Night-blindness is that thing that happens when you turn on the bathroom light in the middle of the night. The shock of going from darkness to light is abruptly harsh, and after the light goes off you’re blind for several minutes until your eyes readjust to the darkness. The combination of night blindness and urgent midnight runs to the bathroom can result in any number of minor disasters like stubbed toes and stray streams of... you get the idea. With the subtle glow of a toilet night light all these problems are a thing of the past. Also creates a nice atmosphere for impromptu bathroom disco parties.
Go big or go home. Wait, they can do both with these giant yard games! They’ll supersize the fun at backyard parties with these larger than life versions of the games we all played growing up. All sorts of giant games are available including checkers, chess, Connect Four, Yahtzee, Scrabble, Jenga and more.
Vacuuming will no longer feel like a chore with this powerful canister strapped to their back. Liberating and sporty, this dust-defeating, crumb-eating soldier of suction is strictly reserved for today’s most ambitious and orderly housekeepers. The latest in domestic fitness regimens, this lightweight apparatus will strengthen their core while reducing unsightly nicks on walls and unnecessary scratches on floors. Tidiness redefined.
They not only own that newly-bought house, they also own every disaster that occurs within. Give them the means to go to war with broken door hinges, leaking pipes, faulty appliances, and whatever else Murphy’s Law drops in their lap.
If you’re anything like us, you’re not wild about some anonymous person manhandling your pork. The problem is, of course, that someone has to turn it into bacon. A make your own bacon kit is the perfect gift for someone who really wants to take control of their lives, starting with the most important parts.
It used to be the only way to smell like your favorite alcohol was to get so drunk it came out of your pores. Although a few people have probably tried using whiskey as cologne, too. Thank god someone finally came up with a better solution. Beer soap uses real craft beer ingredients to make rich, fragrant soap that not only smells great but nourishes your skin with natural vitamins and nutrients.
Jesus turned water to wine, and everyone had a great time. But if you’re looking for a more useful trick, one that could really save your rear in the case of some kind of catastrophe, the AquaBoy provides you with a more utilitarian option - making air into water. Produces up to 2-5 gallons of water a day, just like magic, so the user can get through the next drought, natural disaster, or boil alert without breaking a sweat.
Spilled alcohol and broken glass simply don’t fit with the luxury life. Let the lowbrows balance their stemware on the wet, glossy surface of the tub like the hapless fools they are. Your friends deserve better. Bring some peace of mind to their relaxation hour.
Alright, enough pussyfooting around. Are you gonna open that damn bottle or not? If not, hand it over to someone who will, and give them the tools to do it right. This authentic 50 caliber shell will definitively end the standoff with any stubborn bottle cap, no matter how strong a fight it’s willing to put up. Mission accomplished, major.
Chances are you know someone who still patches up their household items using duct tape. Probably while listening to their favorite Bee Gees 8-track. If that person is a new homeowner, bring them out of the DIY dark ages with a roll of Fiberfix. Then maybe go to work on their music collection.
Do you know someone who’s always in search of the perfect hot sauce? Well, maybe the answer is to let them make their own. This kit allows you to experiment with different pepper, spice, and vinegar combinations until you find the holy grail of hotness. No more excuses, just hot pepper perfection.
Technology may sometimes seem to complicate things, but here it removes one of life’s worst conundrums. Those french fries may taste great, but they’re quickly dragging you toward a big, fat grave. Remove the oil by using this electric air fryer, and they’re just damn good potatoes. Feast away with a happy heart.
The last thing anyone wants to do after a long day is wrack their brains trying to figure out what to drown their sorrows with. That’s really the last straw. With this beautiful, handcrafted set of drunk dice, the possibilities are endless—and so are the regrets. But hey, a party isn’t complete until things get a little dicey..
In the land of the drunk, there are two categories: the worldly and the degenerate. Everyone else is sober. This old world globe bar sends a not-so-subtle signal which one they belong to. Help them appear wise and fascinating by appropriating the air of an intrepid explorer, even if they’ve never left the state.
Years ago, we were all told not to play with our food. Now the highest paid, most famous chefs in the world are doing just that, and nobody thinks to slap the gelified calcium chloride out of their hands. This is the food the Jetsons would have been eating if they were more sophisticated.
Everyone likes receiving money, and it’s the easiest gift to give. Unfortunately, a pile of bills is often considered tacky. On the other hand, roll them up into flower shapes and it’s considered art. A brilliant ruse to make the simplest of transactions socially acceptable.
It’s a fact: the world is full of stuff, and most of it isn’t ours yet. Amazon Prime helps us to fix that problem a little faster, with free two day shipping, among many other benefits. Whatever their addiction, they can feed it on Amazon. Help them feed it faster and better.
Even if you can afford a real Banksy piece, chances are a giant slab of concrete is not going to be all that well received. Enter the modern day miracle of plastic. Make it look like their house was visited by one of the most famous identity-unknown humans to ever walk the earth. Because after all, are you sure it wasn’t?
If they have kids, this bowl is merely an homage to the future. They say art should reflect real life, and this cereal bowl makes a very safe graphic prediction about what’s about to happen. The Nostradamus of kitchenware. Then, as they say, it’s all over but the crying.
Nothing makes a house feel like home more than some unique wall art. Each sticker can be repositioned however they want, making this interactive and reconfigurable. Let their imagination soar with these beautiful natural silhouettes.
A warped mind deserves the home implements to match it. If you know someone who is just a little crooked, skewed, or depraved but still functional, they will probably fall in love with this out of the box. There’s nothing like home decor that expresses your true nature.
With the gift of consciousness comes the burden of consciousness. Knowledge is heavy, and many a man has succumbed under its implacable weight. Celebrate the wonderful danger of ideas with this poor terrified effigy of a man on the verge of seeing his brief, harried existence crushed like an ant under the lumbering foot of human thought.
There’s a whole mysterious world out there that can only mean trouble for a naive, trusting beast like the domestic canine. That doesn’t mean that fido can’t experience it from afar through a steamy, drool smeared bubble. Expand his horizons from the safe confines of a fenced yard, where he can daydream in peace and security.
Le Corbusier would approve of this modernist aquarium, with its crisp right angles, flat white finish, and complete lack of adornment. This is the home for the discerning fish who thinks the standard glass bowl is for uncultured bottom feeders. The only choice for the sophisticated goldfish.
A true surrealist is not going to put up with the mere harnessing of electricity. These brightly colored artistic lamps are a gravity-defying nod to the unreality of existence. Fun, functional, and funky. Give the laws of physics a slap in the face.
Symbolic furniture is all the rage. Champagne lovers will feel tipsy when they see this decorative and functional living room table that pays homage to their favorite beverage. Then maybe you can buy them that dining room table shaped like a cow. Or that butt-shaped toilet seat cover. So many choices in this category.
Nothing keeps the housewarming party guests in line like a little reminder of the possibility of lethal force. The fragile nature of existence and your own inevitable mortality stare you squarely in the face every time you lift your glass off one of these metal coasters. Enjoy every last sip, fellow traveler. Life is brief.
Sometimes you wind up on the mucus train and just can’t find a way off, like a hobo locked in the last freight car on the Burlington Northern. Thankfully, relief is just an arm’s length away. Unlike the hobo, you don’t have to resort to rat eating or pooping in the woods. This gift adds a little industrial-historical touch to someone’s living room and reminds them how easy they have it.
Somewhere between rustic/functional and warehouse-chic, this trivet and coaster set is not only sturdy and visually pleasing, but also stylistically unclassifiable. It doesn’t get any cooler than that. The natural wood finish gives it a handmade look that adds warmth and personality. A unique gift that’s simple, functional, and stylish.
Usually by the time you need a paper towel your hands are already wet, and then you’ve got no way to tear off a sheet without ruining the whole damn roll. Frankly, it’s amazing that nobody seems outraged about this. Don’t let an important person in your life suffer this atrocity over and over again. We have answers for these things now.
This unique gift is a great way to boost their reputation for having supernatural powers, and when they run out of wine they can use this magic rope to walk their invisible tiny-necked dog.
When it comes to personal security, technology is a game changer. Google knows the location of every criminal in the world, and they know what they’re going to do before the criminals even know. That doesn’t mean they’re going to do anything about it; they’ve got a business to run. You can’t expect Big Brother to do everything for you. Time to take things into your own hands for once.
Gnome infestations have remained a taboo subject for too long. Damn the social consequences, we must finally bring this issue into the light. Gnomes are not people, they are parasites bent on destroying everything we’ve worked so hard to build and eating all of our vegetables. Don’t worry, you don’t have to snuff them out yourself. Leave that to this merciless miniature beast.
Machines have done so much for us, yet we continue to treat them as second or third class citizens. Celebrate their pensive side and help raise awareness for robot rights with this durable, functional cast iron lamp. Because if we don’t take care of them, one day they may stop taking care of us.
Propane tanks are convenient and useful, but the last thing you need is to have the damn thing run out at your next barbecue and everyone ends up eating raw chicken. It used to be the manliest man in the group picked up the tank, said how many hours were left, and then by the time the tank was empty everyone was too drunk to remember how wrong he was. Boy we’ve come a long way.
Along with abundance comes the responsibility not to bore the crap out of people by making the same silly casserole every night. The problem is that nobody wants to think that much about food. They just want to eat. Place the burden of creativity - and blame - on these ingenious foodie dice, and watch the possibilities multiply.
There’s just something about personalized service. Transform their throne into one truly fit for a king by installing this faithful servant exactly where he’s needed. Adds a dignified, regal air to this place of repose, contemplation, and elimination.
As the saying goes, crap in, crap out. If they’re breathing dirty, toxic air, they don’t have a chance. There are all kinds of invisible killers floating through most people’s living spaces, and they never know it. Help them clean up their act starting with their lungs.
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. If you know someone who has refined taste buds, this might even include cheese. But before you go buying a water buffalo, you should know that you can buy the enzymes and all that by themselves and then add milk later. The rest of the animal is incidental, inconvenient, and frankly dangerous.
Save them from trekking all the way down to the local ice cream chain store and waiting in line for some 16 year old who hates everything about them to shovel a handful of mass-produced ice cream into a paper cup and then charge them eight dollars while rolling his eyes. Life is so much more pleasant when you can do things yourself, isn’t it?
This natural, biodegradable treatment stops snow and ice from accumulating on sidewalks, driveways, walkways, porches, and any other concrete/asphalt surface you spray it on. It’s really a no-brainer. The only decision will be: be a good samaritan and spray the neighbors’ walkways, or grab a cup of coffee and have a good chuckle.
Look, soap is great. Nobody’s denying that. But you have to realize that while it does make you clean, it doesn’t accomplish the one thing that so many people wish it did: cover them in chocolate. For obvious reasons, however, being covered in chocolate is a somewhat dubious goal. After all, they would have to wash it off right away to avoid getting it on the furniture. This chocolate soap is the perfect compromise: they get to cover themselves in chocolate and somehow get cleaner at the same time. And wow, it really smells good too.
Beauty, durability and function, all in one package. What more could you ask for in a gift? This elegant, handmade end table will help them stay classy, hydrated, and perhaps buzzed. Single use furniture is so lame.
They can make furniture as complicated as futuristic as they want; there’s a reason this is still the iconic symbol of relaxation. Its primitive-inspired luxury will never get old, nor will its timeless design. Nobody can look at a hammock without feeling the primal urge to jump in and take a long nap. Tropical dreams hide within.
You may look at this pizza oven’s bizarre, futuristic design with a touch of skepticism, but it’s made this way for a reason. Saving both space and money - up to 60% more energy efficient than a conventional oven - is no aesthetic trifle. In other words, this thing gets it done, without all the fuss and wasted space.
It’s a simple, ingenious tool. But you have to understand that in giving them this gift, you’re removing a set of excuses: “Oh, my arms aren’t long enough”; “I’m afraid of heights”; “I don’t know how to use a mop upside down,” etc. Now they’ve gotta own the clean.
Take the guesswork out of food buying. Blue Apron does all the work identifying the highest quality, most sustainable food sources, so they don’t have to. Perfect for any home cook who’s lazy, busy, health conscious, or feels guilty about our food and agriculture habits slowly killing Mother Earth.
A major problem with modern houses is the lack of surprises. A hidden door adds a sense of mystery and danger, two things sorely lacking from so many people’s lives. What they do with the hidden room is their own business…
If you really want a house to be unique, it follows that you need to fill it with stuff no one else has. Enough with buying a ten dollar “me too” print of something someone painted two hundred years ago. Housewarming is the time to get real. Go get them something awesome their neighbors have never even heard of.
Why bike through the real world when you can bike through the more interesting one someone else created? And consider the safety difference. A small spill in the real world could leave them with a broken arm or worse; a VR game allows them to experience the rush of having their head blown off by a rogue bandit in an apocalyptic world, then go eat breakfast. No comparison.
A conventional peephole is better than nothing, but has its limitations. They can see who’s on the other side of the door, but what if that person comes in and kills them? Wouldn’t it be better to have a permanent photo? Also, it’s just nicer to see things on a big screen without squinting.
Air is great, but they tell us there’s all kinds of other crap in there too, and everyone’s lungs could sure use a break. Their brain cells will also appreciate the sudden flood of euphoria-inducing super-concentrated oxygen. A little portable bliss machine that even plays soothing music as it washes away all of the day’s anxiety, disappointment, and worry from their tired neurons.
Craft brewing has definitely taken over the beer industry. But with so many microbreweries and so much competition, it sometimes gets hard to keep up. And who knows what to make of the bizarre varieties taking over liquor store shelves? Orange pickled hibiscus springtime lager? Porcupine quill Mongolian stout? Good lord. Time to look into the homebrew options.
Art isn’t the only way to add a little culture to a new house. Fresh homemade yogurt will make their taste buds dance and their intestinal flora…do whatever intestinal flora do. A healthier, cheaper version of the store bought variety that’s fun to make.
Someone went and leveled up the fish bowl. This is the perfect gift for that big-picture thinker who digs sustainability and balance. Also for anyone who wants a pet they don’t have to take care of. The organisms in this eco-sphere take care of each other, maintaining perfect aquatic harmony. Go ahead, write a poem about it.
Manly men (and women) wear big, dirty boots. The problem is, those entryway mats are designed for dainty folk who need to remove maybe a pebble or two from their penny loafers or whatever. That’s not gonna cut it here. Don’t let them mess up their brand new floors because they didn’t have the right tools. No brainer.
This is one of the only acceptable ways to have a fire on top of the table, something they probably don’t even know they’ve always wanted. But they have. Bring that yet-unseen dream to life with this ultra-elegant centerpiece. Warms up even the chilliest of social gatherings.
Sturdier, more convenient, and easier to handle than traditional kabob skewers. No more forgetting to buy skewers and having to eat raw steak and vegetables or cook with their bare hands. Not every brilliant solution has to be high tech. Some just make a lot of damn sense.
Making olive oil is a time-tested mediterranean art. And they don’t put the good stuff on the shelves at Costco, no matter how ornate the adhesive label is. They make you go and find it. A true Italian or Greek food connoisseur will appreciate the difference, even if you’re clueless. Bring the finest flavors of the old world right to their table.
So many housewarming gifts are dedicated to improving or preserving the house itself. Well, people can sometimes use some improving too, and like objects they’re also breakable. Luckily, we know how to put them back together when things go wrong, up to a point. You just need the right tools. Like these.
Pepper is an in-your-face spice, and its essence has nothing to do with subtlety. Here is the perfect vessel for the preeminent seasoning at the table. Let this beautifully crafted ebony grinder tower over the other lowly flavors, including its eternal rival, salt. Any other symbolism we’ll leave up to your imagination.
Many scientists consider smell to be the strongest of the human senses, tied up so intimately as it is with emotions and memories. It’s also sometimes the most neglected aspect of the home. You know who we’re talking about. Help a new homeowner craft a more sensuous and pleasing atmosphere for everyone who steps inside.
Right now, we call this a smart toolbox. In a few years, it will just be called a toolbox, and everything else will be called a “dumb toolbox”. Because once someone has seen the benefits of this, they’ll never go back. Full of cool and highly useful features that make you say, “Why didn’t anyone else think of that?”
Some people like to prove their mad skills by tapping the wall to find a stud. Some people also go dowsing in their spare time. Save a new homeowner the embarrassment of putting useless holes in the wall just to prove how awesome they are.
If you’ve ever suspected that you can’t trust your tongue, here’s proof. Adding volatile scents to these specialized forks completely changes the experience of eating, as your brain processes much more information through your nose than your tastebuds. Give this as a gift and help them have the weirdest, most surreal dinner parties in the neighborhood.
Some household items scream your personality from across the room. Are you a forty-year-old with Star Wars bed sheets? Nerd-tastic. Chances are you don’t even have to read this. If you know someone who’s a good fit for this gift, you knew it as soon as you saw it. What are you waiting for?
In the old world, snow cones were like magicians’ tricks. They were only produced authentically by a few rare individuals, notwithstanding your cousin’s ham-handed attempts to recreate them. Well, the tables have turned. Now everybody can have everything. Even snow cones.
There’s a way to store cheese, and a way not to. Leave it to the French to know the difference. If you’re wrapping your cheese in plastic, you’re basically a barbarian. Check that, even the barbarians knew better. But the French know best.
You may not want to admit it, but sometimes a cliché is charming as hell. Not everyone can pull off a pink lawn flamingo, but those who can stand in our highest regard for a reason. It’s an old classic that never made sense. You can’t beat that.
So this maybe doesn’t have the wow factor of, say, a MENSA membership, but that’s not the point. You can buy a lifetime supply of Frosted Flakes for $.99. We’re not sure what MENSA does for you, but we know it can’t deliver like that. Who’s the genius now?
For centuries artisans have toiled away, diligently refining their skills until becoming masters, so that they can create exquisitely detailed work of the highest craftsmanship. Well, there’s a much easier way now. 3d printing technology has rapidly advanced over the past few years, to the point that they’ve begun printing just about anything. Even houses. The kind people live in. We’re not suggesting that you need to invest in a home-building 3d printer, as those are rather large and might be out of your budget. But 3d printing can be used for all kinds of smaller things as well, from artistic models to home furnishings. And 3d printers are really fun to play with. If you know someone who needs a new hobby to keep them out of trouble, this could be just the thing. And if they’re lucky enough to get this as a gift from you, you will in turn be the recipient of printed thingamajigs for the rest of your time on Earth.
Is there anything ethically wrong with playing jokes on animals? Probably not, even though if the squirrel knew what was going on it might not be amused. Can squirrels even experience amusement? Whatever. Leave the questions to the philosophers. This thing’s hilarious. Buy it.