Bring Me Wine Socks
Generally speaking, the last person in the room who needs more wine is the person who’s already gone feet up. But as long as that posture signals relaxation and not unconsciousness, it’s probably fine. There may be a moral grey area, but that’s not your problem. This is the perfect gift for the most shameless wino you know.
Once you’ve got a few (hundred thousand) miles on your bones, low-impact exercise is the way to go. A swim routine is the best tonic for those aching, sagging muscles. But old people tend to get lost easily, so you probably don’t want to drop them at the lake and let them swim off. Better to find a nice pool with a little bit of supervision.
In a couple of generations, nobody’s even going to know what the hell a book is. Have you seen a teenager try to figure out how to use one of their parents’ audio cassettes? But for those of us in the know, books are the real source of pure knowledge and wisdom, untainted by the runoff of digital culture. Like a cold, clear mountain stream, but with words.
Just because the company didn't give the retiree in your life an award does not mean they didn’t deserve one. Class up the place with a cut crystal eagle or a rosewood plaque. It’s the perfect thing for them to put in their home office while they stare vacantly at the wall.
Make them feel better about their slow slide into dementia with this compilation of some of the funniest mental lapses in history. They might not remember to thank you for this gift, but they will at least laugh out loud. If they can remember where they put it.
They put a lot of work, not to mention their heart and soul, into making a vision come true. Show them that someone else noticed with a professionally-made video biography narrating the highlights of their career. A nice final ego kick as they make the transition into old people world.
Give the gift of beauty with a piece of original artwork from Artsy. These are not prints. This is the real thing, suitable for mature adults with refined tastes, like a retired person is supposed to have. Of course, some of the stuff here maybe isn’t all that refined, but at least it is original.
Whatever colors they wore in their younger, more spry years, you can bet they wore them with pride. But god knows they’re not going to fit into that uniform anymore. And even if they did manage to force their old carcass into those youthful dimensions, it would probably only make everyone a little worried for their mental health. But turn it into an everyday use item like a tote bag, and they’ll look stylish as all get-out.
Despite its name, this is not a field guide to the best edible roadkill, but a legitimate book about things you’ll want to eat in different places across this wide and beautiful land. Packed full of hidden gems and insider tips, this book is sure to keep them full and satisfied no matter which direction they strike off.