Pens No One Will Borrow
Every workplace has one – the serial pen thief. The colleague who loiters by your desk, eyeing up ballpoints, commenting on what a nice pen you have. Yes, Tom, that’s why it’s my pen. How should you get your revenge? Buy everyone in your office these hilarious pens from embarrassing fake businesses, and let things take their course.
Be that guy. Use these time-tested techniques to appear smarter in meetings - without even trying! Topics include “how to nod and pace” and “what to do with your face.” This fabulously snarky book is sure to appeal to those who are familiar with the corporate drudgery of relentless, inane meetings.
Technically speaking, this is a rubber stamp, but colloquially speaking, using it is the opposite of rubber stamping. It allows the owner to send useless, insulting, and otherwise subpar documents back where they came from with the appropriate level of contempt. Slamming this thing face first into each page in a stack of shitty documents may be the highlight of your coworker’s day.
Transport them to a tropical land where soft sand cushions their overworked feet and salty air tickles their senses. Feel the warm breeze caress the cheek and listen to the gentle waves lapping along the shoreline. Achieve calmness, serenity and purpose inside the confines of the office cubicle. Frolic in the sand and let the stress of work float away.
Gone are the days when a notepad with a holographic cover and dividers was the height of note-taking style. Treat your co-worker to a digital notepad and save them hours of typing up scribbled notes, struggling to decipher their own handwriting. Also, great for doodling on when the 3pm slump hits!
Are you changing jobs soon and want to leave behind a legacy of disorder and cascading revenge? Give this book to the person at the office you hate least and let them unleash a reign of terror and annoyance. A perfect bridge burner.
For the gelatinous co-worker who just seems to be drifting along in his own little bubble, but who freaks out when Jenny from accounts accidentally brushes his arm on her way past, make him feel less alone with these mesmerizing friends in a jar!
Nothing is more important to company productivity than morale. And nothing raises morale better than acknowledging the real triumphs and heroics that make up the everyday life of an indentured office servant. There are no dragons to slay in the corporate world. The real battles are fought in small, desperate spaces like the sterile, suffocating environs of the meeting room. These things should not go unsaid.
Name one coworker who wouldn’t love this (except Phil, he had a bad fish experience and doesn’t want to talk about it). Literal living art and – bonus – zero maintenance required. This self-contained aquatic ecosystem dumps the downsides to bring only the positives of an aquarium to the table.