Few events have the potential to inspire as much existential angst as the 30th birthday. But that’s no reason not to celebrate. Reaching 30 only means they’re finally leaving that haphazard, ever-dangerous, dizzying phase of pretend adulthood. Now it’s for real. Welcome them over to the dark side the right way.

Life Hacks
Life Hacks

A thirty year-old should have learned a thing or two about how to do stuff the best, cleverest, or most efficient ways, but some people aren’t as quick on the uptake as others. For them, there’s this book. They can learn all the tips and tricks their quicker cohorts have figured out for themselves.

Amazon.com
custom photo book
Custom Printed Birthday Book

It’s not always good news when someone says they made you a book. It can be wonderful, of course, but things can get pretty cringe-worthy pretty quickly as the recipient pages through it with growing embarrassment for the both themselves and the giver. So take your time and do a good job with this, OK? Don’t make it weird.

shutterfly.com
30 year old booze
30 Year Old Booze

30 is not too old to get hammered once in awhile, but it is too old to get hammered drinking inferior booze. Get their sophisticated adult drinking life started right with a bottle of top shelf liquor that has been aging for as long as they’ve been breathing. They’ll see the light.

Fitbit
Fitbit

Help the 30-year-old in your life focus more on their health…or at least tell people they do. “Yes, I only need 200 more steps before I reach my goal. Oh, you don’t keep track—yeah, I used to be like that, but now I know better.” Just make sure to shove plenty of candies in their direction, or they’ll flip their health speech on to you.

Amazon.com
small gifts
30 Small Gifts

Any schmuck can find one, big, perfect 30th birthday gift. That’s easy. What’s tough is finding thirty small, but no less perfect gifts, all individually wrapped and each one better than the last. You probably aren’t up for the challenge, though, you’ll probably take the easy way out and just get one gift. Oh well.

Foodie Dice
Foodie Dice

Most people would buy these to experiment with cooking, but any cooking is good if it’s free and it’s for you. Use this gift as an excuse to mooch off the 30-year-old in your life. “Have you tried my gift yet? Why don’t I come over and we can use it together?” Using that excuse too much can be dicey though and it may end up with your friend purposefully cooking questionable cuisine.

Amazon.com
Stockpile Stock Gift Cards
Stock Gift Cards

If the thirtieth birthday is a time to take stock of one’s financial health, why not make the stock-taking literal as well as figurative? With a gift of stock, you can set someone on a path of investment that can make all the difference when they want to retire a lifetime from now.

StockPile.com
1 year amazon prime membership
1 Year Of Amazon Prime

We think the word is out on how great an Amazon Prime membership is. The free shipping on millions of products? That giant video library? Sign us up! No, seriously, sign us up. Please? And you should sign someone you love up as a 30th birthday gift too while you’re at it.

Amazon.com
Costco Membership
Costco Membership

There comes a time in every young person’s life when they realize that they are more excited about getting a great deal on a jumbo pack of toilet paper than they are about getting tickets to an upcoming music festival. That time usually comes right around their 30th birthday.

Costco.com
PancakeBot
PancakeBot

Some people might ask if anyone really wants to have a special piece of kitchen equipment just to make weirdly shaped pancakes. To those people we say this: How do you explain the existence of waffle irons? Aren’t waffles just pancakes with a shape, basically? Rhetorical question. No emails please.

Amazon.com
The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You
Things That Might Kill You

Does your friend still seem to think they’re invincible even as their 30th birthday approaches? Give them the gift of a creeping sense of their own mortality with this book that can trigger existential crisis and gales of laughter in equal measure.

Amazon.com
First Edition Of Favorite Book
First Edition Of Favorite Book

It doesn’t have to be a first edition. Maybe a special edition, or a signed version. The point is that you know enough about them to know what book would be special enough to give them on their 30th birthday.

abebooks.com
Smart Luggage
Smart Luggage

We love that it has the GPS tracking, the built in scale, the 3G connectivity, and the TSA-approved remote lock, but the thing that makes this a perfect gift for a jet-setting 30 year-old’s birthday gift is that it has a built in battery that can can recharge a cell phone up to six times.

Amazon.com
Wine Making Kit
Wine Making Kit

This is a great gift to give to someone who gets invited to a lot of Christmas parties, as it will save them the hassle of trying to pick out the best White Elephant gift to bring to the inevitable exchange. Oh, they’ll be excited to make wine when you first give it to them, but let’s be honest here, nobody will ever actually use this.

Amazon.com
3D Printer
3D Printer

Giving someone a 3D printer makes giving a gift made out of plastic the equivalent of giving someone a fish instead of teaching them how to fish for themselves. Rather than buying all their plastic trinkets, they will instead print up whatever they need. It will be like metaphorically owning a pond.

Amazon.com
Lottery Ticket Bouquet
Lottery Ticket Bouquet

This birthday, why not give them a bouquet of something they actually want – like the chance to win the lottery and retire early to travel the world in a super yacht! Plus, if they win, they’re sure to share their millions with you, right? Right?? Jon, can you hear me, you seem to be sailing in the other direction…?

AAA membership
AAA membership

Breaking down and having to call your dad for help is bad enough at 16 – by 30, you’ve outgrown that drama. The gift of an AAA Membership will mean they don’t even need to admit they had an auto-related problem – allowing them to retain the aura of cool, calm and collected adult, who has their s**t together. Ha!

AAA.com
Blue Apron Subscription
Blue Apron Subscription

They may be the world record holder for moo goo gai pan take-out orders, but that doesn’t mean they can’t apply that same ambition to a more progressive enterprise on the culinary scene. These boxed meals feature fresh, nutritious ingredients that will inspire healthier eating and put a lid on that MSG consumption. Award their starved taste buds and support responsible land stewardship while you’re at it!

BlueApron.com
Virtual Reality Headset
Virtual Reality Headset

Well, they’ve spent 30 years in this reality, they’ve probably had enough – we didn’t invent a whole new one for no reason. Give them a virtual reality headset and allow them to come face to face with dinosaurs, dance on the moon, meet their idol… you’ll probably never see them in the real world again.

Amazon.com
Indoor Smart Herb Garden
Indoor Smart Herb Garden

Legal in all 50 states, this herb garden smokes the competition! The aroma of fresh herbs will bring serenity and well-being to their home and some much needed flavor to their cooking. Rosemary, thyme, dill, sage, oregano, the options are limitless! Green thumbs not required for this low-maintenance nursery. Sprigs of yummy goodness direct from Mother Nature.

Amazon.com
Solar Cooker
Solar Cooker

Why are they still struggling to light a charcoal fire when there’s a 90 billion megaton flaming ball hanging above us? Help them learn to be more resourceful with this reflective solar cooker, then let daylight do the rest. Does NOT double as a tanning device.

Amazon.com
Molecular Gastronomy kit
Molecular Gastronomy Kit

Years ago, we were all told not to play with our food. Now the highest paid, most famous chefs in the world are doing just that, and nobody thinks to slap the gelified calcium chloride out of their hands. This is the food the Jetsons would have been eating if they were more sophisticated.

Amazon.com
Bluetooth Food Freshness and Safety Detector
Food Freshness Detector

For the person who still hasn’t found that special someone and is living alone, figuring out if food from the back of the fridge is still OK to eat without someone to answer when they ask, “Honey, does this smell off to you?” can be a challenge, so this gift will be well appreciated.

SharperImage.com
10950 days old mug
10,950 Days Old Mug

Five digits, yo. Now we’re talking! The last big milestone, get-a-mug-as-a-gift type birthday was still in the four digits range (a quarter century is only 9,125 days, after all). Thirty years old is the big leagues. Also, nobody in their twenties wants a coffee mug for a birthday gift anyway.

personalcreations.com
Time Capsule
Time Capsule

We love this gift idea for the person turning 30 who has put down some roots and is planning to stay put for a while. Fill it with anything – pictures, words, a bottle of something, whatever – and bury it together in a place they’ll be in 30 more years. It will be an even better gift the year you dig it back up together.

Amazon.com
Gold Or Silver Coins
Gold Or Silver Coins

We’re not saying you should buy someone a South African Gold Krugerrand for 1300 bucks or whatever it is – though that would be an incredible 30th birthday gift, holy crap – just that precious metal coins are fun to have. You can get an American Silver Eagle for like $20, and it’s almost as cool.

jmbullion.com
23andme Genetic Testing Kit
Genetic Testing Kit

It’s amazing to think that the idea giving someone a kit to take a sample of their own DNA, that will then be sent off and analyzed, resulting in a detailed personalized genetic analysis, would have seemed like total science fiction just a few decades ago. But here we are.

23andme.com
travel plans
Travel Plans

Pack up your cares and woes, and head out into the wider world by making plans and delivering them to your favorite 30 year old as a present. Then jet, or drive, or cruise off into the sunset, leaving all your worries behind. The best part is that there’s to need to overthink the destination, just go anywhere. It’ll be great.

Expedia.com
Beginner’s Guide To Investing
Beginner’s Guide To Investing

There are a lot of people at this age who are just starting to make a little money but who went to school for things that have nothing to do with business or money management. Give someone like that this book, which will bring them up to speed on how to smartly invest their new wealth.

Amazon.com
extreme sandbox
Play With Heavy Equipment at Extreme Sandbox

If they are not living out their childhood sandbox dreams of operating a bulldozer or a backhoe at this age, chances are it’s not going to happen. Tough luck, kid. At least you can let them live that dream for a day by buying them a trip to Extreme Sandbox.

extremesandbox.com
Sous Vide Cooker
Sous Vide Cooker

Thirty is exactly the sort of age where a person finds themselves wanting to go the extra mile to impress a special dinner guest with their cooking skills. Help them have all the right kitchen moves by giving them a the means to make their cooking outrageously tender and juicy.

Amazon.com
Countertop Snow Cone Machine
Countertop Snow Cone Machine

You might remember that snow cone maker from when you were a kid with the crank and Snoopy on top. It was disappointing; it was hard to turn and it made tiny snow cones. This thing, though. This makes real deal snow cones and uses electricity. This is not for kids.

Hammacher.com
The Big Top Calliope
The Big Top Calliope

We shouldn’t have to even sell you on this. If you can afford to give someone a The Big Top Calliope for their birthday, and they can afford to have one, and would actually want one (this is key), then it really makes no sense that you haven’t already bought this by the time you get to the end of this sentence.

Hammacher.com
Grow the F*ck Up
Grow the F*ck Up

Somebody’s got to say it. We all know the one whose 30th birthday is looming right on the horizon, but who for whatever reason refuses completely to get their sh*t in order and start behaving like a grown-*ss adult. You just want to tell them to Grow the F*ck up! Well that’s the title of this book.

Amazon.com
Brain Controlled Helicopter
Brain Controlled Helicopter

You’d think we would recommend this gift for people who are brainy, but you’d be wrong. No, we worry that a smart enough person could turn one of these mind-controlled helicopters into a swarm of mind-controlled helicopters. Give this to someone unlikely to set their sights on world domination.

Amazon.com
Portable Air Pollution Monitor
Air Pollution Monitor

Even if you know they’re just going be excited at first about using this to sniff their own flatulence, this Air Pollution Monitor will become a well used tool detecting the presence of CO, VOCs, and and other gas they might not like breathing. Which may include farts.

SharperImage.com
Tetris Stackable LED Desk Lamp
Tetris Stackable Desk Lamp

Tetris was released in 1984. Someone who is thirty years old has definitely wasted invested some time stacking these shapes, struggling to flip that L that never fits anywhere. Now they are the puppet masters in this real world version of the iconic game. Tetris suddenly got a whole lot easier.

ThinkGeek.com
360 Degree Mirror
360 Degree Mirror

Whether they’re shaving their face, doing their makeup, or styling their hair, they’ll wonder where this 360° Mirror has been all their life. They will feel like an all-seeing eye as they primp and preen in front of five folding panels that display their head from every angle.

SharperImage.com
Amazon Echo
Amazon Echo

You care about the 30-year-old in your life: that’s why you’re giving them an excuse to talk—or in some cases, yell—to themselves. “Alexa, stop music. I SAID STOP MUSIC.” When it’s working properly, it will be helpful though, which is why they’ll be sure to thank you—if the Amazon Echo understands to text you correctly.

Amazon.com
Backyard Zip Line Kit

Nothing says, “congratulations on getting older” like helping them relive childhood memories and wonder when they got too old for them. Questions like: “Was this always so fast?” and “Are we sure this is secure?” really help to put the 30-year-old in your life back in their place.

Hammacher.com
Biem Butter Sprayer
Biem Butter Sprayer

Most things are better with butter—just ask anyone in a movie theatre. What’s even better than just adding butter is using a spray and pretending they’re a graffiti artist or that they’re using spy equipment. Give the gift of going overboard with kitchen appliances, but don’t be surprised if your thank-you note is drenched in butter.

biemspray.com
portable generator
Portable Generator

Sure, we lived for hundreds of thousands of years without electricity, but that’s not the point. The next time they’re in the middle of baking a casserole and a squirrel falls in the wires at the power plant, don’t make them resort to eating lettuce and raw cookie dough for dinner.

Amazon.com
Loaded Toolbox
Loaded Toolbox

A loaded toolbox: helpful, considerate, and a great way of watching the 30-year-old in your life wonder what they’re going to do with three different sizes of wrenches. Bonus points if they don’t know what a tool is. Double bonus points if everyone else knows what the tool does except for them. Loaded toolboxes: a great way to be kind to your friend while being a tool all at the same time.

Amazon.com
Kindle
Kindle

Encouraging literacy, supporting authors…and watching as your friend helplessly pushes buttons hoping to open the application. Nothing says, “I care about you” quite like watching someone helplessly read through a manual. Hey, at least they’ll be reading something thanks to you.

Amazon.com
Air Swimmers Remote Control Flying Fish
Remote Control Flying Fish

Supporting technology and educating people about aerodynamics…and let’s be honest; the real reason to buy this is to obstruct people’s paths. “Oh, what’s that? You wanted to open the fridge? Well, Flounder here didn’t get them memo.” This gift’s also great for circling people, but be careful or their revenge might go just as swimmingly.

Amazon.com
Hershey’s Dual Single-Serve Ice Cream Machine
Single-Serve Ice Cream Machine

Let’s be real: you want an ice cream machine, but you don’t want to look like you eat enough ice cream to actually invest in a machine for yourself. We get it. Hopefully, the 30-year-old in your life will get it too, when you invite yourself over for ice cream — again.

SharperImage.com
old world globe bar
Old World Globe Bar

Geography’s great and drinks are better, but owning a secret compartment like an overdramatic super villain is the best. Give your friend an excuse—not that they need one—to practice their evil laugh as they talk about world domination while looking at a globe. Besides, if the villain act gets to be too much for you, at least you’ll have the bar to tide you over.

Amazon.com
Backpack Vacuum
Backpack Vacuum

Yes, a backpack vacuum keeps the house clean, but it also helps with pretending to be a Ghostbuster. Any excuse to sing a catchy theme song while cleaning is a good gift. While they ain’t afraid of no ghost, dust bunnies are a different story and they’ll definitely appreciate a gift to help fight them.

Hammacher.com
Virtual Reality Exercise Bike With Games
Virtual Reality Exercise Bike With Games

Exercise is great for everyone’s health, and what better way to promote a good lifestyle than scaring your friend into cycling for their life. Who needs a personal trainer when zombies are running after you? Even if they don’t exercise, this gift’s sure to increase their heart rate and they’ll thank you for it—assuming they live.

Amazon.com
Donut Pan
Donut Pan

Donut pans. Donuts…. All the time… At any time. Is there anything more to be said? It gives you a perfect excuse to hang out with them more and both go for the world record of obesity, and if that’s not “bonding” personified, then we don’t know what is.

Amazon.com
100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings
100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings

The keyword to pay attention to here is “appear”. You may not be able to help them actually be smart in meetings, but at least with these tricks they can look the part. Hopefully their coworkers and their boss haven’t read the book.

Amazon.com
Auto Survival Kit
Auto Survival Kit

Everyone should have a survival kit for their vehicle—not for safety, but because the people who own them are the only ones that survive the zombie apocalypse. How can they fend off a hoard of monsters without a knife? How can they disinfect zombie bites without medical supplies? It’s their job to protect you now, so they should know.

SharperImage.com
mBerry Tablets Alter Taste Perception
mBerry Tablets Alter Taste Perception

What better way to wish the 30-year-old in your life happy birthday than by making them your guinea pig? Simply give them these tablets and let the food tests begin! We’re talking vinegar, peppers, lemons, and any other food you’d like to see your friend eat.

Amazon.com
Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals
Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals

Help your friend stop wasting time talking when they could be drinking by getting them these sandals. Don’t forget to make fun of them for it: “Hey, look, I found you in flipflop form.” They’ll thank you for helping them make the process of getting beer more efficient — if they’re not wasted, that is.

flipsidez.com
Airplane Cocktail Kit
Airplane Cocktail Kit

Flying can be scary: the turbulence, the fact that their lives are dependent on a giant piece of metal they don’t understand, and worst of all, the chance they might end up sitting next to a baby. Help them make it through the experience with a Tom Collins, Bloody Mary, or Moscow Mule.

Amazon.com
Tabletop Fireplace
Tabletop Fireplace

Fire pits sure look inviting, but let’s face it, who wants to smell like charred charcoal and smoldering soot when they crawl into bed at night? Experience the beauty of fire with this classy, odor-free design that can complement any extracurricular activity or intimate affair. Toss the pokers and the bellows and clear the table … this stunning centerpiece is on fire!

Hammacher.com
Edible Legos

30 is the age some people settle down and start to have kids, so give the gift of a power play. “Kids, I told you if you don’t clean up your toys, you won’t get them back.” If the kids still don’t listen, they get to watch their parent eat edible LEGOs in front of them. While maintaining eye-contact. Life lessons and trauma in one perfect gift.

Amazon.com
First Aid Kit
First Aid Kit

You want your friend to be healthy and safe just in case…but, let’s be honest: you also want to tease them. Joking about needing bandages because they have to be careful in their “old age” or flu medicine for all your sick jokes. It’s sure to leave them in stitches—or you in need of a first aid kit—either way, it works.

Amazon.com
Scalp Massager
Scalp Massager

These might look like strange sea creatures or spindly metal spiders, but these spine-tingling scalp massagers will be adored by even your most arachnophobic friend. The perfect gift to take the stress out of their day – just make it clear from the offset that you won’t be the one operating it for them!

Amazon.com
The Man Bowl
The Man Bowl

Some people have man-caves, but not the 30-year-old in your life: oh no, they have a bowl. Bonus points if you fill it with traditionally feminine things like flowers or jewelry. Double bonus points if every birthday afterwards you give something to go along with it like a man spoon or a man cup. Hey, it’s not a man-cave, but at least it’s a start.

Amazon.com
Shoe Headlights
Shoe Headlights

Sure, they’re good for visibility and warning cars, but honestly: these things are like a disco on their feet. Give the 30-year-old in your life a chance to dance in their very own light show. Or, you know, give them these shoe headlights to keep them safe or whatever. But it’s totally for the light show.

Amazon.com
Compact Fire Extinguisher
Compact Fire Extinguisher

As considerate as this gift may appear, the real reason you’d get them a compact fire extinguisher is to make fun of them. “I’ve seen your cooking and thought I should bring this just in case.” They’ll probably laugh it off, but if the time ever comes when they need it, your “told you so” will burn more than the flames ever could.

Hammacher.com
Feisty Pets Plush
Feisty Pets Plush

Give your friend the gift of mild terror as they go from: “aww it’s an animal” to “AHH IT’S AN ANIMAL.” Plus, once the shock wears off, they’ll have a subtle and cuddly prank for other hopeful and naïve friends. Just be sure to carefully inspect any box they give you in the future, because this is kicking off a dangerous and horrifying prank war. Godspeed.

ThinkGeek.com
Roomba Vacuum Robot
Robot Vacuum

Introduce the 30-year-old in your life to their first robot in their soon-to-be robot empire. Give them control over a new form of technology and let them watch while it does their bidding—well, their vacuuming. Then as more birthdays are gained, they can slowly upgrade it to more nefarious – and helpful – tasks. Like fetching slippers.

Amazon.com
Rapid Egg Cooker
Rapid Egg Cooker

Know someone who just can’t stand waiting a few minutes for their eggs to cook? This gift’s great for hosting dinner parties, brunches, and most importantly, seeing how many eggs they can make in an hour. Careful though, once they realize this machine’s true potential, they may never stop inviting you to brunch. Welcome to the rest of your life: hope it’s EGGcellent.

Amazon.com
CIA Survival Training Courses
CIA Survival Training Courses

Celebrate another year of living by putting their life in jeopardy with a CIA Survival Training Course. Now, they can kick open doors while humming the Mission Impossible theme song and actually feel justified. That, and they’ll learn valuable survival skills—but come on: pretending to be Ethan Hunt.

spyescapeandevasion.com
Inflatable Heated Whirlpool Spa
Inflatable Heated Whirlpool Spa

Yes, you want the 30-year-old in your life to have a heated whirlpool, but more importantly, you want to have access to a whirlpool without having to maintain it. “What do you mean I can’t hang out in your whirlpool today? You wouldn’t have that if it weren’t for me.” That’ll put them in hot water or, preferably – put you in hot, bubbly water.

Hammacher.com
Electric Fondue Maker
Electric Fondue Maker

Fondue’s one of the classier cuisines and, as lovely as a fondue party sounds, the real reason anyone buys a fondue maker is to go overboard with food experiments. Give the 30-year-old in your life the gift of wondering: “Does this go with cheese?” Along with all the happiness— *cough* *cough* stomach aches—that follow.

Amazon.com
GoCubes Chewable Coffee
GoCubes Chewable Coffee

Drinking coffee is for amateurs: give the gift of intense doses of caffeine. Help them run marathons, finish difficult projects, and—if they eat too many—question if their eye is supposed to be twitching. As a gift to you, if you ever need to paint your house, get them on board – they can see way more colors than you can now.

Amazon.com
App Controlled Cocktail Mixer
App Controlled Cocktail Mixer

This one’s a subtle yet completely in-their-face way of saying, “I want to drink with you, but you make terrible cocktails.” They might get offended at first, but give them a cocktail or three and they’ll change their mind—you might even get an “I love you, man” in the mix.

Amazon.com
Jewelry Steam Cleaner
Jewelry Steam Cleaner

Some things are just inherently adult: finishing taxes a month in advance, owning more than one spare tire, and now this. Show the 30-year-old in your life you care by reminding them how old they are and how, yes, they absolutely do need a separate machine to clean their jewelry. They’ll thank you—right after they pay their bills a month early or whatever other adult things they do.

SharperImage.com
bubble ball
Bubble Ball

What’s better than bubble wrap and hamster balls? How about a human-sized bubble ball to roll around in or bounce off every surface in sight? Nothing says, “congratulations on turning 30 years old” like judgmental looks from neighbors and concern from everyone else.

Amazon.com
Giant Beanbag
Giant Beanbag

Beanbags: the dream furniture of broke college kids and now the 30-year-old in your life. Give them an excuse to connect with their younger self by lounging on a large lump in their living room. Be warned: this gift may provoke outbursts like: “I want a taco wrapped in a pizza” and “can you spot me five bucks,” but there’s sure to be a thank-you lost somewhere in the beanbag as well.

Amazon.com
soda stream
SodaStream Sparkling Water Maker

Sure, they can make water more exciting, but why stop there? What not sparkle some juices? Coffee? What happens you sparkle already sparkling water? Can you carbonate already carbonated drinks? We don’t know, but now’s the chance to find out! The drinks — and dreadful discoveries — are limitless.

Amazon.com
How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big
How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win

Anyone who receives this gift is sure to be good at half of what this book’s about—just not the winning part. Use their birthday as a chance to tease them and help them at the same time. Be wary though: once they read this book, they might flip to judging your life choices at the same time.

Amazon.com
selfie toaster
Selfie Toaster

Yes, eating toast with a picture of your face on it can be impressive and delicious, but eating someone else’s face on toast is menacing. Show the 30-year-old in your life you care by giving them a chance to frighten their friends. And their enemies. Especially their enemies.

BurntImpressions.com
mixology dice
Mixology Dice

You care about this person and you want them to discover knew things…that and the fact they’ll eventually have to drink something questionable at best thanks to these dice. That’s right; drink whiskey with that weird-looking liqueur and a lemon. Oh, you don’t have cherry bitters? Guess you’ll just have to drink that tequila straight up. The possibilities are endless—and so are the regrets.

Amazon.com
Do-it-Herself Guide to Fixing (Almost) Anything in the Home
Do-it-Herself Guide to Fixing (Almost) Anything in the Home

It’s empowering, practical, and a great way to persuade/force the 30-year-old in your life to fix things for you. “My sink’s acting up, could you check it out? What do you mean you don’t know how? I gave you that book, didn’t I?” It’s the gift that keeps on giving: to you.

Amazon.com
Executive Knight Pen Holder
Knight Pen Holder

Everything feels fancier when a knight presents it to you. Give the 30-year-old in your life an ego boost as they tell themselves that yes, their grocery lists deserve the royal treatment—and so does everything else they’ll write. Once they get over themselves, they’ll thank you, but be warned, it may come in the form of a thank-you note.

ThinkGeek.com
World’s Largest Coffee Cup
World’s Largest Coffee Cup

Nothing says you care about a person like fueling their caffeine addiction. Wish the 30-year-old in your life happy birthday by making them jittery for the day—and many days to follow. They’ll thank you for it—about a billion times before crashing.

Amazon.com
Money Soap
Money Soap

Everyone likes getting money for a present, so why not give it in one of the cutest, but most inconvenient ways possible? If they’re questionable about maintaining hygiene, that’ll never be the case again. Wait until rent is due, and then enjoy how lovely they smell as they wash their hands or shower obsessively to get the cash.

Amazon.com
Bathtub Wine Glass Holder
Bathtub Wine Glass Holder

If someone has reached the age of thirty without realizing the joy of luxuriating in a hot bath while drinking a glass of cold white wine, buy this gift for them. If they have reached that age and know exactly how nice it is to do that, then, again, buy this gift for them! It works either way.

Amazon.com
Quick Popsicle Maker
Quick Popsicle Maker

Some 30-year-olds have children and this is a perfect gift to…oh, who are we kidding? This one’s for you and the 30-year-old just as much as their children because nothing’s as satisfying as a nice, cold popsicle — except not having to share it.

Amazon.com
30 reasons we love you
30 Reasons We Love You

This is a kind reminder to help a friend through a rough time…or an excuse to tease them—your choice. Nothing says, “I love you” like adding a note that says: “because I’m the first person you called when you locked yourself out of the house while drunk.” The longer you know the person, the better the gift.

Custom Fortune Cookies
Custom Fortune Cookies

Ah, fortune cookies: the perfect way to mess with the 30-year-old in your life. From ominous: “Beware of buses today” to vague: “You’ll have a day” to the outright teasing: “You should rethink that shirt”. Of course, you could always customize the messages to be nice…Ha! Who are we kidding, give them a bus phobia for their birthday.

fancyfortunecookies.com
Life Size Tyrannosaurus Skeleton
Tyrannosaurus Skeleton

Their very own Tyrannosaurus skeleton. Enough said. It fits all occasions, and those who disagree can take it up with the dinosaur. Help them earn a reputation as the coolest person in the neighborhood, and when holidays swing around, wrapping it in lights and adding a hat can only earn you Alpha Friend status.

Hammacher.com
Sushi Bazooka
Sushi Bazooka

Sushi’s great, but not as great as when launched from a cannon. Good news for you – and everyone else within ten feet – it doesn’t have a great deal of firepower, but still helps spice up meals with some unnecessary– scratch that, totally necessary action hero elements.

Amazon.com
Custom Printed Coupons
Custom Printed Coupons

When they want a back rub from the spouse, the kids to clean their room, or their turn on the dishes passed along, it’s now at their fingertips. Give them the gift of abusing power. Just be careful though – if a coupon applies to you, write in the small print that restrictions apply, or you’ll get a real surprise on that “drive me anywhere” one at 2am.

lovecoups.com
Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium
Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium

When they hit 30, it’s the prime of their life. Time to start raking in achievements and accomplishing those goals they’ve always dreamed of. So it’s your job to get in the way of that. Bring their productivity to a screeching halt with a gift that’ll have them staring mindlessly for hours.

Hammacher.com
The Coolest
The Coolest

You care about your friend, which is why you want them to have a cooler with Bluetooth connectivity, an ice crusher, and…fine, you want to borrow this cooler every chance you get. It’s not like they can you refuse you — you’re the reason they have it in the first place.

Amazon.com
Stun Gun Flashlight
Stun Gun Flashlight

For fending off a mugger, they’ll thank you. For fending off annoying dogs, children, co-workers, and sometimes even you – they’ll really thank you. While it’s a high price to pay, take comfort that it’s worth it for their protection. And for the film you’ll catch of them inevitably testing it on themselves.

Amazon.com
PicoBrew Zymatic Automatic Beer Brewing
Automatic Beer Brewing System

Everyone needs a hobby, but why get them into something like scrapbooking or fishing, when you could kick-start a hobby that really pays off – for you. One that means free beer in the near future. Just brace your taste buds – the first attempts may make you wish it had more alcohol.

Amazon.com
art
Original Artwork

At 30 years old they probably don’t own an extensive art collection yet. But that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate the finer things in life. This is the perfect opportunity to get their collection started with a portrait of you riding a horse with a rocket launcher.

Artsy.com
Forbidden Knowledge: 101 Things NOT Everyone Should Know How to Do
101 Things NOT Everyone Should Know How to Do

And clearly your friend is one of those who shouldn’t. But friendship is about making moonshine in a bathtub and going blind for three hours – not following social constructs of “safety” and “health”. Plus you never know when you might need a friend to pick the lock on your front door.

Amazon.com
UV Sanitizing Portable Vacuum
UV Sanitizing Vacuum

If they didn’t have a germ phobia before, help them develop one before it’s too late. Once you explain how much this vacuum catches that was missed before, they’ll start to notice germs everywhere. Just realize you’ll be hanging out at their house from now on.

SharperImage.com
Stovetop Artisanal Pizzeria
Stovetop Artisanal Pizzeria

Help you friend pretend they’re in a fancy pizza restaurant as they throw the dough and use this stovetop artisanal pizzeria. Although they might get a little too into it; beware of fake accents and having to peel the thing off the ceiling.

Hammacher.com