Life is all about redefining your vices as positive qualities. In fact, that’s how you become President, if you have the drive to take it that far. But most people prefer to start small, like reframing their nightly glass of wine as something worthy of a prescription. And really, who can argue? It’s a lot cheaper, has fewer side effects, and is actually fun to ingest. And it has culture. Don’t forget about culture.
Explaining to people why they suck gets very, very tiring. Luckily, two inspired authors did all the work for us. All the reader has to do is tear out the pages and deliver them to the appropriate assholes. If only all justice was this easy.
This killer accessory is hardly a gag gift. The recipient of this fine headwear will be commanding respect on the racquetball court and sopping up sweat in style while weed whacking the front lawn. There’s something irresistibly strapping about mullets, and there’s no doubt they’ll reemerge as a hairdo trend if not in this decade, certainly the next. Of course, the lucky stallion that’s sporting this feathered mane has to have the proper attitude to match and that just can’t be taught, so give wisely, my friend!
Everyone who grew up during the golden age of game shows dreamed of one day standing atop the glorious Plinko board, dropping metal biscuits and watching them bounce earthward in the direction of a richer destiny. But since few will ever experience that magnificent moment, we have a smaller, more realistic version for the drinkers of the world. This is Plinko for the people, and we call it Drinko. Because if they can’t end up richer at the end of the day, at least they can end up drunker.
They’ve survived this far living outside the bubble, but why push their luck? Give them this insanely fun inflatable bubble ball, and hope they’re inside it the next time they do something indescribably stupid. A great way to insulate themselves against life’s hard uncertainties.
Personalized gifts are always the best. A picture frame is one thing; it’s something else entirely to show them that you know exactly what they want to look at by loading it with pictures that will make them happy. Just make sure you get it right. Otherwise it comes across as a weird attempt at mind control.
In a couple of generations, nobody’s even going to know what the hell a book is. Have you seen a teenager try to figure out how to use one of their parents’ audio cassettes? But for those of us in the know, books are the real source of pure knowledge and wisdom, untainted by the runoff of digital culture. Like a cold, clear mountain stream, but with words.
The good life is all about quality over quantity. Or maybe it’s about quality and quantity. We’re not here to argue. If they still want to swill down cheap rotgut wine by the box, nobody’s going to stop them. It’s their life, not yours. But here’s a great way to broaden their horizons once a month by introducing them to the stuff that’s popular with the people who don’t mix their chardonnay with diet sprite.
Literature and booze have long been intertwined in an unholy alliance of sorts, but this book-shaped flask container takes that tradition and makes it into a real-life, physical metaphor. And unlike most metaphors, this one can help you get drunk on the sly. What looks like an innocuous, nondescript book - the kind filled up with words and ideas and whatnot - is nothing but a devious ploy to camouflage a secret stash of the old firewater. Oh, the devilry they’ll get away with now.
Until we learn to harness our psychic powers, we’ll have to slog through life using technology to communicate our thoughts to each other over long distances. But this is most certainly one of the sweetest ways to slog. Touching one lamp makes the other turn on instantly, so you can let whoever has the matching twin lamp know you’re thinking of them, no matter where they are or how far away. In the age of social media, where mass personal advertisements pass themselves off as “connection”, show someone important that they’re worth a direct line of their own.
Nothing makes you feel more at home in a foreign place than knowing the right way to tell someone to go f*ck himself. Don’t let a traveler you know venture off into the great unknown without arming them first with this essential guidebook. No matter where you end up on this great planet of ours, respect follows those who command the rough outer edges of the language.
A book is more than just a collection of words and ideas. It’s a frozen piece of time — the intersection of one person’s (or sometimes multiple peoples’) thoughts and experiences with the moment in which they were recorded. So sometimes a 50th reprint of To Kill a Mockingbird just doesn’t seem to carry the same weight that it should. Serious book lovers love first editions, because they’re a tangible piece of cultural history.
Poetry is the most appropriate art form for cats, because regardless of the author, nobody cares if a poem makes sense. In fact, the less sense the better. And cats are idiots. Creative, creative idiots, with agendas you never would have guessed.
Go big or go home. Wait, they can do both with these giant yard games! They’ll supersize the fun at backyard parties with these larger than life versions of the games we all played growing up. All sorts of giant games are available including checkers, chess, Connect Four, Yahtzee, Scrabble, Jenga and more.
If they've been feeling a little run down and deflated recently, give them a much-needed boost with this practical gift. They can use it to pump up their car and bike tires, and they’ll be blowing up that inflatable pool in minutes – perfect for all those impromptu pool parties they’ll be throwing now!
We all do it, and yet we all have to pretend we don’t – this book will help you get away with it. The perfect gift for your bathroom-phobic colleague who always ‘pops home’ at lunch, this hilarious book is toilet humor at its best, and is sure to be (secretly) very well-received.
Welcome to the high rollers club! This hefty wad of Benjamins is the ultimate gift for the money-hungry players on your list. Talk about immediate gratification … Enclose a pair of dark aviators, a squirt of hair gel and some ’tude to match and the lucky recipient will feel like they’ve won the cash kitty. Just advise them to proceed with caution though—that counterfeit bulge in their pocket might give them a renewed sense of confidence, but any careless misstep could land them on the FBI’s most wanted poster!
Feeling parched? Snuggle up to this double-fisted bosom and quench your thirst with some nectar of the gods. Best suited for full-bodied reds, this bra bar will serve up the finest burgundies, cabernets and merlots with seduction and sporty spunk. Thick or thin, the legs on this wine-lover’s paradise make consumption effortless, portable and pretty. Jug wine just got really awesome!
Written by James Bond himself (or, you know, an actual real-life spy), this eye-opening book is packed full of genuine, practical tips for self-protection, and is a great present for any loved one or friend. Guaranteed to come in handy during a kidnapping, mugging or zombie apocalypse, you might just save their life one day.
A great piece of meat is only good if you cook it right. And unless you’re going to crawl in the oven with it, it’s going to be hard to monitor it second-by-second so that you know the right instant to take it out. The meater uses wireless communication to signal that dinner is ready. Just like your primitive ancestors.
Admittedly, this is kind of a niche gift. But somehow, inexplicably, this has become a giant niche. Fans of the animated sitcom - as well as the associated blog, comic book, and soundtrack album - will have a great time geeking out to these real life, chef-tested recipes for the outlandishly-named burgers the show is famous for.
Animal farts are the most genuine, because they are done without the slightest comic intent. You could even say human farting is a corrupted act, because everyone knows they’ll get a reaction. Help celebrate flatulence in purest form, with all the colors of the rainbow.
Sometimes we have to trick ourselves into moderation. It doesn’t always come naturally. Luckily, our brains evolved with all kinds of borderline stupid quirks, so we’re not that hard to trick. Any damn fool can see that this is only half a glass, but we bet it will still help slow down said damn fool’s boozin’. And also it looks ridiculous.
If they seem bored with preparing their meals the traditional way – you know, by microwaving them – then this futuristic cooking contraption could be the gift for them. Simply vacuum pack food in a bag, submerge it in water and the all-powerful Sous Vide will turn it into mouth-watering, restaurant-worthy steak. Yes, really. Check out our Guide to Sous Vide Cooking to learn more about this underutilized method of cooking.
Make sure that they’re never caught short (of battery, at least) with this pocket-sized power pack that is perfect for their portable devices. This charger harnesses the power of the biggest battery in our solar system so they should never have an excuse for not returning your call.
This gift gives them actual ownership of a tiny piece of a real Scottish castle, which gives them the legal right to call themselves a Laird or Lady. It’s a perfect boost to their ego, instant bragging rights, and endless opportunities to make them try a Scottish accent. When you add next year’s gift of a kilt to the mix, the transformation will be complete.
Everyone likes a nice stiff after-dinner drink, but sometimes you get tired of swearing at strangers and getting in fights with the sheriff. What’s a country boy to do? A great gift for anyone who’s looking to tone it down a notch but can’t give up the taste of that sweet Kentucky nectar. Or anyone who wants an extra special kick to start the day.
Back when old people were kids, shadow puppeteering was accepted as a legitimate skill. That meant holding your hands in front of a light to create rudimentary animal shapes on the wall, because there was no internet. These candleholders are a serious step up. Just try making a mature cedar with your hands. Ok, stop. It’s not going to happen.
For the person who’ll try anything once, why not pop them in a local isolation tank and deprive them of their senses for an hour or so, see what happens? It might make them feel super relaxed and chilled-out. It could even be an enlightening experience. Or, it might just make them feel lucky to be alive when you finally let them out!
One of the biggest problems with being in public is there are so many things you’re either required or tempted to touch. Door handles, ATM touchscreens, animals, garbage…the list is practically endless. And it’s all contaminated with a never-ending litany of biological hazards and impurities. Germs, chemicals, and various bodily fluids are liberally smeared upon all the surfaces of our civilization. This keychain multitool is the gift from the gods of hygiene we’ve all been waiting for.
Nothing adds a bit of natural flair to an outdoor party better than a large piece of fruit that gets you drunk. Just hollow out a watermelon, insert the tap, and fill it up with your favorite beverage. Let them show off their inner DIY in the coolest way possible.
One problem with our hectic modern lives is that we’re usually nowhere near nature when it calls. Instead, we’re usually in a crowd of strangers, at a public venue with horrible restroom facilities, or stuck in a traffic jam. And having to abide by the rules of social decorum means that women really get the short end of the stick. A simple portable plastic device has changed all that. With the SHEWEE, you’re not only making someone’s life easier — you’re striking a blow for urinary equality.
In case you’re not aware, death is always clawing its way into you through every pore. Make sure everyone else knows about this harsh reality too by giving them this book. Shatter their precious illusions of health and vitality, in the most entertaining and hilarious way possible. A perfect gift for your favorite hypochondriac.
People weren’t joking when they said this coffee is the sh#t. The undeniably rich, full-bodied flavor produced by these rare beans has redefined the food chain and flipped the coffee industry on its head. Perhaps one of the most imaginative adaptations of the farm-to-table movement, this coffee product is redefining waste management.
People love venturing into nature for the near mystical experience of being connected with our pre-civilized roots. We feel a strong, implacable pull toward wild places like the desert and the forest. The problem is, nature really just wants to eat you. This book tells you how not to let that happen.
If they’re anything like us, they’re not wild about some anonymous person manhandling their pork. The problem is, of course, that someone has to turn it into bacon. A make your own bacon kit is the perfect gift for someone who really wants to take control of their lives, starting with the most important parts.
You might remember that snow cone maker from when you were a kid with the crank and Snoopy on top. It was disappointing; it was hard to turn and it made tiny snow cones. This thing, though. This makes real deal snow cones and uses electricity. This is not for kids.
Lobsters have many, many great qualities, not least among them are their nutritional and flavor profiles. But they’re dumb as dirt, exceptionally slow, and don’t drive. So if it’s inconvenient for you to go all the way to the ocean to find the best lobsters, you’re going to have to get someone to mail them to you. Thankfully, lobster mail is now a reality.
For the frugal homemaker, there can never be too many ways to save space and eliminate unnecessary appliances, utensils, and the like. So a single stove-top skillet that allows you to fire up a full three-course meal in one go? You bet your sweet pork chop, corn, and baked beans that’s gonna find a place in lots of kitchens. And consider that it’s stain resistant, built to last, and safe for the oven and dishwasher, and it’s clear someone had their thinkin’ cap on at the old pots and pans factory.
Who has time for trial and error? Folks today demand fast-acting, proven solutions to their everyday conundrums. A modern stand-in for the tried and trusted Farmer’s Almanac, this back pocket companion is more reliable than your great-grandmother and more concise than an open-ended Google search. Believe it or not, some of the “smartest” solutions have been around for ages.
If they stuffed some bacon into this box, this would be Ron Swanson’s dream gift. Offering an assortment of classic manly items like booze, old-time hair paste, leather tote bags, and quite the variety of bladed implements, this is a monthly grab bag of masculine goodies tailored to each recipient’s preferences as determined by a pre-delivery personality test. No guessing here — just solid dude gifts based on hard data and great gift-giving instincts.
Take a friend back to their glory days on the streets of Hong Kong with this authentic bubble waffle maker. All they have to do is fill this bad boy with their favorite waffle batter, close the lid, and within a few minutes they’ve got their very own homemade version of one of the world’s most iconic street foods. Add in a stockpile of cheap batter and a few cases of whipped cream, and this could literally keep them alive for years.
Big ideas can change the world, but so do small acts. Not all of us can create the next Google or reinvent the energy industry, but we can all be better at being human. This international, online-integrated card game provides the ideas and the motivation to spread goodwill everywhere you go, one act at a time.
As much as we hate to mention, and we don’t advise you do, they’re not spring chickens anymore and Ben and Jerry probably aren’t the best of people for them to be around. They’ve probably realized this already, so give them a helping hand with their new healthy lifestyle with this marvelous little yogurt maker which will let them create some delicious and nutritious snacks to help make that break up a little easier.
Having to get out of bed to retrieve your favorite stuff is the deepest kind of bummer. And since not everyone has the money to afford a full-time servant, many people are forced to suffer the indignity of placing their bare feet upon the cold, hard floor. This bedside shelf is an ingenious answer to that problem, especially for top bunk dwellers and anyone else for whom a bedside table is not an option. An attractive, eco-friendly, and minimalist way to make sure they have all of their doo-dads, gadgets, and consumables within arm’s reach the moment they wake up.
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or maybe just gives you PTSD. Either way, it’s better than dead. Here’s a book that can help the owner avoid the dead category for a little longer, even when things get hairy. Rough world we live in.
If they're a little clumsy in the kitchen, these cut resistant gloves may help them from accidentally adding unplanned ingredients to their meal (fingers in the coleslaw are never good). Now you won’t need to be suspicious of that red sauce when they invite you over for dinner.
You have no idea how weird the world is. Yeah, we know, you’ve seen your 400 lb next door neighbor dancing to the Bee Gees in his underwear through the front window at 2 in the morning. Take our word for it: that’s nothing. Anyone with a touch of wanderlust and an appreciation for the bizarre will cherish this book.
Sitting on the throne, for lack of a better term, isn’t the place where you tend to feel at your most gallant, but every king or queen needs a loyal knight to serve them and we’ve found just the man for the job. Always at hand when they need him the most, he won’t shy away from coming to their aid in even the most, er, challenging of situations.
We’re not sure how far the constitution goes as far as ring marks on tables are concerned, but if you know someone who’s passionate about defending their household surfaces then you might just hit a bullseye with this present. This set of heavy duty coasters are as much a conversation starter as they are a conservation effort so we’d definitely take a shot on them if we were you.
Flowers don’t just look nice and fill the air with pleasant aromas, they also carry various levels of symbolism. Much like the zodiac, each month has its own flower variety, reflecting the character of everyone born therein. Or at least, that’s what someone decided a long time ago. And it sure is a nice idea. Regardless of whether the person you’re buying for really is a carnation at heart, or whether they’re more of a Venus fly trap, these earrings are going to look great on them.
Variety, as they say, is the spice of life. So why would you try to force people into eating one kind of lasagna? That just seems brutal and barbaric. This three-part lasagna pan lets the family chef cater to everyone’s preferences — whether they're picky eaters, vegetarians, allergy sufferers, or just neurotic people with imaginary food sensitivities — helping to unite all eaters around a common dining table. Now that’s a cause we can get behind.
We are intelligent survivors by nature. Despite its ominous name, a worst case scenario can be a lot of fun, provided you have the tools available to pull a MacGyver-like exit. This little kit can save someone’s life over and over again. Check that, only their primal genius can save their life. But this lends a helping hand.
People say they love camping, but are we 100% sure they don’t just love to eat s’mores? Why not buy them this S’mores Machine so they can enjoy the good parts of roughing it without needing to sleep in a leaky tent afterwards.
If humans were meant to fly, the logic goes, we would have been born with wings. Well, logic is an overrated buzzkill. Leaving the earth and relying on your own wits to return in one piece is something everyone should experience. Give the middle finger to gravity and biological destiny.
According to a 2019 Harris Poll, almost a quarter of Americans would choose pizza if they could only eat one food for the rest of their lives. Sixty-five percent think pizza is a suitable breakfast item, and forty percent would give up dating for a year in exchange for free pizza anytime they wanted. This pizza oven is for outdoor use, is portable, and fueled by wood, charcoal, or pellets and can reach a temperature of 930 degrees Fahrenheit. Oven walls, ceiling and floor are fully insulated.
For some people, food is so much more satisfying when they make it themselves. But that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t like a little help every once in a while. This electric tomato press, developed in Turin, Italy by kitchen supply manufacturer Tre Spade, makes it easy to make tomato puree. It even separates the puree from the seeds, pulp, and skins. This means they can make authentic pasta sauce out of fresh-from-the-garden tomatoes, but without having to worry about overworking their soft, dainty little hands.
Nothing quite makes an impression like someone who has a giant tool and knows how to handle it. Get everybody within a half-mile radius drunk in one fell swoop with this absurdly proportioned mixology shaker. A brain-cell smiter of truly biblical proportions.
The morning drinker: one of the most misunderstood fellow citizens. Once imbued with the spark of firewater, they can do anything, especially if it’s delivered with the bold energy rush of caffeine. You think we should eradicate morning drinking? Well, you can kiss all your favorite novels goodbye then, because all great authors are drunk by 10 am. But I guess if you want to try tricking someone out of their morning cup of whiskey, this would be the best way.
Nothing beats the comfort of lounging around the house, enveloped in something much larger than yourself, unless that something is a giant snake, the crushing anxiety of an ever-uncertain future, or a sense of guilt for that awful thing you said at last year’s family picnic. A giant knit blanket helps to smother any of these undesirable feelings, leaving one with a sense of warmth and security.
Bacon is the official food of the month, every month of the year. Now somebody has gone a step further and made a delivery service with a special kind of bacon for every month. Every time we go a level deeper with bacon it just gets better. Rumor has it Elon Musk is working on a bacon replicating machine. It’s about time he did something useful.
Musical genius is not a prerequisite for this delightful sound machine. Whether it’s cranking out an original score or “Born to Be Wild,” the sweet melodies of this tabletop hurdy gurdy will capture the ears and lighten the hearts of all those who gather ’round for a listen. Add this customizable heirloom to the instrument collection and inspire a newfound appreciation for all things classic.
Genetic engineering used to be the exclusive domain of science fiction and of monstrous corporations like Monsanto. And probably the Bilderberg people. Thankfully, those days are over. Now we can all play God by rearranging the genetic code of living organisms, and you can do it for less than it costs to take your family to Disney World. What could possibly go wrong? And furthermore, who cares? If we’re going to crash the planet, we might as well all have our hands on the wheel.
What better way to say that the pen is mightier than the sword? This knight pen holder will be their most loyal servant in all of their clerical crusades. Whether they’re battling with the bookkeeping or feuding with their filing, help will be at hand. And yes, their grocery lists deserve the royal treatment too.
They may have achieved elite Girl Scout or Boy Scout status when they were younger, but that badge-covered sash won’t be able to save them from a sinking car. Forget cookies — today’s scouts should be peddling these life-saving gadgets instead. Foolproof and dependable, this indispensable car accessory packs a mean punch and won’t disappoint when imminent danger strikes.
Spherical food is classy. And now you can turn just about any food into little caviar-like pearls by blending it with water and adding a gelification agent to the mix. Then place it inside this pepper grinder-looking thing and in a few minutes you’ll be shooting out little balls of food. And when you place little balls of food on other non-ball shaped food, everything looks a thousand times fancier, and fancy looking food always tastes better.
Knowledge is the lifeblood of commerce, and sharing knowledge is how the human race continues its noble march toward destruction. But these days, people would just as soon carry a stone tablet as a paperback. An Amazon Kindle is the best way to look smart in public without seeming like a relic.
Here’s some art that really grows on you. A hanging garden that can be placed on any wall in the house, it can add a bit of unexpected life to an interior space. The frame comes decked out with easy-to-care-for succulents, so you don’t have to worry about giving this to someone with a brown thumb.
Video game arcades in every town may be a thing of the past, but with the 80s revival that’s washed over the western world, demand has spiked again for old-time video games that look like they were designed by an 8-year old and housed in giant man-sized boxes. And for good reason: they’re so much fun that you could lose your entire childhood chasing the high score in Asteroids. Don’t ask how we know that.
Not everyone has had the time, genetics, or inclination to cultivate a big hairy belly. That doesn’t mean they should miss out on the chance to flaunt a big hairy belly. This lifelike bag allows man, woman, or child to experience the glory of dadbod-ness. The adjustable waist belt ensures that this manbelly will stay snug no matter what their size, and the roomy, multi-pocketed inside makes this a very functional man pouch.
Fight back against the scourge of boring guacamole vessels with this hand-painted ceramic avocado bowl. Sure, the neighbors may serve their guacamole in the cheap plastic “Al’s Grocery” containers it came in, but don’t let lower presentation standards spread like a virus. From there, it’s just a slippery slope downward into moral decay and drug abuse. Do you know someone who’s let their party platter game slip a little in recent years? This is the perfect antidote.
When you’re trying to figure out the most efficient way to do something, it always pays to look to nature first. And what more efficient shredders of animal flesh can you find than the majestic wild bear? Those legendary feral mauling machines were the inspiration for these expertly crafted meat shredding hand extensions. Durable, super sharp, and comfortable enough to forget they’re even there, the original Bear Paw meat shredders will revolutionize any cook’s bbq life.