We’ve been living with goats for hundreds of thousands of years, but most of us needed the internet to find out they scream like humans. And we can’t get enough of it. Murphy’s Law guarantees the most obnoxious person in your white elephant exchange will end up with this. And then everyone will definitely get enough of it.
Subtlety is not a quality that is often attributed to remarkable butts. From Brazilian calendar models to Dave in HR (in whose wake no sane person walks), the human posterior tends to grab attention forcefully, or not at all. A small company with a social conscience is looking to change that. Enter Subtle Butt, the fashion accessory you wish everyone else had.
We’ve come a long way from the prehistoric custom of drinking warm beer. Now all of mankind’s greatest inventions have been combined into one neat package. This vehicle will be the envy of all who lay eyes on it, a motorized testament to mankind’s greatest accomplishments.
Complaining about how hot it is in the office is for losers. “Adapt and survive” has been the motto of our race, and this is the next great leap in human evolution. No more does the recipient of this amazing piece of engineering need to rely on the outside world to ensure their comfort. This future is here, and man is it cool.
The squirrels have been playing tricks on us for years, and most of us don’t even know it. In fact, squirrels often go way over the line. From house fires to divorces, they are responsible for untold misery, suffering, and property loss. It’s time we start giving them a taste of their own medicine. Start small. Start here.
A bad stomach virus will elicit fewer groans than this book. When your sense of humor has calcified into something like petrified wood, it’s time to beat people gently into a stupor with it. This is the perfect instructional guide to doing just that.
Ever wondered what ten billion dollars feels like in your hand? Surprisingly unremarkable, as it turns out. And the design doesn’t seem appropriately inspiring either - just a few rocks and some kind of wild shrub. But hey, that doesn’t matter, because it’s still ten billion freaking dollars, right? Well, not exactly… it’s Zimbabwean money from way back during the height of their economic crisis, so it’s basically worthless. But it does have a lot of zeroes on it and the really impressive words “ten billion dollars”.
Flowers are indeed edible, with species such as rose, jasmine, and hibiscus being just a few examples of petals commonly used for flavoring. The problem is that they’re just not very filling. An entire sunflower hardly registers on your appetite. Beef jerky, on the other hand, will help quell the hunger of even the most ravenous of humans, and a beef jerky bouquet effuses a much more manly scent than a vase full of peonies. Just a more satisfying choice on so many levels.
If you enjoy the world-renowned photography of National Geographic, you’re going to love this calendar. Walmart may be a historic case-study in ruthless bottom-line economics, but it’s most remarkable as the central gathering place for the rarest specimens of rural white America. Darwin may have reconsidered his fancy theory if he had one of these handy.