How to Look Smart in Meetings
Meetings are inherently stupid. A meeting is where good ideas, ingenuity, and morale go to die. So it would be extra stupid for anyone to put any more effort than necessary into contributing or looking smart. Here is a guidebook for the enlightened.
In the overly political environment of the office workspace, every moment of social signaling matters. Which means that Doris in accounting wouldn’t be caught dead with a pen from the Springfield Sexual Addiction Center or a local proctologist’s office. Now if only someone could invent a “Borrow My Promotion?” product to keep people from stealing those.
Mice are so much cuter once they’re dead. They’re even cuter if you dress them up as famous historical figures - so long as you do all that taxidermal stuff to keep them from rotting. But someone else already took care of that for you. Best of all, you might even get a scream when the recipient realizes they’re holding a real dead mouse in their hands.
Every once in a while, even the most accomplished chef needs to shake it up. People make way too many decisions throughout the day as it is; sometimes they need someone else to make a big one for them, like what to stuff down their throats. And rest assured, the responsible souls who crafted these dice filled them with things you wouldn’t mind filling yourself with.
Your feet are the hardest workers that never get any recognition. In fact most people like to pretend they don’t even have them. How do you think that makes their feet feel? Let’s face it, most office workers’ brains are on a permanent vacation. How about a vacation for their feet too?
You might be wondering why we need another liquid metal to play with. Well, sometimes people lose their mercury, and then they get bored because they have to play with stuffed animals instead. Just make sure you don’t spill this on your car (see video).
Look around the office. How many people are living their dreams right now? Don in accounting always wanted to be a getaway driver, but now all he can do is squeal the tires of his Dodge Intrepid on the way out of the parking lot. Mary in sales dreams of being a diamond thief, but she’s afraid to take the leap so she settles for stealing staplers and pens off people’s desks and stupid crap like that. It’s time to set these people free. All they need is a little nudge.
Diabetes, obesity, and tooth loss are major problems in modern society, yet for so many they still seem so far out of reach. And let’s face it, your co-workers are much less likely to get there eating the typical pitifully-portioned candy bars that can easily fit in their glove compartment. Time to haul out the big artillery. Here comes the insulin h-bomb.
Generally speaking, the last person in the room who needs more wine is the person who’s already gone feet up. But as long as that posture signals relaxation and not unconsciousness, it’s probably fine. There may be a moral grey area, but that’s not your problem. This is the perfect gift for the office’s most shameless wino.