Freedom from unwanted responsibility is great, but the truth is that feeding ducks gets old after a while, even if you really like ducks. Movies take a lot longer to get old, but they’re not cheap. A little head start would certainly be appreciated.
Just give it to them. Don’t make a big deal about it, or give them diet books or a lecture or anything like that. They know. They have figured out for themselves that their body is not quite the well-tuned machine that it once was. Just give the Fitbit, and leave the rest to them.
Nothing makes your luggage stand out against all the other schmucks’ tattered old raggedy bags like a shiny brass luggage tag. The perfect gift for the sophisticated globetrotter who likes to travel in style. Use up to five lines of text to list their name, address, phone number, favorite superhero, spirit animal, most embarrassing moment — whatever they (or you) want to permanently engrave. The most distinguished way to keep the grubby little hands of the unwashed masses off their personal belongings at the airport.
In classier quarters this might be called a “decanter.” But the built-in stupidity of a decanter is that it’s really just a big glass you’re not allowed to drink out of. You see, in the genteel world of wine, “classy” consists of adding unnecessary steps to what should be a simple process. Of course, bourgeois society has attached all kinds of stigma to drinking straight from the bottle, so some kind of compromise is necessary. And that compromise is right here.
Once retirement hits, you’ve really got nobody left to impress. This is the time for them to do whatever the hell they feel like, all day every day. That includes eating what they really want to eat. When you retire, so do the food police. And trust us, these baskets are full of what they really want to eat.
Brewing beer sounds fun, but ask anyone who’s tried it and they’ll tell you that it takes a lot of boring cleaning and babysitting of the brew to do it right. Add to that the difficulty of getting consistent, reproducible results, and it just makes sense to let this clever machine do the work. Watch the home brew progress from phone or tablet while taking it easy.
This is the old people version of buying them their own pool cue. Like every game of chance, bingo is ruled by the secret and unfathomable rubric of superstition. Using a borrowed dauber is like spitting in the face of the lottery gods. Not a good idea.
Everybody knows that when the time comes, you don’t just leave the prison, you burn it to the ground. Since following that tradition to the letter is actually very illegal, it’s probably better to do it symbolically. The equipment is cheap, but the emotional payoff of this retirement gift is priceless.
You might think that retirement is all relaxation, making this kind of gift redundant. Boy, would you be wrong. There’s all that yard work, all those coupons to clip, and all those young people running around acting a fool. Retirement is just as full of annoyance and monotony as anything else. A spa gift card is worth its weight in gold.
Back in the old days you were really rolling the dice when you chose a hotel. Either you called blindly after skimming the phone book or simply drove all night and hoped you saw a vacancy sign before you ran out of gas and got murdered by a vagrant. A hotels.com gift card is not just a way of picking up the tab for a night’s stay; it’s also the priceless gift of peace of mind.
The classic party game where everyone either reveals reputation-demolishing secrets about their past or shamelessly lies to save face. Depending on the temperament of the various participants, it can make for an hour or so of good-natured ribbing, or it can devolve into closet doors being flung open to reveal hideous skeletons beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. In other words, it’s rip-roaring fun. But depending on your own personal history, you may want to sit this one out.
Here's a gift for the older person struggling to keep up with all the latest texting lingo the young whipper-snappers are using. Much of it doesn't really apply to them anyway, unless they were to write something like "ROFL and can't get up" which should really be written ROFLACGU. Here's a set of senior texting codes that will make a whole lot more sense to them, conveniently printed as a cheat sheet on this handy coffee mug. They'll find plenty of useful shortcuts like BTW (bring the wheelchair), BFF (best friend's funeral), and WTFA (wet the furniture again).
The professional world is frought with uncertainty, and we all need a backup plan. That plan is, and always has been, gold! While we've been toiling away to make ends meet, the smart folks have been in the hills filling up their pockets with precious metals. And having a blast doing it.
If flowers could get you drunk, men would be all about bouquets. Until then, replace the posies and roses with distilled spirits and ale, and your manly recipient will be as woozy and giddy as a schoolgirl who just got her first love note. After a long day of doing man things, all he really wants is to relax and recover in the glow of a nice warm buzz. And every time he does, he’ll remember you, and think to himself what great taste you have.
Day to day life can get a little lonely for some retirees who are used to interacting with lots of people in the workplace. Why not give them a new friend to talk to? Alexa will never grow tired of their conversations and is always willing to endure their pointless anecdotes.
If you know someone retiring with 30 or more years of service to the federal government, civilian or military, perhaps a letter from a President of the United States is in order. Have their favorite leader commemorate their retirement with this one of a kind gift.
It can be overwhelming, after years of keeping a strict schedule, to suddenly have to manage your own time. Give a new retiree the gift of structure by having their coworkers fill their schedule for them. It will be nice to have a slew of activities to fill their suddenly voluminous free time, but the best part may be the satisfaction of blowing off people who have been annoying the crap out of them for years.
Retirement is the time to finally live large, and these jumbo retirement cards are a great way to deliver a big message. They’re also big on laughs, and, well, they’re just really big. It’s almost like a really funny book with no pages, just a front and back cover. They’re great for the kinds of offices where everybody is always trying to one-up everyone else, or where you have to scream to get attention. Save your vocal cords this time and let a big (like, really big), funny (like, extra funny) card do the talking.
Give the gift of fat stacks of cash with this genuine bundle of real fake US currency. This prop money looks good enough to fool even the most discerning filmgoer, and makes a fun gift for a retiree who is about to discover life on a fixed income.
You could just get them a gift card to a spa or for a massage, but why not go for a more interesting experience like cryotherapy? It’s basically a box you get into to get blasted by ridiculously cold air for a short period of time. Advocates say that the treatment rejuvenates the body and helps repair tissue damage. If your town doesn't have a cryotherapy place yet you could try a bathtub full of ice and a big fan.
Neckties are the corsets of the corporate world. But instead of making you look sexy it just feels like you’re being strangled by a very weak person. After this goes on for decades at a time, it’s understandable that some hostility might build up, even if that daily strangler was placed there time and again by one’s own hand. Emotional projection can be a healthy retirement gift.
Here are two things we know about old retired men: 1) They like to play golf. 2) They have to pee a lot more often than younger folk. The golf club urinal solves the second thing so they can focus on the first. It even comes with a towel so nobody gets arrested.
If our digitally interconnected world is good for one thing, it’s raising other people’s money. In the age of Facebook, Patreon, and Kickstarter, nobody has to go it alone anymore. They might have a nice nest egg already, but why not sweeten the pot a little? With PlumFund you can raise money for a retirement gift so you can keep more of your own.
It’s never too late to learn new tricks. The great American safety net isn’t quite what it was cracked up to be, and retirees get to learn that when the social security checks come rolling in. But don’t feel sorry for them. Hobos have been getting by on far less for as long as anyone can remember. Time to put together a nice starter kit.
How to Pick the Right Retirement Gifts
Buying great retirement gifts for your boss, coworker, mentor, friend, or family member doesn’t have to be a chore. The best way to delight someone who’s about to embark on the grand adventure of retirement is to pick a gift that shows how much you appreciate all the hard work they put in, and that shows some thoughtfulness too.
Retirement signals a massive life change, and different people react to it in different ways. Choosing a meaningful retirement gift is all about showing that you cared enough to buy something that will make their life better after work.
But we know it can be hard. So if you’re trying to come up with personalized retirement gift ideas and you find yourself stumped, check out the lists we’ve put together below. You’ll surely find something that does the trick.
Sentimental Retirement Gifts
Sentimental items can make meaningful gifts if you pull them off the right way. That doesn’t mean you have to try and make them cry, thought that might be fun too. Just dig in to this list and pull out a big ol’ handful of “Aw, shucks.”
Retirement Gifts to Keep Them Busy
After being told what to do for years and years, retirement can be disorienting. Help them find their bearings again with these unique gift ideas perfect for retiring men or women.
- Scratch-Off Bucket List
- 101 Fun Things to Do in Retirement
- Gym Membership
- Movie Theater Gift Card
- Museum Membership
- Swim Club Membership
- Book of the Month Club
- Bingo Dauber
Funny Retirement Gifts
Funny gifts are a great choice for that coworker you shared a few guffaws with over the years. They also make great parting gifts for the boss you banged heads with, just to show there’s no hard feelings (now that you won’t have to look at their stupid face anymore). It’s always better to go out with a laugh, so have at ‘er.
Travel & Relaxation Gifts
Retirement is a great time to do all the things they wanted to do for the last several decades but couldn’t because they were shackled by the loving arms of capitalism. Here is a quick list of gifts that will help them undo a lifetime of stress and responsibility.