Retirement is a momentous occasion that marks the turning point from, “Jesus, I can’t believe I have to do this another day,” to “Holy Christ, what the hell am I going to do with all this time?” A major milestone indeed. And whether it’s goodbye or good riddance, you’re sure to have some feelings about losing that coworker to the great hereafter. Whether you’d like to give them something useful, something sentimental, or a gag gift to subtly taunt them about their advancing age, you can find your retirement gift muse lurking somewhere on this page.

Day Clock
Day Clock

When you are retired, time doesn’t mean quite the same thing anymore. The day clock will tell you what day of the week it is (they all blend together), and it will give you a vague sense of what time it might be (which, let’s be honest here, is all you really need). What it won’t tell you is what the exact time is (let the working stiffs worry about that).

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Photo Signed By Colleagues

Assuming it is possible for everyone else to swallow their jealousy long enough to write something nice, a signature frame is probably the most meaningful retirement gift a person could receive. This is also assuming the person retiring wasn’t a huge jerk their entire career.

successories.com
Lottery Ticket Bouquet
Lottery Ticket Bouquet

When you are on a fixed income, any extra bit of money helps. That’s why making a lovely bouquet of (potential) extra money is such a fun idea. Why not just give cash, you may be asking? Here’s a reason: if they win, they might share with you, but they’re definitely not going to share the cash you just gave them.

emoji golf balls
Emoji Golf Balls

Newly retired people are probably not up on the all the latest emoji, but they do have plenty of time for golf. These practice balls are a way to give the retiree in your life a way to use emoji without making you cringe. Fore!

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250 Retirement Questions Everyone Should Ask
Retirement Questions Everyone Should Ask

So, yes, we agree that this informative book might make more sense as a ten-years-until-retirement gift, but there is still plenty of good stuff in here that will come in handy even for someone who has already retired. Better late than never we say!

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Personalized Travel Map
Personalized Travel Map

The world is a huge place, and it can be hard to keep track of where you have been and where you still want to go. This personalized travel map comes complete with color-coded flags and pins to help with that. It’s the perfect decoration to hang in the RV.

Hammacher.com
Custom Bobblehead
Custom Bobblehead

Bobbleheads were cool at sometime in the past, apparently, but not anymore. We realize this. But consider that the same is probably true for a person just entering retirement. Cool a long time ago, now not so much. Well the gift should match the recipient, right? It just makes sense.

bobbleheads.com
Bucket List Bucket

In case you’ve been living in one, a bucket list is the list of all the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. And what better place to place your bucket list than in a bucket?

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small gifts
Box of Small Gifts – 1 For Every Year Of Work

Giving just one gift is boring! Instead, how about giving a whole boxful of them? Give a small gift for every year your retiree worked, and make it seem like it was all worthwhile. Sure, it takes a little more thought, but the thought is what counts anyway.

xbox gift card
Xbox Gift Card

Just because someone is old enough to retire doesn’t mean they don’t want to blast aliens. Why not give them a way to put all their extra time to waste? If Xbox isn’t their thing, PlayStation sells gift cards too. Heck, they’ll probably get both systems anyway.

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travel plans
Travel Plans

Retired people love to travel, and they love it even more if they get to do it with someone they love. So plan a trip and bring them along! You get to decide where to go and what to do, while they can do what retired people do best: RELAX.

Expedia.com
Good Bye Tension, Hello Pension
Good Bye Tension, Hello Pension

People still get pensions? Retirement is the BEST. Give the gift of smug satisfaction with one of these novelty mugs and glasses that tells the world your favorite retiree is kicking back, forgetting about all the stress, and still getting paid every month.

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Napping Pillow
Napping Pillow

The only to-do list that helps to complete itself, this fun pillow is the essence of retired life. It is unclear why the back side of this plush novelty is made to resemble old concrete. Perhaps the answer will come in a dream.

zazzle.com
Never-Ending Congratulations Card
Never-Ending Congratulations Card

Congratulate your retiree for hours at a time with this musical greeting card. Once the music starts playing it keeps playing for three hours whether the card is open, closed, or in the trash can.

ThinkGeek.com
Never Have I Ever Game
Never Have I Ever Game

Turn a retirement party into a college drinking game with Never Have I Ever. Find out everything they didn’t have time to do while working all those years, and get hammered while doing it. Hangovers aren’t half as bad when there’s no work to go to in the morning.

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art
Original Artwork

Give the gift of beauty with a piece of original artwork from Artsy. These are not prints. This is the real thing, suitable for mature adults with refined tastes, like a retired person is supposed to have. Of course, some of the stuff here maybe isn’t all that refined, but at least it is original.

Artsy.com
Melting Time Clock
Melting Time Clock

Being home all day with nothing to do can be a surreal experience for someone who has spent the last 40+ years in the workforce, which makes this Salvador Dalí inspired melting clock the perfect way to mark the persistence of wasting time.

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Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals
Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals

What a way to walk off into the sunset! These fashionable flip-flops allow the new retiree to leave a trail of words like breadcrumbs down the beach beckoning one and all to follow along and bring some suds to share.

flipsidez.com
Golf Club You Can Pee In
Golf Club Urinal

Here are two things we know about old retired men: (1) They like to play golf. 2) They have to pee a lot more often than younger folk. The golf club urinal solves the second thing so they can focus on the first. It even comes with a towel so nobody gets arrested.

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Custom Retirement Award
Custom Retirement Award

Just because the company didn’t give the retiree in your life an award does not mean they didn’t deserve one. Class up the place with a cut crystal eagle or a rosewood plaque. It’s the perfect thing for them to put in their home office while they stare vacantly at the wall.

edco.com
Unforgettable Senior Moments
Unforgettable Senior Moments

Make them feel better about their slow slide into dementia with this compilation of some of the funniest mental lapses in history. They might not remember to thank you for this gift, but they will at least laugh out loud. If they can remember where they put it.

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Letter Of Appreciation From Former Presidents
Letter Of Appreciation From Former Presidents

If you know someone retiring with 30 or more years of service to the federal government, civilian or military, perhaps a letter from a President of the United States is in order. Have their favorite leader commemorate their retirement with this one of a kind gift.

federalretirement.net
You're Only Old Once
You’re Only Old Once

Dr. Seuss isn’t just for kids, you know. He wrote books for people of all ages, even the ones who are at retirement age. This hilarious and insightful gift will be a pleasant surprise for any loved one entering their golden years who loves to laugh and remembers being young.

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prop money stack
Cruel Fake Money Joke

Give the gift of fat stacks of cash with this genuine bundle or real fake US currency. This prop money looks good enough to fool even the most discerning filmgoer, and makes a fun gift for a retiree who is about to discover life on a fixed income.

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air bnb gift card
AirBNB Gift Card

Standard hotels are convenient and something of a social institution, but when it comes down to it they’re all the same, except that in the cheaper ones the desk clerks are a little creepier and the maids are drunker. Airbnb takes the predictability out of travel lodging and replaces it with an endless variety of unique experiences. For retired people who appreciate the human touch.

Airbnb.com
hilton gift card
Hilton Hotel Gift Card

Now that all that work is finally done, they’ll have plenty of time on their hands. What better way to spend it than getting out and seeing the country? What better way to get them out of your hair for a few days? But seriously, you do want their experience to be as enjoyable as possible, of course. When traveling, some people really like an element of predictability to anchor their experience in an unfamiliar place. With a recognizable name like Hilton, you know exactly what to expect. Unfortunately, that name and that predictability come at a premium. You can help take the sting out of a vacation’s most expensive element by picking up the tab ahead of time.

Hilton.com
Amazon Echo
Amazon Echo

Day to day life can get a little lonely for some retirees who are used to interacting with lots of people in the workplace. Why not give them a new friend to talk to? Alexa will never grow tired of their conversations and is always willing to endure their pointless anecdotes.

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fun things retirement book gift
101 Fun Things to do in Retirement

Making it to retirement can sometimes be like getting to a vacation destination after an interminably long drive only to realize you don’t know why the hell you came. Help them begin their golden years with a good laugh and a head full of questionable but outrageously fun ideas. At last, they’re freed from the shackles of gainful employment. Now is the time to let it rip.

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frozen cocktail machine gift
Frozen Cocktail Machine

Let’s be honest, this is what they’ve been working towards: margaritas at 10 in the morning. Or whenever. And nobody wants the hassle of having to clean yesterday’s fiber pulp out of the blender or remember a recipe just to enjoy what they’ve earned. A dedicated frozen cocktail machine is the only sensible answer. The taste of paradise on command whether they live in the tropics or in a trailer park in Idaho.

Amazon.com
money tree gift
Money Tree

It can be dicey to rely on your 401k or social security check these days. Better fortify them right off the bat with a little old fashioned green paper money. It may not grow on trees, but you sure as hell can put it there yourself. They’re not going to give a damn, as long as they’re the ones doing the pickin’.

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funny retirement business card gift
Funny Retirement Business Cards

The great thing about retirement is that you can finally say whatever the hell you want, because you’re no longer bound by the normal financial and social rules. If you put it on a business card, they can say it without even having to open their mouths. Help make retirement a time of great relaxation and catharsis.

PsPrint.com
Harry & David Gift Basket
Harry & David Gift Basket

Once retirement hits, you’ve really got nobody left to impress. This is the time for them to do whatever the hell they feel like, all day every day. That includes eating what they really want to eat. When you retire, so do the food police. And trust us, these baskets are full of what they really want to eat.

harryanddavid.com
Cryotherapy Session
Cryotherapy Session

The ice treatment isn’t just for dead people anymore. Besides, we think gifts for dead people are creepy – that’s why you won’t find a “gifts for dead people” category on this site. But it turns out that freezing living people is really good for them, boosting immunity, alleviating aches and pains, and so on. The coolest retirement gift you’ll ever find.

Smart Luggage
Smart Luggage

People have gotten smarter about traveling, but for the most part their luggage has remained stone dumb. Now that they’re retired, there’s plenty of time for globetrotting and whatnot, so why not make sure they have an intelligent companion? This modern retirement gift does all kinds of things that will make their life easier and more worry-free.

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money-bouquet
Money Bouquet

Entering retirement means living on a fixed income, which means what they really want for a retirement gift is money. However, money is not the world’s most creative gift so you may want to present it in a creative way. If you’ve ever tried to hand someone a fistful of wadded bills as a gift, you know that doesn’t always go over so well. If you’ve got an artistic hand (or access to YouTube), you can make those bills into something that passes for more than a simple monetary transaction.

Instructables.com
Hammock
Hammock

There is no greater symbol of no-frills comfort than the classic hammock. They’re too old now to be confined to the standard furniture used by the sheeple who still wake up every morning to go to work. This retirement gift is the epitome of primal luxury.

Amazon.com
Wine Making Kit
Wine Making Kit

The beginning of retirement is like a starter pistol that tells you to booze it up. There’s really no reason to be sober anymore. The problem is that kind of drinking gets expensive. Time to become the first-world old folks version of the subsistence farmer: the artisan drinker.

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