Giant Winking Eye Bag
This thing really only exists to freak people out a little. There’s no point in pretending it serves another purpose. Oh, it also holds stuff in its surprisingly roomy inner compartment, but that’s not why you buy it. You buy it because you want passers-by to look at the person wearing it and say, “What’s with her?” It’s quirky enough to get a few laughs, and disturbing enough to never be forgotten. Dogs especially don’t like it, and we can’t really say we blame them.
It was only with the advent of modern society that we decided the broad world was no longer our toilet. This made us feel better about ourselves (and each other), but it’s so damn inconvenient. Thankfully some genius made this thing, which combines the best of both worlds - the carefree and the socially conscientious. Now we can feel whole again.
Subtlety is not a quality that is often attributed to remarkable butts. From Brazilian calendar models to Dave in HR (in whose wake no sane person walks), the human posterior tends to grab attention forcefully, or not at all. A small company with a social conscience is looking to change that. Enter Subtle Butt, the fashion accessory you wish everyone else had.
Pens have a way of disappearing, and since they don't have legs, we have to assume people are stealing them. These serial pen thieves are lurking in every office and workplace, and everyone is a suspect. We've all been a victim, and we all just accept the fact that when someone asks if they can borrow a pen, that pen may be gone forever. There is a simple solution - use pens that make people deeply uncomfortable, preferably with messages so unsettling that they may not ask you again. And since such a pen would truly be yours to keep, it ought to be a good one. These professional metal barrel pens not only make a memorable first impression, but are built to last and filled high with ink - unlike some discount novelty pens out there. A great gift for your coworkers and friends, and even better to keep for yourself.
The worst thing about this gift is the disillusionment. Like planting a hidden camera on a magician, you just won’t care to watch the show once the secret has been revealed. This small box of simple tools is all anyone will ever need to get out of any dangerous predicament they might find themselves in. But go ahead and give this to someone you care about. Survival always trumps entertainment.
You might call your toes “little piggies,” but the truth is that feet are the real workhorses of the human body. And we tend to be pretty merciless toward them for long stretches of the day, so it’s a nice gesture to show them some love when it’s all over with. And healthy feet make a happy human, so you could try giving a foot hammock to the most unlikeable person you know and see if it brightens them up a bit. Or better yet, give it to someone you like. Trust us, they’ll appreciate it.
If you’re going to make use of a hideous cliche, you might as well own it. In fact, go ahead and wear it. Better yet, give it to someone else to wear, and see if they have the cojones to pull it off. Sure, the company Christmas party is the safe place to bust this thing out. But do they have the guts to rock this in February? If so, you’ve got a real killer on your hands.
These king-sized treats just might be the perfect gift to match their insatiable sweet tooth. This level of candy debauchery might be frowned upon by overeaters anonymous, but life is too short for sugar shaming. No need to wrap these monstrous munchies, the wrapper alone is half the fun and can be used later on as one-of-a-kind wall art to commemorate their gastronomical feat.
If you can’t be good, then you need to be the best at being the worst. No artistic tool better equips you for that lofty goal than the Otamatone. This thing is a crapstorm of godawful atonal noise. You’ve never heard anything worse.