Follow Me Bring Beer Sandals
What a way to walk off into the sunset! These fashionable flip-flops allow the new retiree to leave a trail of words like breadcrumbs down the beach beckoning one and all to follow along and bring some suds to share.
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If you know someone retiring with 30 or more years of service to the federal government, civilian or military, perhaps a letter from a President of the United States is in order. Have their favorite leader commemorate their retirement with this one of a kind gift.
The good life is all about quality over quantity. Or maybe it’s about quality and quantity. We’re not here to argue. If they still want to swill down cheap rotgut wine by the box, nobody’s going to stop them. It’s their life, not yours. But here’s a great way to broaden their horizons once a month by introducing them to the stuff that’s popular with the people who don’t mix their chardonnay with diet sprite.
Just because the company didn't give the retiree in your life an award does not mean they didn’t deserve one. Class up the place with a cut crystal eagle or a rosewood plaque. It’s the perfect thing for them to put in their home office while they stare vacantly at the wall.
Here are two things we know about old retired men: 1) They like to play golf. 2) They have to pee a lot more often than younger folk. The golf club urinal solves the second thing so they can focus on the first. It even comes with a towel so nobody gets arrested.
In a couple of generations, nobody’s even going to know what the hell a book is. Have you seen a teenager try to figure out how to use one of their parents’ audio cassettes? But for those of us in the know, books are the real source of pure knowledge and wisdom, untainted by the runoff of digital culture. Like a cold, clear mountain stream, but with words.
The beginning of retirement is like a starter pistol that tells you to booze it up. There’s really no reason to be sober anymore. The problem is that kind of drinking gets expensive. Time to become the first-world old folks version of the subsistence farmer: the artisan drinker.
The ice treatment isn’t just for dead people anymore. Besides, we think gifts for dead people are creepy - that’s why you won’t find a “gifts for dead people” category on this site. But it turns out that freezing living people is really good for them, boosting immunity, alleviating aches and pains, and so on. The coolest retirement gift you’ll ever find.
You might think that retirement is all relaxation, making this kind of gift redundant. Boy, would you be wrong. There’s all that yard work, all those coupons to clip, and all those young people running around acting a fool. Retirement is just as full of annoyance and monotony as anything else. A spa gift card is worth its weight in gold.