Nothing good can happen in a humorless house. Nothing but the slow, agonizing passage of time. If that doesn’t sound fun to you, here are a plethora of ideas to take the drear right out of that new corpse hotel they just moved into. Everyone needs a little lift now and then, and these gifts will make a new home brighter, more inviting, and maybe a little sillier.
A first impression is a dominant factor in shaping perception. A hilarious doormat begins that process even before eye contact is made. Help them ingratiate themselves with party guests, traveling salesmen, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and whoever else happens to stumble upon their threshold. A little personality never hurt anyone.
Just because they’ve joined the respectable world doesn’t mean they have to leave their backyard college party days behind. These reusable red cups are made of high-quality melamine — a durable plastic compound that looks, feels and performs remarkably like conventional dinnerware materials such as porcelain. These cups, available in a variety of shapes and sizes, bridge the aesthetic gap between high-class living and low-rent debauchery. The perfect gift for that special someone who appreciates the frathouse-chic lifestyle.
It’s a good bet that more of us would stop to smell the roses if they were made out of beef jerky. “But,” you say, “if they were made of beef jerky then they wouldn’t be roses.” Well, that’s where you’re wrong. And that’s the beauty of human ingenuity. When one of us has a great idea, we can all benefit. And rest assured, much happiness will be experienced due to this magical invention. If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s appropriate to buy a man flowers, now you’ve got your answer.
Spilled alcohol and broken glass simply don’t fit with the luxury life. Let the lowbrows balance their stemware on the wet, glossy surface of the tub like the hapless fools they are. Your friends and loved ones deserve better. Bring some peace of mind to their relaxation hour.
Great art doesn’t always take the form you’re expecting. Twitter gives everyone with a phone and an opinion to spare the chance to reach millions of people with a single ill-conceived utterance. With all that verbal garbage coursing through the airwaves, bizarre gems are certain to arise. Lest they drift away and go to waste, someone had the brilliant idea to start framing them. Move over Picasso, it’s time to make room for the real modern art.
You tap a watermelon to tell if it is ripe, right? Now tap it another way! For the person whose new house has that killer patio, the Watermelon Keg Kit makes every cookout an instant party. Not only do you get a super cool drink dispenser, but you get to eat the watermelon, too! WIN WIN!
If you think that intoxicating substances and baseball don’t mix, consider that Doc Ellis once pitched a no-hitter while tripping on acid, and old time icons like Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth, and Harry Caray were pretty much drunk all the time. This unique and meticulously crafted centerpiece is more proof of the divine intersection between the national pastime and…the other national pastime.
You could buy them a 17 man band that could live in the corner of their den and serenade them every day, or you could just go with this unique piece of furniture that can play 17 instruments at once. Plus this pneumatically controlled Hootenanny can remember how to play 13,000 songs.
Nobody wants bugs in the house, but some people feel bad about killing them, too. It’s not their fault they need a home, after all. The Bug Vacuum solves this moral conundrum by giving us a way to safely catch and release household spiders and insects without having to touch an icky, itsy-bitsy, creepy crawler.
Nothing makes a home feel unique like incorporating art into its basic function. Modernism is all about austerity and total lack of decoration, and these light switch covers are like a stick in the eye of that architectural philosophy. If you know a steampunk fan who’s decorating their house, they’ll go ape over these. You don’t have to understand. Just trust us.
Some people need visual feedback in order to understand their progress. With these right and left brain bookends, they can literally watch as their mind expands with each book added to the shelf. Of course, they still have to read them to absorb the knowledge. Let’s hope you don’t have to explain that.
Most guests’ bathroom trips come and go without a single data point being collected. This bathroom guest book allows you to gather critical feedback on the finely curated relief/evacuation experience you’ve orchestrated for your visitors. This data gives you the knowledge you need to make the necessary adjustments to the structure, aesthetics, and accessories of your inner sanctum, as well as gain valuable psychological profiling insights on the people who have passed through. Think of it as the Google Analytics for your crapper.
Why is it so hard to judge the correct amount of spaghetti noodles to cook? It’s not like we haven’t done this a million times. For whatever reason, the human mind cannot solve this equation. Luckily there’s no need with this handy tool that can measure standard portions for people and even those who are so hungry they could eat a horse.
Most people poop incorrectly. With all that practice you’d think we’d all be good at it. The Squatty Potty gets the body in the correct posture and claims to help with all sorts of health issues. It’s a great gift since all things toilet related are inherently funny.
Night-blindness is that thing that happens when you turn on the bathroom light in the middle of the night. The shock of going from darkness to light is abruptly harsh, and after the light goes off you’re blind for several minutes until your eyes readjust to the darkness. The combination of night blindness and urgent midnight runs to the bathroom can result in any number of minor disasters like stubbed toes and stray streams of... you get the idea. With the subtle glow of a toilet night light all these problems are a thing of the past. Also creates a nice atmosphere for impromptu bathroom disco parties.
With the gift of consciousness comes the burden of consciousness. Knowledge is heavy, and many a man has succumbed under its implacable weight. Celebrate the wonderful danger of ideas with this poor terrified effigy of a man on the verge of seeing his brief, harried existence crushed like an ant under the lumbering foot of human thought.
There’s a whole mysterious world out there that can only mean trouble for a naive, trusting beast like the domestic canine. That doesn’t mean that fido can’t experience it from afar through a steamy, drool smeared bubble. Expand his horizons from the safe confines of a fenced yard, where he can daydream in peace and security.
A true surrealist is not going to put up with the mere harnessing of electricity. These brightly colored artistic lamps are a gravity-defying nod to the unreality of existence. Fun, functional, and funky. Give the laws of physics a slap in the face.
Ever since slushies were invented, they’ve been treated like they’re for kids and kids only. But discrimination is never justified, and the creators of this beer slushy maker are out to prove it. Adults want in on the party too, just in a different way. Specifically the beer way. And this machine takes them directly to Beer Way, right down Delicious Street.
Symbolic furniture is all the rage. Champagne lovers will feel tipsy when they see this decorative and functional living room table that pays homage to their favorite beverage. Then maybe you can buy them that dining room table shaped like a cow. Or that butt-shaped toilet seat cover. So many choices in this category.
Sometimes you wind up on the mucus train and just can’t find a way off, like a hobo locked in the last freight car on the Burlington Northern. Thankfully, relief is just an arm’s length away. Unlike the hobo, you don’t have to resort to rat eating or pooping in the woods. This gift adds a little industrial-historical touch to someone’s living room and reminds them how easy they have it.
You may not want to admit it, but sometimes a cliché is charming as hell. Not everyone can pull off a pink lawn flamingo, but those who can stand in our highest regard for a reason. It’s an old classic that never made sense. You can’t beat that.
This unique gift is a great way to boost their reputation for having supernatural powers, and when they run out of wine they can use this magic rope to walk their invisible tiny-necked dog.
Gnome infestations have remained a taboo subject for too long. Damn the social consequences, we must finally bring this issue into the light. Gnomes are not people, they are parasites bent on destroying everything we’ve worked so hard to build and eating all of our vegetables. Don’t worry, you don’t have to snuff them out yourself. Leave that to this merciless miniature beast.
Pepper is an in-your-face spice, and its essence has nothing to do with subtlety. Here is the perfect vessel for the preeminent seasoning at the table. Let this beautifully crafted ebony grinder tower over the other lowly flavors, including its eternal rival, salt. Any other symbolism we’ll leave up to your imagination.
Some household items scream your personality from across the room. Are you a forty-year-old with Star Wars bed sheets? Nerd-tastic. Chances are you don’t even have to read this. If you know someone who’s a good fit for this gift, you knew it as soon as you saw it. What are you waiting for?
If there’s anything that can make wine taste better, it’s a little frustration. If you think life in our rapid-delivery consumer culture is just a bit too easy, then teach the new homeowner a valuable lesson by making them work more than they anticipated for their reward. You’re not only giving the world’s oldest artisan beverage, you’re helping develop life skills.
This sculpture is not, despite all appearances, the work of some sort of demented robot clown, but it is the perfect housewarming gift for the person who appreciates a little whimsy with their modern art. It’s a wonderful conversation starter, and it will never, ever pop.
If we were asked to describe R2-D2 in two words, we would probably say short and stout, a description that famously applies to teapots as well. A perfect addition to the home kitchen of any Star Wars fan, this little teapot is most certainly the droid you are looking for.
If those sushi making kits with the bamboo rolling mats are such good gifts for food lovers, then why does nobody ever even open the package, much less make sushi with them? Maybe because it’s just too hard to do? Not with the sushi bazooka. Just load it up and POW! Instant sushi rolls. This will be used.
Nothing makes a new house feel like home more than adding some portraits to the walls. Go a step further and let them emblazon their own face on edible items. Nothing says “my house” like a toaster that spits out bread in your own image.
There are very few authentic Viking activities that are acceptable in modern society. So for the most part, we have to take what we can get. Drinking from a real, ethically harvested Viking-style bull horn drinking vessel is one of those acceptable activities. And drinking from a Viking horn vessel is more than just acceptable — it’s a recognized sign of strength, power, and valor. And in some cases, perhaps mild psychotic tendencies. But nothing society isn’t set up to handle.
So many of your household appliances would be better if they weren’t fixed in place. Wouldn’t you sometimes like to bake in the backyard? Do the laundry on your roof deck? And what about the toilet? Wouldn’t you like to…well, never mind. For now, we’ve got the inflatable hot tub. Move it, deflate and store it, set it back up and inflate it in three minutes whenever it’s needed.
Food creates a multi-sensory experience that transcends taste. Scent is a powerful sensory stimulus that affects mood and is heavily tied to memory. These beautiful, unique candles celebrate some of the sweetest, most distinctive and most recognizable foods out there both visually and through their delicious smells.
The pink flamingo is royalty in the plastic animal kingdom. Nary a beast can approach its fame, distinction, and nobility in that realm. Its closest rival is probably the rubber chicken, but most rubber chickens don’t even have heads. And now the pink flamingo extends its influence even further by offering itself up as the guzzling vessel of choice for the most lit parties. The days of using a beer bong that looks like something their neighbor just got done using to fill his diesel tractor are long gone.
Run, run as fast as you can, but you can’t escape from a Ninjabread Man. These stealthy holiday assassins will sneak, chop, and stab their way from oven to belly without making a sound. Turn any kitchen into a dojo with these hilarious novelty cookie cutters.
Being earthbound can be such a drag. A Star Trek themed bathrobe can be a nightly reminder that mere humans just like us have indeed sailed among the stars, and perhaps someday we will too. Does wonders for your confidence too: once you’ve had the feeling of piloting an interstellar craft, running a household is child’s play.
Most disagreements can be smoothed over with little lasting effect. Others have the potential to create internal family warfare that can rift a clan in two and and cause lingering animosity for generations. The Split Decision Pie Pan is an attempt to avert the disaster that can ensue from dessert arguments, especially during the holidays and other important celebrations. No longer must we choose between apple pie and our own children. Instead, let harmony reign over the land.
Admittedly, this is kind of a niche gift. But somehow, inexplicably, this has become a giant niche. Fans of the animated sitcom - as well as the associated blog, comic book, and soundtrack album - will have a great time geeking out to these real life, chef-tested recipes for the outlandishly-named burgers the show is famous for.
If you’re friends with the crazy cat person, you have to buy them this gift. Make them the envy of all their crazy cat friends with this toilet training kit, which will make litter boxes a thing of the past. It will also make their cat king of all the neighborhood felines, complete with his own throne to sit on.
Don’t give a dog a bone … go for a corn on the cob instead! These whimsical prongs are precisely what every wiener dog enthusiast has been missing. With these perky fellas anchoring both ends of sweet, buttery corn, the cobs will be spinning and satisfying hungry appetites for hours on end. No need to sniff aimlessly around gift shops, hunting down the perfect present—follow the tracks of these hounds and delight a dachshund lover today!
The squirrels have been playing tricks on us for years, and most of us don’t even know it. In fact, squirrels often go way over the line. From house fires to divorces, they are responsible for untold misery, suffering, and property loss. It’s time we start giving them a taste of their own medicine. Start small. Start here.
Sitting on the throne, for lack of a better term, isn’t the place where you tend to feel at your most gallant, but every king or queen needs a loyal knight to serve them and we’ve found just the man for the job. Always at hand when they need him the most, he won’t shy away from coming to their aid in even the most, er, challenging of situations.
In classier quarters this might be called a “decanter.” But the built-in stupidity of a decanter is that it’s really just a big glass you’re not allowed to drink out of. You see, in the genteel world of wine, “classy” consists of adding unnecessary steps to what should be a simple process. Of course, bourgeois society has attached all kinds of stigma to drinking straight from the bottle, so some kind of compromise is necessary. And that compromise is right here.
Traditional golf pants are one of the most identifiable sartorial statements in the history of men’s fashion. This playful golf leg table captures the timeless style in a gloriously bizarre yet classic piece of furniture. Charmingly whimsical, dignified, and refined all at once, it makes a perfect addition to any man cave, vacation home, or course-side timeshare, and it’s bound to do as much for their reputation among other golfers as shaving ten strokes off their handicap.
Just as flowers bend toward the sunlight, the Mirthful Sommelier’s Monogrammed Wine Glasses incline toward the lucky mouths of the thirsty wretches who covet their contents. These playful and unique glasses are also the perfect stemware to break out when your gathering gets a little too uptight. After all, if even the glassware is chill enough to slouch, the humans drinking out of it can surely pull the rod out of their butts for a few minutes.
No light shines as bright as the light of wisdom. Even better if that wisdom is delivered in weird syntax that makes you stop what you’re doing to figure out what you’re being told. That is, after all, Yoda’s whole schtick. Clever little bastard. This intricately crafted lamp includes one of his best-known motivational slogans — imploring the world, more or less, to “just do it.” Seriously, if you know any over-the-top Star Wars fans, just get this for them. It’s as close to a can’t miss gift as you’ll ever find.
When he’s not whipping up beats and ghetto-smooth flows, it turns out Snoop Dogg is busy whipping up tuna casseroles and birthday cakes. Who would have thought? But then again, given his chosen pastimes, it’s a good bet that he’s hungry more often than the average human. A holy fusion of soul food, classic dinner dishes, and Cap’n Crunch, there’s something for everyone in these pages. Time to get down on some dogg food.
After a long day at work, they’ll love to come home and fall face-first into the inviting crevices of this butt-shaped head haven. But this is not just a gag gift — this pillow happens to be a great shape to accommodate any sleeping position. With real butt-like tactile qualities, a silky inner lining, and removable yoga pant cover, they’ll look forward to stuffing their face right up in there every night. Soft, comforting, and ergonomical — they’ve never experienced booty sleep like this.
The ultimate college food staple, also ideal for survivalists who want to go out in style. With individually wrapped noodle and cheese powder packets, this is about as imperishable a food item as you’re going to find this side of the Twinkie aisle. And the per-meal price of this gourmet dinner kit is absurdly low, especially for something that literally nobody has ever gotten sick of eating. Mac & cheese is the ultimate blank flavor slate, allowing the lucky food hoarder to create variety by adding in a few hot dogs, frozen vegetables — heck, why not dump in that stray bag of skittles. YOLO.
When someone drops a bomb with your name on it, the best thing you can do is light a candle with theirs on it. Not to pray for their soul, mind you, but to cleanse the shared airways. And since it’s always best to fight heavy artillery with heavy artillery, you don’t want to settle for any old candle. You want a high quality hand-poured candle with a scent that’s strong enough to fight off that of your antagonist. The perfect gift for anyone who lives with a documented intestinal terrorist.
The Mighty Carver reciprocating knife has surgical-grade stainless steel blades with machine-cut, razor-sharp serrated edges. You can hold it as you would a regular knife with the handle in the back. Or for maximum entertainment value and the complete chainsaw effect, use the top handle. Whether or not you wear the Leatherface mask is entirely up to the tenor of your family’s sense of humor.