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Custom Fortune Cookies

Your heart might feel like it’s in a million pieces right now, but it’s nothing one crack of a crispy cookie can’t fix! Karma has a funny way of working itself inside these sweet, sesame-laden delights, and truth be told, a spectacular streak is on the horizon. Go ahead and take that special someone out for a satiating meal of the finest local Chinese food and surprise them with fifty of these prophecy-filled treats. Saying goodbye isn’t easy, but sometimes that’s how the cookie crumbles.

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Book a Tour of Their New City

Each city has its own stories, food, entertainment, landmarks, and vengeful spirits. Help them settle in by experiencing these things firsthand under the guidance of an informed expert. No matter how far away their new home may be, they’ll be a grizzled and knowledgeable old local by night’s end.

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New Clothes For New Climate

If they’re moving from one region of the country to another, half of their wardrobe may become pretty useless. Those tank tops and swimsuits were perfect for Florida weather, but not so much for Wisconsin. Get them some new threads that will be more appropriate for their new environment so they’ll be a little less like a fish out of water.

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Scratch Off World Map

A visual display of a prolific traveler’s cartographic conquests, this map comes alive as they scratch away each region visited. Modern modes of transport have made the world a very small place. Checking into each sovereign nation on earth is within the realm of possibility for anyone with moderate wealth and an abundance of time. Here’s the wall art to help them prove it.

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Leather Passport Case

The Customs Officers will be drooling over this strapping passport holder! One stroke of that rich handmade pouch and they’ll be smitten for life. A modern-day world traveler needs to cross global borders with style and clout and this fine accessory commands attention and demands intercontinental respect. Give that special someone a lasting gift that will accompany them on the countless adventures that lie ahead.

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How to Swear Around the World

Nothing makes you feel more at home in a foreign place than knowing the right way to tell someone to go f*ck himself. Don’t let a traveler you know venture off into the great unknown without arming them first with this essential guidebook. No matter where you end up on this great planet of ours, respect follows those who command the rough outer edges of the language.

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The streets of one’s hometown are too real to be thought of in two dimensions. This set of wood cutout maps makes these cities come to life. The outline of every block is rendered in painstaking detail by a dedicated artisan, all by hand. The perfect way for them to remember home.

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Pay for a Moving Company

The worst part about moving to a new town is often the actual moving. Since relocating is typically pretty expensive, some people elect to do all their moving themselves in order to save a few bucks. You can offer a helping hand, or rather several helping hands, by hiring professional movers. They do all the heavy lifting, loading and unloading, and can even do the packing and unpacking if you want. It’s a pretty huge going away gift, but it’s one they will truly appreciate in such a stressful time.

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Make Plans To Go Visit Them

This sounds more like a gift for you than for them, but it’s something that they will appreciate in a big way. They will probably be feeling a little isolated and lonely in their new town, especially if they’re leaving deep roots behind. It takes a long time to cultivate friendships in a new community, so seeing a familiar face in their new town is likely to make it feel more like home. Plus, you could probably use a vacation, right?

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Technology may be shockingly smart these days, but unfortunately your computer is still too dumb to stand up when you do. Though on that note, when it does become smart enough to stand up with you, you should probably run. On second thought, once the machines are that smart it’s already too late. Just sit back down and wait for the computer to tell you what to do next. If you don’t make any abrupt movements, it might spare you. In the meantime, buy this adjustable standing desk for someone you care about so they don’t ruin their posture.

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The dual computer screen is one of today’s uber-nerd status symbols. Let the investment bankers have their Rolls Royces and the pimps their gold plated canes. The pinnacle of luxury living for a gamer is a super high resolution dual screen, so they can engage in some next level merkage (gamer slang). But it’s not just for video game junkies. Plenty of professionals have sworn off the single screen setup for good, pledging their allegiance to the gods of multi-tasking.

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They say change always starts with the person in the mirror. But when you look into this mirror, you actually see two people. There’s you, and then there’s someone else in way better shape who’s trying to get you to do things you might not really feel like doing. And that’s not just any old fit person who’s goading you on — it’s an elite personal trainer from a top gym. So you better listen. This is the perfect workout gift for someone who needs that little bit of extrinsic motivation, but is narcissistic enough to kind of like staring at themselves while they work out. So, pretty much everybody.

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In classier quarters this might be called a “decanter.” But the built-in stupidity of a decanter is that it’s really just a big glass you’re not allowed to drink out of. You see, in the genteel world of wine, “classy” consists of adding unnecessary steps to what should be a simple process. Of course, bourgeois society has attached all kinds of stigma to drinking straight from the bottle, so some kind of compromise is necessary. And that compromise is right here.

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