Funny Retirement T-shirt
It took years of hard work to reach this point. Or, more likely, years of pretending to work hard. When someone finishes a marathon, they get all kinds of swag to prove they made it from start to finish, and that’s only a few hours of discomfort. We’re talking about decades of stress, annoyance, and repressed murderous impulses here. They’ve earned the right to wear their journey for everyone to see.
Being home all day with nothing to do can be a surreal experience for someone who has spent the last 40+ years in the workforce, which makes this Salvador Dalí inspired melting clock the perfect way to mark the persistence of wasting time.
Some people just can’t sit still. That makes retirement a little dicey, and can lead to some bad decisions. Keep them occupied with a new skill to learn every month, curated by people who know how to keep the old folks out of trouble. Kind of like remote babysitters.
Whatever colors they wore in their younger, more spry years, you can bet they wore them with pride. But god knows they’re not going to fit into that uniform anymore. And even if they did manage to force their old carcass into those youthful dimensions, it would probably only make everyone a little worried for their mental health. But turn it into an everyday use item like a tote bag, and they’ll look stylish as all get-out.
Bobbleheads were cool at sometime in the past, apparently, but not anymore. We realize this. But consider that the same is probably true for a person just entering retirement. Cool a long time ago, now not so much. Well the gift should match the recipient, right? It just makes sense.
Once you’ve got a few (hundred thousand) miles on your bones, low-impact exercise is the way to go. A swim routine is the best tonic for those aching, sagging muscles. But old people tend to get lost easily, so you probably don’t want to drop them at the lake and let them swim off. Better to find a nice pool with a little bit of supervision.
Here are two things we know about old retired men: 1) They like to play golf. 2) They have to pee a lot more often than younger folk. The golf club urinal solves the second thing so they can focus on the first. It even comes with a towel so nobody gets arrested.
The beginning of retirement is like a starter pistol that tells you to booze it up. There’s really no reason to be sober anymore. The problem is that kind of drinking gets expensive. Time to become the first-world old folks version of the subsistence farmer: the artisan drinker.
Let’s be real: financial advisors are really there to take your money. Behind that smarmy smile and questionably tailored suit is a walking, breathing, organic pile of self-interest. It’s about time someone dished on what truly makes retirement rewarding. This kind of advice is what they’ve really been waiting for.