Whole Bottle Wine Glass
In classier quarters this might be called a “decanter.” But the built-in stupidity of a decanter is that it’s really just a big glass you’re not allowed to drink out of. You see, in the genteel world of wine, “classy” consists of adding unnecessary steps to what should be a simple process. Of course, bourgeois society has attached all kinds of stigma to drinking straight from the bottle, so some kind of compromise is necessary. And that compromise is right here.
Let’s be real: financial advisors are really there to take your money. Behind that smarmy smile and questionably tailored suit is a walking, breathing, organic pile of self-interest. It’s about time someone dished on what truly makes retirement rewarding. This kind of advice is what they’ve really been waiting for.
What a way to walk off into the sunset! These fashionable flip-flops allow the new retiree to leave a trail of words like breadcrumbs down the beach beckoning one and all to follow along and bring some suds to share.
Make them feel better about their slow slide into dementia with this compilation of some of the funniest mental lapses in history. They might not remember to thank you for this gift, but they will at least laugh out loud. If they can remember where they put it.
Just because the company didn't give the retiree in your life an award does not mean they didn’t deserve one. Class up the place with a cut crystal eagle or a rosewood plaque. It’s the perfect thing for them to put in their home office while they stare vacantly at the wall.
Whatever colors they wore in their younger, more spry years, you can bet they wore them with pride. But god knows they’re not going to fit into that uniform anymore. And even if they did manage to force their old carcass into those youthful dimensions, it would probably only make everyone a little worried for their mental health. But turn it into an everyday use item like a tote bag, and they’ll look stylish as all get-out.
Retirement is all about finding a new perspective. After many decades of being earthbound, everything probably looks about the same from down here. A helicopter ride gives you a unique viewpoint, both above and up-close, letting you see things the way few people get to see them. It’s probably the closest they’ll ever get to being a superhero.
It can be dicey to rely on your 401k or social security check these days. Better fortify them right off the bat with a little old fashioned green paper money. It may not grow on trees, but you sure as hell can put it there yourself. They’re not going to give a damn, as long as they’re the ones doing the pickin’.
Once retirement hits, you’ve really got nobody left to impress. This is the time for them to do whatever the hell they feel like, all day every day. That includes eating what they really want to eat. When you retire, so do the food police. And trust us, these baskets are full of what they really want to eat.