How to Swear Around the World
Nothing makes you feel more at home in a foreign place than knowing the right way to tell someone to go f*ck himself. Don’t let a traveler you know venture off into the great unknown without arming them first with this essential guidebook. No matter where you end up on this great planet of ours, respect follows those who command the rough outer edges of the language.
The worst part about moving to a new town is often the actual moving. Since relocating is typically pretty expensive, some people elect to do all their moving themselves in order to save a few bucks. You can offer a helping hand, or rather several helping hands, by hiring professional movers. They do all the heavy lifting, loading and unloading, and can even do the packing and unpacking if you want. It’s a pretty huge going away gift, but it’s one they will truly appreciate in such a stressful time.
A visual display of a prolific traveler’s cartographic conquests, this map comes alive as they scratch away each region visited. Modern modes of transport have made the world a very small place. Checking into each sovereign nation on earth is within the realm of possibility for anyone with moderate wealth and an abundance of time. Here’s the wall art to help them prove it.
Each city has its own stories, food, entertainment, landmarks, and vengeful spirits. Help them settle in by experiencing these things firsthand under the guidance of an informed expert. No matter how far away their new home may be, they’ll be a grizzled and knowledgeable old local by night’s end.
There’s a bunch of things they’ll need help with if they’re getting ready to move, and U-Haul has tons of products and services that just might save the day. A gift card can be applied to truck and trailer rentals, self-storage, moving supplies and even hiring a moving crew. It’s a practical going away gift that will elevate some of the stress of moving, so they’ll be free to freak out about something else.
These candles are formulated to smell like your home state. Good thing nobody told them that when you’re home all you really smell is burned turkey and your brother-in-law’s beer farts. This is more like the idealized version of your home smell, the kind of false memory someone wants to take with them when they leave.
What’s the point of moving or traveling if you’re going to do the same things you’ve always done when you get there? Give this anywhere travel guide to someone who’s going away and needs some ideas on how to battle boredom. Cards feature prompts that suggest activities they probably wouldn’t think of if left to their own devices.
If you really want to make an authentic product, get out that Members Only jacket, don some vintage Walkman headphones and pretend you have some really cool parachute pants on—this going-away compilation is going to be off the charts! Come up with a wicked awesome name for your retro mix … something along the lines of “Bitchin’ Bon Voyage Bonus Mix Tape!” and remember to give proper credit to the artists. Upload the magic to that righteous thumb drive and you’ve got a gift that’s totally tubular, Dude!
So they finally got that dream house in the dream neighborhood and everything is right in the world. Congratulations to them. But how are they going to get that thousand-pound antique grandfather clock into the moving truck? Oh, isn’t that convenient: they thought you were going to carry it. Hand them this instead and give them your best “Well, what are you waiting for?” look.