, it’s probably better to do it symbolically. The equipment is cheap, but the emotional payoff of this retirement gift is priceless.
Have Coworkers Fill Out A Day Planner
It can be overwhelming, after years of keeping a strict schedule, to suddenly have to manage your own time. Give a new retiree the gift of structure by having their coworkers fill their schedule for them. It will be nice to have a slew of activities to fill their suddenly voluminous free time, but the best part may be the satisfaction of blowing off people who have been annoying the crap out of them for years.
Lottery Ticket Bouquet
When you are on a fixed income, any extra bit of money helps. That’s why making a lovely bouquet of (potential) extra money is such a fun idea. Why not just give cash, you may be asking? Here’s a reason: if they win, they might share with you, but they’re definitely not going to share the cash you just gave them.
Funny Retirement Business Cards
The great thing about retirement is that you can finally say whatever the hell you want, because you’re no longer bound by the normal financial and social rules. If you put it on a business card, they can say it without even having to open their mouths. Help make retirement a time of great relaxation and catharsis.
Hilton Hotel Gift Card
Now that all that work is finally done, they’ll have plenty of time on their hands. What better way to spend it than getting out and seeing the country? What better way to get them out of your hair for a few days? But seriously, you do want their experience to be as enjoyable as possible, of course. When traveling, some people really like an element of predictability to anchor their experience in an unfamiliar place. With a recognizable name like Hilton, you know exactly what to expect. Unfortunately, that name and that predictability come at a premium. You can help take the sting out of a vacation’s most expensive element by picking up the tab ahead of time.
Frozen Cocktail Machine
Let’s be honest, this is what they’ve been working towards: margaritas at 10 in the morning. Or whenever. And nobody wants the hassle of having to clean yesterday’s fiber pulp out of the blender or remember a recipe just to enjoy what they’ve earned. A dedicated frozen cocktail machine is the only sensible answer. The taste of paradise on command whether they live in the tropics or in a trailer park in Idaho.
101 Fun Things to do in Retirement
Making it to retirement can sometimes be like getting to a vacation destination after an interminably long drive only to realize you don’t know why the hell you came. Help them begin their golden years with a good laugh and a head full of questionable but outrageously fun ideas. At last, they’re freed from the shackles of gainful employment. Now is the time to let it rip.
Necktie Shredding Kit
Neckties are the corsets of the corporate world. But instead of making you look sexy it just feels like you’re being strangled by a very weak person. After this goes on for decades at a time, it’s understandable that some hostility might build up, even if that daily strangler was placed there time and again by one’s own hand. Emotional projection can be a healthy retirement gift.
Bucket List Bucket
In case you’ve been living in one, a bucket list is the list of all the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. And what better place to place your bucket list than in a bucket?
There is no greater symbol of no-frills comfort than the classic hammock. They’re too old now to be confined to the standard furniture used by the sheeple who still wake up every morning to go to work. This retirement gift is the epitome of primal luxury.
Box of Small Gifts – 1 For Every Year Of Work
Giving just one gift is boring! Instead, how about giving a whole boxful of them? Give a small gift for every year your retiree worked, and make it seem like it was all worthwhile. Sure, it takes a little more thought, but the thought is what counts anyway.
Retired people love to travel, and they love it even more if they get to do it with someone they love. So plan a trip and bring them along! You get to decide where to go and what to do, while they can do what retired people do best: RELAX.
Get Something From Work Bronzed
Not everybody on the brink of retirement is looking to cut the cord altogether. It’s nice to have a little reminder of the place they gave some of their best years to, even if it’s only in the form of a small trinket. Sort of like the way that poison in small doses can be healthy.
Crowd Gifting: Raise Money From Friends And Family
If our digitally interconnected world is good for one thing, it’s raising other people’s money. In the age of Facebook, Patreon, and Kickstarter, nobody has to go it alone anymore. They might have a nice nest egg already, but why not sweeten the pot a little? With PlumFund you can raise money for a retirement gift so you can keep more of your own.
Personalized Travel Map
The world is a huge place, and it can be hard to keep track of where you have been and where you still want to go. This personalized travel map comes complete with color-coded flags and pins to help with that. It’s the perfect decoration to hang in the RV.
Affordable House and Tin Cup
It’s never too late to learn new tricks. The great American safety net isn’t quite what it was cracked up to be, and retirees get to learn that when the social security checks come rolling in. But don’t feel sorry for them. Hobos have been getting by on far less for as long as anyone can remember. Time to put together a nice starter kit.
AirBNB Gift Card
Standard hotels are convenient and something of a social institution, but when it comes down to it they’re all the same, except that in the cheaper ones the desk clerks are a little creepier and the maids are drunker. Airbnb takes the predictability out of travel lodging and replaces it with an endless variety of unique experiences. For retired people who appreciate the human touch.
Custom Retirement Wine Labels
It’s been proven that a bottle of wine tastes a lot better once you don’t have to worry about the hangover. For decades, bizarre responsibilities like work and family have cut into their drinking time. That’s all over now, as they’ve entered the glorious don’t give a f*ck stage of life. It would be a shame if their retirement gifts didn’t reflect this.
Retirement Questions Everyone Should Ask
So, yes, we agree that this informative book might make more sense as a ten-years-until-retirement gift, but there is still plenty of good stuff in here that will come in handy even for someone who has already retired. Better late than never we say!
Map of Florida
Now that retirement is upon them, they probably talk a lot about the far-flung places they’re going to visit. There are whole continents to be explored, and the other side of the world is just a plane ticket away. Just smile and nod. We all know where they’re going to end up. Just make sure they don’t get lost.
Funny Retirement T-shirt
It took years of hard work to reach this point. Or, more likely, years of pretending to work hard. When someone finishes a marathon, they get all kinds of swag to prove they made it from start to finish, and that’s only a few hours of discomfort. We’re talking about decades of stress, annoyance, and repressed murderous impulses here. They’ve earned the right to wear their journey for everyone to see.
Entering retirement means living on a fixed income, which means what they really want for a retirement gift is money. However, money is not the world’s most creative gift so you may want to present it in a creative way. If you’ve ever tried to hand someone a fistful of wadded bills as a gift, you know that doesn’t always go over so well. If you’ve got an artistic hand (or access to YouTube), you can make those bills into something that passes for more than a simple monetary transaction.
Make no bones about it: it’s over. That’s a doorway they’re never going to walk back through again. And life is so much sweeter on the other side, something that they can remind themselves of with every bite. Time to stick a fork in that old job.
An enduring American symbol of freedom and self-determination. Like a bald eagle with wheels. Now that retirement is upon them, the known world is home. All that’s left is to go out and show everyone who owns it, just like they’ve always said they would.
Retirement Fishing Lure
The long corporate haul is over, and it’s time to yell it from the mountain tops and go tell it to the fishes. Fishing is a celebration of leisure and recreation, and retirement is where those two things are meant to reach their apex. Here’s a retirement gift that will help them reel in the golden years in style.
Without a boss to “inspire” them to move their ass everyday, the risk of becoming catastrophically sedentary increases with every passing year. They don’t need to train like they’re gearing up for Mr. Olympia or Miss Universe, but it would be a good idea to get off their keester every once in a while. They’ll enjoy their afternoon gin and tonic and their Matlock reruns a lot more when they feel like they’ve earned it.
Movie Theatre Gift Card
Freedom from unwanted responsibility is great, but the truth is that feeding ducks gets old after a while, even if you really like ducks. Movies take a lot longer to get old, but they’re not cheap. A little head start would certainly be appreciated.
The practice of cultivating bonsai trees has been refined over the centuries into a special art in Japan, one that is heavy with symbolism relating to balance, harmony, and the different stages of life. Who knows if they’re going to care about all that. It sure beats another spider plant.
The only to-do list that helps to complete itself, this fun pillow is the essence of retired life. It is unclear why the back side of this plush novelty is made to resemble old concrete. Perhaps the answer will come in a dream.
Blue Apron Subscription
Now that they’ve got a little more time on their hands, they can master that whole cooking thing. Of course, that doesn’t mean they have to do it all on their own. A Blue Apron subscription means the right ingredients get delivered straight to their door, so they can set about making meals that would impress a chef, even if the only chef they know is Boyardee.
Never-Ending Congratulations Card
Congratulate your retiree for hours at a time with this musical greeting card. Once the music starts playing it keeps playing for three hours whether the card is open, closed, or in the trash can.
Never Have I Ever Game
Turn a retirement party into a college drinking game with Never Have I Ever. Find out everything they didn’t have time to do while working all those years, and get hammered while doing it. Hangovers aren’t half as bad when there’s no work to go to in the morning.
Give the gift of beauty with a piece of original artwork from Artsy. These are not prints. This is the real thing, suitable for mature adults with refined tastes, like a retired person is supposed to have. Of course, some of the stuff here maybe isn’t all that refined, but at least it is original.
Melting Time Clock
Being home all day with nothing to do can be a surreal experience for someone who has spent the last 40+ years in the workforce, which makes this Salvador Dalí inspired melting clock the perfect way to mark the persistence of wasting time.
Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals
What a way to walk off into the sunset! These fashionable flip-flops allow the new retiree to leave a trail of words like breadcrumbs down the beach beckoning one and all to follow along and bring some suds to share.
Good Bye Tension, Hello Pension
People still get pensions? Retirement is the BEST. Give the gift of smug satisfaction with one of these novelty mugs and glasses that tells the world your favorite retiree is kicking back, forgetting about all the stress, and still getting paid every month.
Bobbleheads were cool at sometime in the past, apparently, but not anymore. We realize this. But consider that the same is probably true for a person just entering retirement. Cool a long time ago, now not so much. Well the gift should match the recipient, right? It just makes sense.
Custom Retirement Award
Just because the company didn’t give the retiree in your life an award does not mean they didn’t deserve one. Class up the place with a cut crystal eagle or a rosewood plaque. It’s the perfect thing for them to put in their home office while they stare vacantly at the wall.
Unforgettable Senior Moments
Make them feel better about their slow slide into dementia with this compilation of some of the funniest mental lapses in history. They might not remember to thank you for this gift, but they will at least laugh out loud. If they can remember where they put it.
Letter Of Appreciation From Former Presidents
If you know someone retiring with 30 or more years of service to the federal government, civilian or military, perhaps a letter from a President of the United States is in order. Have their favorite leader commemorate their retirement with this one of a kind gift.
You’re Only Old Once
Dr. Seuss isn’t just for kids, you know. He wrote books for people of all ages, even the ones who are at retirement age. This hilarious and insightful gift will be a pleasant surprise for any loved one entering their golden years who loves to laugh and remembers being young.
Cruel Fake Money Joke
Give the gift of fat stacks of cash with this genuine bundle or real fake US currency. This prop money looks good enough to fool even the most discerning filmgoer, and makes a fun gift for a retiree who is about to discover life on a fixed income.
Day to day life can get a little lonely for some retirees who are used to interacting with lots of people in the workplace. Why not give them a new friend to talk to? Alexa will never grow tired of their conversations and is always willing to endure their pointless anecdotes.
It can be dicey to rely on your 401k or social security check these days. Better fortify them right off the bat with a little old fashioned green paper money. It may not grow on trees, but you sure as hell can put it there yourself. They’re not going to give a damn, as long as they’re the ones doing the pickin’.
Harry & David Gift Basket
Once retirement hits, you’ve really got nobody left to impress. This is the time for them to do whatever the hell they feel like, all day every day. That includes eating what they really want to eat. When you retire, so do the food police. And trust us, these baskets are full of what they really want to eat.
The ice treatment isn’t just for dead people anymore. Besides, we think gifts for dead people are creepy – that’s why you won’t find a “gifts for dead people” category on this site. But it turns out that freezing living people is really good for them, boosting immunity, alleviating aches and pains, and so on. The coolest retirement gift you’ll ever find.
People have gotten smarter about traveling, but for the most part their luggage has remained stone dumb. Now that they’re retired, there’s plenty of time for globetrotting and whatnot, so why not make sure they have an intelligent companion? This modern retirement gift does all kinds of things that will make their life easier and more worry-free.
Wine Making Kit
The beginning of retirement is like a starter pistol that tells you to booze it up. There’s really no reason to be sober anymore. The problem is that kind of drinking gets expensive. Time to become the first-world old folks version of the subsistence farmer: the artisan drinker.
Golf Club Urinal
Here are two things we know about old retired men: (1) They like to play golf. 2) They have to pee a lot more often than younger folk. The golf club urinal solves the second thing so they can focus on the first. It even comes with a towel so nobody gets arrested.
Emoji Golf Balls
Newly retired people are probably not up on the all the latest emoji, but they do have plenty of time for golf. These practice balls are a way to give the retiree in your life a way to use emoji without making you cringe. Fore!