In our last blog post, we gave you some top secret formulas to personalize any birthday card in a way the recipient will never forget. But we all know that birthday cards aren’t the only place where gift givers stumble to find the right words. In fact, greeting cards in general are notorious as sources of existential torment. It’s enough to make you wonder if it’s even worth it.
We’re here to tell you that it is. With the right framework, your simple paper and ink greeting card might even overshadow that boring, unoriginal gold watch (*yawn*). So if you’ve ever wondered what to write in a retirement card, this is the guide for you.
1. Make it a never-ending string of jokes about being old
The key to this one is to be merciless. It’s only a cliché if you stop too early.
We’re not talking about a few paragraphs of sentimental drivel peppered with a line or two about back pain or being “over the hill.”
We’re talking about filling every inch of whitespace with lovingly crafted verbal assault.
Example:
“If you’re not laughing while you read this, I know it’s only because you’re afraid you’ll pee your pants, and you probably forgot to wear your diaper today. Anyway, I’m not worried about you being mad at me, because by the time you get done reading this you’ll already have forgotten everything I said…”
2. Remind them of all the things they hated about working
Retirement is all about cultivating a sense of accomplishment, reinforcing the feeling of pride at having made it through the grinder in one peace, and freedom. And it’s mostly the freedom that they’ll be looking forward to — freedom from structured hours, bosses, repetition, and a sense of obligation.
Make their newfound freedom even sweeter by reinforcing all of the reasons they should be glad they’ve escaped the corporate jungle. And as anyone who has worked a day in their life knows, there are enough of these to fill an encyclopedia.
Example:
- You can make your own coffee, so it doesn’t have to taste like salted sewer water
- Your husband’s (wife’s, dog’s, etc.) feet can’t possibly smell as bad as [insert name of person in the adjacent office]
- You can stop pretending you know what you’re talking about
3. Give them a list of things to do with their spare time
Did we mention that retirement comes with a heavy dose of freedom? With that freedom comes the burden of having to figure out how to fill their hours with activities so they don’t go bat-s#!t crazy with boredom.
This may be the most humane option of all, because retirees really are kind of like children who just got kicked out of the house. They don’t know how to deal with the lack of structure, and the last thing you want is for them to descend into a life of crime or otherwise become delinquent or degenerate in their golden years. If idle hands are the devil’s playground, here is your chance to wash off some of that evil before it starts building up too thick.
Example:
- Play golf. Every day.
- Take up yoga
- I’ve heard whittling is fun for old people
- Start training for the sudoku world championships
4. Write a poem about being old
Noble members of society used to have themselves immortalized in the form of a painting or epic poem. In an enlightened, egalitarian society, perhaps these things should be available to people from all walks of life. Here is your chance to bestow this honor upon a new retiree.
Admittedly, this is not for everyone. Many people will find this the most challenging option on the list.
But if you’re unusually creative, or feel you’ve been gifted with transcendental vision, or if you just like to rhyme, you might be able to pull this one off.
Example:
“It is still thought a miracle
Your appearance upon this Earth.
For at that time there was not yet
Any such thing as birth…”
5. Don’t write anything. Insert a bingo card.
Sometimes you just need to keep it simple.
