Funny Retirement Gag Gifts

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You never know what’s going to happen to someone’s sense of humor when they finally ride off into the great (employment) hereafter. Humor may have gotten them through all those years of soul-darkening, mind-numbing servitude, but that doesn’t mean they should discard it now like an old, worn out shoe. If anything, it should be at its peak, sharpened by decades of sadistic bosses, meaningless busywork, and incompetent coworkers. You know, the real world. Here are some funny retirement gag gifts to let them know you appreciate their most precious defense mechanism.

Generally speaking, the last person in the room who needs more wine is the person who’s already gone feet up. But as long as that posture signals relaxation and not unconsciousness, it’s probably fine. There may be a moral grey area, but that’s not your problem. This is the perfect gift for the most shameless wino you know.

Retirement is the time to finally live large, and these jumbo retirement cards are a great way to deliver a big message. They’re also big on laughs, and, well, they’re just really big. It’s almost like a really funny book with no pages, just a front and back cover. They’re great for the kinds of offices where everybody is always trying to one-up everyone else, or where you have to scream to get attention. Save your vocal cords this time and let a big (like, really big), funny (like, extra funny) card do the talking.

When you are retired, time doesn’t mean quite the same thing anymore. The day clock will tell you what day of the week it is (they all blend together), and it will give you a vague sense of what time it might be (which, let’s be honest here, is all you really need). What it won’t tell you is what the exact time is (let the working stiffs worry about that).

The professional world is frought with uncertainty, and we all need a backup plan. That plan is, and always has been, gold! While we've been toiling away to make ends meet, the smart folks have been in the hills filling up their pockets with precious metals. And having a blast doing it.

Dr. Seuss isn’t just for kids, you know. He wrote books for people of all ages, even the ones who are at retirement age. This hilarious and insightful gift will be a pleasant surprise for any loved one entering their golden years who loves to laugh and remembers being young.

Get them started on that Bucket List while there’s time and health to finish it, with a tangible, physical bucket. They can pick an adventure whenever life permits. It's a gift that gives them the opportunity to make memories, rather than giving them a reason to make more closet space.

We can’t emphasize this enough: you ride the motorized cooler full of drinks to the party, you drink its contents, and then you WALK it back home. Nobody wants to be the guy on the news who got arrested for drunk driving an empty cooler. So stay safe.

It’s been proven that a bottle of wine tastes a lot better once you don’t have to worry about the hangover. For decades, bizarre responsibilities like work and family have cut into their drinking time. That’s all over now, as they’ve entered the glorious don’t give a f*ck stage of life. It would be a shame if their retirement gifts didn’t reflect this.

Now that retirement is upon them, they probably talk a lot about the far-flung places they’re going to visit. There are whole continents to be explored, and the other side of the world is just a plane ticket away. Just smile and nod. We all know where they’re going to end up. Just make sure they don’t get lost.

It took years of hard work to reach this point. Or, more likely, years of pretending to work hard. When someone finishes a marathon, they get all kinds of swag to prove they made it from start to finish, and that’s only a few hours of discomfort. We’re talking about decades of stress, annoyance, and repressed murderous impulses here. They’ve earned the right to wear their journey for everyone to see.

The age-old question is, “Would you even want to know?” Find out a new retiree’s answer to this eternal query by gifting them this watch and observing the look that passes over their face when they realize what it is. It might even give them a goal to shoot for in a phase of life when motivation sometimes runs low.

This is the old people version of buying them their own pool cue. Like every game of chance, bingo is ruled by the secret and unfathomable rubric of superstition. Using a borrowed dauber is like spitting in the face of the lottery gods. Not a good idea.

Being home all day with nothing to do can be a surreal experience for someone who has spent the last 40+ years in the workforce, which makes this Salvador Dalí inspired melting clock the perfect way to mark the persistence of wasting time.

It’s only fair to let people know what they’re getting into. You would consider it par for the course to warn people about a dog with a habit of biting people, wouldn’t you? So why not hang a sign that warns about the inevitable consequences of wandering into the lair of the retiree? At least then there is no doubt as to whose fault it is when some hapless soul gets subjected to hours of “education” on every topic from politics to bird migration patterns.

What a way to walk off into the sunset! These fashionable flip-flops allow the new retiree to leave a trail of words like breadcrumbs down the beach beckoning one and all to follow along and bring some suds to share.

Bobbleheads were cool at sometime in the past, apparently, but not anymore. We realize this. But consider that the same is probably true for a person just entering retirement. Cool a long time ago, now not so much. Well the gift should match the recipient, right? It just makes sense.

Give the gift of fat stacks of cash with this genuine bundle of real fake US currency. This prop money looks good enough to fool even the most discerning filmgoer, and makes a fun gift for a retiree who is about to discover life on a fixed income.


It’s never too late to learn new tricks. The great American safety net isn’t quite what it was cracked up to be, and retirees get to learn that when the social security checks come rolling in. But don’t feel sorry for them. Hobos have been getting by on far less for as long as anyone can remember. Time to put together a nice starter kit.


Neckties are the corsets of the corporate world. But instead of making you look sexy it just feels like you’re being strangled by a very weak person. After this goes on for decades at a time, it’s understandable that some hostility might build up, even if that daily strangler was placed there time and again by one’s own hand. Emotional projection can be a healthy retirement gift.

The classic party game where everyone either reveals reputation-demolishing secrets about their past or shamelessly lies to save face. Depending on the temperament of the various participants, it can make for an hour or so of good-natured ribbing, or it can devolve into closet doors being flung open to reveal hideous skeletons beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. In other words, it’s rip-roaring fun. But depending on your own personal history, you may want to sit this one out.

In classier quarters this might be called a “decanter.” But the built-in stupidity of a decanter is that it’s really just a big glass you’re not allowed to drink out of. You see, in the genteel world of wine, “classy” consists of adding unnecessary steps to what should be a simple process. Of course, bourgeois society has attached all kinds of stigma to drinking straight from the bottle, so some kind of compromise is necessary. And that compromise is right here.

After so many years of dutifully showing up and doing what needs to be done, they might need a little nudge to let them know it’s fine to loosen up the old belt, let their hair down, and do their own thing. What the heck, maybe even hit up the dispensary on the way home (if they live in one of those states). After all, what better way to relax than to sit back and take a few deep breaths.

Time takes on a whole new meaning when you’re retired. Or does it lose all meaning? Whatever. For the new retiree, does it even matter what time it is anymore? This square desk clock is a funny gift to celebrate their new freedom from schedules and deadlines. Clock is battery-operated and includes key hole for wall hanging.